


A Little Close to Home

by albafee



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Anbu Uchiha Itachi, Angst and Drama, Arguing, Blood, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Christmas, Depression, Drugged Uchiha Sasuke, Electrocution, First Love, Forgiveness, Gang Violence, Gangs, Grief/Mourning, Gun Violence, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Injury Recovery, Kidnapping, M/M, Major Character Injury, New Year, Panic Attacks, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prison, Requited Unrequited Love, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, So so so much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Crush, Teenage Drama, Troubled Teens, also before anyone asks: not a single one of these characters is an OC, also it's not actually a "modern" au it's set in like the early '90's, check authors notes and chapter summaries for tws, drama club, so melodramatic, they're all people who canonically exist in naruto, valentines day, well ex-ANBU Hatake Kakashi actually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 70,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26884084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albafee/pseuds/albafee
Summary: A theatre program for at-risk teenagers. At risk of not graduating, of going off the deep end, of ending up on the streets. West Side Story was an almost cruel production choice. So many of the students are already toeing the line between a better future and the fate of street rats. So many are already narrowly avoiding gang life.A prop becomes a weapon, with nearly fatal consequences. Love, drama, angst, and just a bit of detective work. And Sasuke is caught in the middle of it all.WIP, multi-chapter, check authors notes and chapter summaries for tws
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 95
Kudos: 47





	1. The Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> tw for implied gun/gang violence, obvious mental health issues

“Fucking insufferable children.”

Kakashi probably shouldn’t have said it aloud, but he also probably figured none of them would hear. Sasuke did, though.

“Insufferable children for an insufferable man,” he sniped back, gathering the pages of his script back into his binder.

“You didn’t hear that.”

“Hn.”

Kakashi rubbed his eyes.

“Naruto!” he snapped.

“What?!” Naruto cried, swinging around to face Kakashi, squinting to see him in the seats.

“How many times do I have to tell you: back up! You’re breathing down Kiba’s neck!” Sasuke snickered.

“Hey! Don’t laugh at me, bastard!” Naruto pointed an accusatory finger at Sasuke from across the auditorium. “And how come he doesn’t have to run lines?!”

“Because unlike you, he _remembers_ his lines.” Kakashi snapped his fingers. “From the top!”

The cast groaned, moving back to their places in a flurry of movement, a few stopping to push Naruto around. Sasuke shook his head, tucking his binder under his arm and stomping up the stairs to the wings of the stage. 

“Hey, boots off, Uchiha! Sneakers only!” Kakashi called after him. Sasuke staunchly ignored him, pushing his way past the other students backstage. He liked to hang out behind the back curtain, where it was dark and quiet. Stage lights were his least favorite part of the whole theatre experience. He wished Kakashi would just let him wear sunglasses. _It’s not like it’d be out of character,_ he thought. _I’m playing a gangster, after all…_

He listened to the scene play out. Naruto flubbed the same line _again_ . Sasuke sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. _It’s too bad he can’t remember lines for shit. He’s a great singer and dancer, if he could just get this right he’d be fine…_ The scene started anew. Sasuke listened to it progress, listened to his castmates’ voices and the taps of their shoes on the floor. He covered a sneeze, the dust from the curtain already making his throat feel sore. The only downside of his hiding spot. He stalked the furthest perimeter of the wings instead, hugging the walls, trying to remain unnoticed. Naruto finally got the line he’d forgotten twice previously. The scene was starting to wrap up. Sasuke moved to a spot between curtains, ready to enter. Sakura turned to talk to him, green eyes bright, but then Kakashi clapped, signalling the start of the next scene, and she had no choice but to walk away, grunting with annoyance. Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. _I don’t need her talking to me. I’m not interested in anything she wants to say. I just want to focus on this…_

“One inch. How much could only little inch do?”

“Enough, Maria. Enough.”

He rubbed at his eyes again. _I’m glad we’re only focusing on Act I for now. I don’t think I’m ready for Act II. It’s too… close to home…_ Shikamaru sidled up to him, nudging Sasuke’s ribs with his elbow.

“You ready to go, Chino?” Sasuke nodded, shaking himself out. Unbecoming. That’s what he called it. Unbecoming himself, donning another’s mannerisms, another’s personality, another’s life. Eventually, Chino’s character would become a second skin, one he wore the second he stepped onstage. Now, though, it felt more like an ill-fitting suit, one he was still getting accustomed to.

Shikamaru knocked loudly on the door leading to the closets. 

“Are you ready?” he called.

The lights were hot, and bright. They weren’t even using “proper lighting” yet. Sasuke ignored it, following Shikamaru- Bernardo, now- toward the girls. Sakura- Maria- smiled as they hugged. Sasuke shuffled a little, nervously, keeping his distance. Bernardo went to Ino- no, Anita- and gave her a deep kiss. Maria turned to him now, smiling sweetly. 

“Come in, Chino. Don’t be afraid.” Chino swallowed a little, leaning on a doorjamb that didn’t yet exist. 

“But this is a shop for ladies.” Internally, part of him still cringed saying that line. _You’re Chino, it’s the ‘50’s or ‘60’s, and you’re a traditional Puerto Rican family man. That’s something you would say so get over it…_ Maria just smiled at him, twirling in her pretend dress. He smiled at her with all the love and softness he could muster. It was pitifully little, and the Sasuke inside seethed. 

That was his only line in this scene. It ended with him doing pirouettes toward the back corner, pairing off with Ami to begin the next scene. Kakashi clapped. The teens all broke apart, awaiting instructions.

“Skip to Scene 4C. Choreo begins Monday. Start stretching now.”

“Who’s this guy you’re bringing in to help, anyway?” Naruto demanded. Sasuke rolled his eyes, allowing himself to slip out of character. 

“A dear friend of mine,” Kakashi replied easily. “He’s very nice but very enthusiastic. He can and _will_ work you like dogs, so get ready.”

The whole cast groaned. Kakashi, as always, was unperturbed.

“Tenten, Sai, you’ll both be working closely with him.” Tenten nodded on stage. Sai gave a thumbs-up from his seat on the floor in front of the stage, currently holding Kankurou hostage with a tape measure

“I hope you have the budget for these clothes, Kakashi,” Sai said, measuring Kankurou’s inseam.

“Hey, watch where you’re touching!”

“If you’d like to move freely, I suggest standing still.” Sai’s tone was perfectly polite- he was _always_ perfectly polite- but it held a threatening edge. Kankurou stiffened, still looking very unhappy to have another man’s hands that close to his crotch. _First-timers are always so uptight. No idea that by the end of this show at least half the cast will have seen you naked…_

“It’s Mr. Hatake to you,” Kakashi corrected. “And the budget is none of your concern. Just get the measurements.”

“Alright, then. Kiba’s next,” he said, releasing Kankurou at last.

Kiba bounded toward the stage stairs, happy to get out of reading lines for the next scene. Ami disappeared as most of the cast dispersed back into the wings. Sasuke crossed the stage on a diagonal, waiting for the appropriate dialogue, taking two deep breaths as he got back in character. He adjusted his stance, the way he held his face, and his attitude. _Chino. You’re Chino. You believe your fate is to marry Maria. You’re Bernardo’s best friend. You look after Maria now to show you’ll be a good and faithful husband later. You are the opposite of Sasuke, and your relationship with Maria is opposite your relationship with Sakura. It’s only natural it’ll be hard. Just do your best. The suit will become a skin soon enough…_

Scenes 4C-4E went well now that Naruto was reading out of his script instead of relying on memory. It should have been a relief, but everyone knew a director asking you to work out of the script was a punishment more than anything. Naruto’s face was red with embarrassment the whole time. Or maybe it was just because he got to kiss Sakura. Internally, Sasuke was rolling his eyes. _The idiot hasn’t internalized his character yet, either. He’s getting giddy because he’s kissing Sakura but that’s not what’s happening. He’s Tony, kissing Maria. It doesn’t count, it’s separate…_

Sasuke left the stage. Chino wouldn’t return until later. A shiver raced down his spine as Naruto broke into a solo. His tone was pure and wide, casting a net over the whole space, ready to ensnare his audience. He was confident and free. Sasuke closed his eyes, breathed in the sound. _He’s stupid as hell, but… damn it if he can’t sing…_ Sasuke choked down disappointment as the short piece ended, launching straight into the balcony scene without input from Kakashi aside from his lone clap.

He listened to them speak. Naruto stumbled over lines again, even with the book in his hands. _He needs help. Clearly he’s not making much progress on his own, and Kakashi… he’s not exactly cut out for working with middle and high schoolers. He’s used to a much more mature cast, a much more_ _independent_ _cast… He’s not used to hand-holding and spoon-feeding._

The duet commenced. Sakura was good, certainly, but… Naruto was on another level entirely. He outshone her. It didn’t help that the piece was still a work in progress, the disjointedness making her comparative weakness as a singer even more obvious. Kakashi had them workshop it again and again, at one point counting aloud across the theatre to help them (albeit in the most condescending manner ever). Sasuke wasn’t paying attention to the technical aspects. He just focused on Naruto’s voice. _I was wrong. He definitely gets what he’s supposed to be portraying. When he sings, it really feels like he’s in love. If I hadn’t done shows with him before, I’d assume it was because he likes Sakura in real life. But no, when he played Anthony in Sweeney Todd opposite Ino it was the same. They don’t particularly love or hate each other, but as Anthony, he was as in love with Johanna as love could be…_

Finally, Kakashi clapped twice. _It’s time already?_

“Alright, kids, circle up!” he instructed. Everyone joined the circle except Sai and Neji, who were currently in the middle of taking measurements for costumes. Sasuke plopped down near Naruto. They shoved each other in a brief scuffle before Kakashi cleared his throat, standing on the edge of the stage. _Dangerously close_ to falling off and crushing Sai and Neji, if anyone bothered to ask Sasuke. “Tenten, lead stretches, please”

“Got it!” Tenten bounced up and into the middle of the circle, sitting down.

“Okay! To the left, reach reach reach!”

Tenten’s instructions filtered through while Sasuke’s mind wandered, his body moving on autopilot. _I have to pick up groceries on the way home. Will Nii-san be there? I feel like I haven’t properly seen him in days. It’s weird. Is he hiding something? I hope he’s not in trouble. Please, don’t let him be in trouble…_

“Okay everybody, we’re still in the beginning stages of rehearsals,” Kakashi said. Sasuke pulled his legs into butterfly, less for the stretch and more because he found it comfortable. Some others continued stretching even though Tenten had returned to her original seat. “I anticipate the first few scenes will be memorized by the end of next week with the bones of a choreography.” He rubbed his hands together. “Many of you are still getting to know each other. Let’s go around the circle. Say your name, pronouns, year, and favorite animal. Start with you, Kiba.” He happened to be closest. _For a lazy guy, he sure is a tight ass director…_

“Kiba, he/him, senior, and I love dogs!” He patted his service dog for emphasis. Sasuke was so used to him, he just blended into the background. He’d forgotten the dog was even sitting there, curled reassuringly around Kiba’s back. Ino went next, then Shikamaru, then Sasuke. 

“Sasuke, he/him, senior… cats, I guess.”

“Naruto! He/him! I’m a senior now, hehe! And I really like frogs!” Sasuke rolled his eyes. _The enthusiasm… Aren’t you tired, Naruto?_

Nearly the whole cast was seniors, followed by a few juniors. There was only one freshman and two sophomores. Kakashi had no choice but to pull up a few of the middle schoolers, including Hinata’s younger sister, to round out the cast. It was still barebones, with more than one person acting and doing something else- for instance, Tenten, who was currently the choreographer, stretch leader, and one of the Shark Girls. Kankurou and Juugo both had roles, but also worked on set/prop design. Hinata would have been valuable as one of the girls in the show, but she refused to be onstage. She was struggling enough with being assertive as the Stage and Props Manager. _I hope Kakashi has a few more friends he can call in favors with. Having a real choreographer will definitely help, but there’s no crew, and nobody who can operate the kind of machinery we might need to make props and sets without a huge liability issue…_

When the last student shared, Kakashi gave notes. His notes for Sasuke were nit-picky and altogether unimportant. He knew he was just giving him something so the others wouldn’t get upset. Naruto, predictably, got more notes than anyone else. The biggest was “PRACTICE YOUR LINES!!!” Kakashi’s voice could be booming and scary when he wanted it to be, as it turned out.

They disbanded noisily, crowding the closets backstage to grab their belongings. Hinata supervised- part of her duties as Stage and Props Manager- so she would be the last out. Sasuke slung his backpack over one shoulder, disappearing into the bowels of the school before anyone else could follow him. Except Naruto, of course. Naruto was hot on his heels. They usually walked partway home together, since they headed in the same direction anyway. Toward the shittiest part of town.

“Sasuke, can you help me with my lines?” he asked, pushing open the doors to the street. 

“Help how? It’s just memorization.”

“Ugh, I dunno! Maybe if I say them at you I’ll get it? Oh! Or maybe if I hear you run them first I’ll remember them better?” Sasuke sighed.

“I have to get groceries.”

“I’ll come with you!” Sasuke rolled his eyes.

“Absolutely not.” He didn’t have to look to know Naruto was pegging him with the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster. He sighed exasperatedly. “I really can’t today, Naruto. I promised my brother-”

“Oh c’mon, ‘Suke, what are the chances he’ll actually come over like he says?” 

Sasuke bristled.

“Don’t,” he warned through his teeth. Naruto snorted, rolling his eyes.

“I still think you’d be better off without that fuck. I’ll kick his ass into next week if I ever see him a-”  
“Naruto!” he snapped, anger rising like bile in his throat. Naruto shrank back, shoving his hands in his pockets and hanging his head. “He’s made mistakes-”

“Is _still_ making mistakes-”

“But he’s my brother. Not to mention he’s my legal guardian and sole provider.” Naruto’s side-eye was intense, probing, searching for any sign that Sasuke secretly wanted out. “It’s just until I graduate. Which I will.”

“If he doesn’t get you both killed before then.”

Sasuke swallowed. He felt the familiar tingle of adrenaline already, his heartrate picking up speed. He forced a few deep breaths again, digging his nails into the palm of his hand. _Truth be told, I’d rather get a job and take Naruto up on his offer to move in together. It’d make his life easier to split costs with me, and I’d be safer. But… I can’t just abandon my brother…_

“You’re welcome at my place any time. I gave you a key for a reason. You know that, right, Sasuke?” He nodded. “You can come right after school if you want. I don’t mind you chillin’ there while I’m at work.” 

“Okay, Naruto.”

“Seriously, man, any time-”

“ _Okay_ , Naruto.”

Naruto’s teeth clicked as he clamped his jaw shut. They continued in tense silence, until they came to the border of their neighborhoods. Sasuke would turn right, Naruto left. Naruto kicked at a rock on the street, clearly sulking. 

“Guess I’ll see ya later.” Sasuke grabbed his arm before he could fully turn around.

“I’ll walk home with you tomorrow.” Naruto smiled.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. Two rings when you get home?”

“Two rings when I get home.”

They parted ways much more amicably. Sasuke pulled out his grocery list, skimming it as he wandered his way toward the store. He liked to take the long ways, just for the extra exercise if nothing else. “Burning nervous energy”, as his mother used to say. _If only she knew how nervous I’d turn out…_ He ignored the pain in his chest at the thought of his parents. 

He paused and ducked into an alley when a familiar shape appeared in the distance. He peaked around the corner of the abandoned building. _What is Itachi doing out in broad daylight? Is he trying to get killed?_ He observed silently, far enough away that he couldn’t hear the exchange between himself and someone who was clearly another member. He wore the signature red cloud. _They don’t seem hostile with each other. That must be Shark, then._ He thought of him every time the Sharks were mentioned in rehearsal. Sasuke wished they’d change the name. He watched another pair round the bend across the street from his brother and Shark. Itachi’s hand brushed his hip, briefly revealing the hilt of a-

He ran. He ran as if his life depended on it. _“If you ever see anything, if you ever feel unsafe, run. Run and don’t look back. Not until you’re somewhere safe.”_ His brother’s words were seared into his brain. He obeyed on instinct alone. Still, shame made the tears in his eyes burn. _I’m a fucking coward. I’ve always been a coward and I always will be…_

By the time he reached the store, he was sweating bullets, beyond panting and edging into hyperventilation. The bricks scratched his back as he slid down, crouching while he caught his breath. He furiously wiped the tears from his eyes, from his face. _Seventeen years old, no guts to speak of. I’m pathetic. My whole life… I…_ He shook his head, forcing the thoughts away. He resisted the urge to bash his skull against the bricks behind him just to make sure it all went away. _Just act normal. Maybe no one will notice…_ He took a few deep breaths, rose, and dusted himself off.

He did his shopping as if nothing at all had happened. If anyone asked, his eyes were red because of allergies.

The apartment was empty when he got home. The clangs of the locks settling into place echoed. He dropped his backpack on the floor and pulled out the knife he kept hidden in his pocket. He crept through each room, checking potential hiding spots. Once he determined he was truly alone, he picked up the phone and dialed Naruto's number. He let it ring twice, then hung up. It was their code for "home safe". Then, he beelined for the bathroom. He ran the water while he stripped, discarding his clothes in the hamper as if the threads themselves contained his bad experience. He let the water almost boil him alive. He wouldn’t speak of this when his brother got home. He would make soup for dinner, do his homework at the kitchen table, and when his brother arrived they would eat. Then Sasuke would go to bed, which really meant listening to the radio or reading or staring blankly at a wall until he heard his brother settle on the couch in the living room, or slip out the door again when he thought Sasuke was asleep. He was determined for today to be normal. _Be normal,_ he thought. _Just be normal for one more night…_

Just like Naruto predicted, Itachi never returned. Sasuke ignored his stomach growling while he did his homework at the kitchen table, watching the door. He finally ate alone at nine, too hungry to keep waiting. He read, half-heartedly, for the next hour. He couldn’t focus on the words, reading the same few sentences several times before their meaning sank in, too distracted by his gaze constantly flickering over to the door. He crawled into bed feeling miserable and small. _I’m so stupid for thinking he’d come back…_

He slept lightly, fitfully. He never slept well when he was alone. His dreams were translucent, like they were made of layers of colored glass. They depicted violence and blood and the same four sets of eyes, rotating to bore into him in turns. He woke up sweating every time. Eventually he moved to the couch in the living room so he could keep an eye on the door, this time out of paranoia. He slept with his knife in one hand, and an old stuffed toy in the other. They were cold comforts, but they were the only ones he could get, so he took them and pretended they were enough. _Pretending is how I deal with everything else, after all,_ he thought bitterly. 

The white light of dawn came harsh, and much too soon.


	2. The Friend

Daytime was nothing more than a blur. Every day felt the same, because every day consisted of only tiny blips of memory here and there. He was tired. He was too tired to listen, or learn, or speak. He just shuffled, zombie-like, from one desk to another, from one monotonous, droning voice to the next. The teachers never called on him even though he wasn’t paying attention; he always embarrassed them by knowing the answers anyway. At night, when he was awake and focused and not fighting his own body, he would read ahead in his textbooks after he finished the homework that was due. He would take out books from the school library to teach himself harder concepts and supplement his learning. It wasn’t unheard of for him to know more about a given subject than the teacher. They knew, he knew, and so they let him be. It was all he could do to just stay conscious, his cheek resting on his fist, his eyes glazed and unblinking. He couldn’t be expected to do anything else in that condition. 

His only free period during the day was after the cafeteria closed. He usually snuck in between periods earlier in the day to snag food. The lunch ladies never commented on the fact that he always asked for a brown bag instead of the usual tray. The second to last period of the day, he smuggled it all in his backpack to the library for study hall. Naruto was usually waiting for him in a back corner.

They barely exchanged a greeting before Sasuke dug into his food. Naruto chattered about his day, and Sasuke nodded along and made noises of approval or distaste at appropriate times, and by the time Naruto was finished talking Sasuke was usually finished eating so they could get to work. Naruto took a study hall instead of a second art class specifically for Sasuke to help him, and Sasuke needed the break during his day anyway.

“Alright, so what in the _fuck_ am I supposed to learn from Catcher in the Rye anyway? ‘Cause all I’m getting is that Holden Caufield is a little bitch.”

Sasuke nodded. English was always Naruto’s weakest subject, nearly getting him held back several times since middle school. This was far from the first book he’d help Naruto dissect, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last, either.

“It’s about not wanting to grow up.”

“Why the hell wouldn’t he wanna grow up? It makes shit so much easier! D’ya know I technically can’t be employed without working papers, and I’d need the old perv’s permission to get them? I’m lucky a lot of the businesses in this city are so shady. They cover that in your business class?”

“Off topic, Naruto,” Sasuke said coolly, tapping at the open book in front of him. “Holden Caufield doesn’t want to grow up because he doesn’t want to lose his innocence. He doesn’t want to take on the responsibility of adulthood. He also thinks a lot of adults are phonies, and he doesn’t want to be fake like them.”  
“I’d prefer it if he were fake. If being a whiny bitch is his real personality, then I don’t want any part of the real him.”

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose. _Patience. He’s always like this at first…_

“Don’t try to think of the book as trying to convince you he’s a good person,” he suggested.

“Huh?”

“The way the book is written isn’t meant to be sympathetic. You’re not necessarily meant to root for him. It’s intentionally angsty. In some ways, it’s meant to alienate you the same way Holden feels alienated from the world. Get it?” Naruto nodded.

“So it’s, like, the opposite of superhero comics?” Sasuke blinked.

“Explain?”  
“So, like, superheroes sometimes do shit that if an ordinary person did we’d say, ‘wow, what a dick!’ but we’re still meant to root for them. We still think they’re good people. The narration is… sympathetic? Is that the word?” Sasuke nodded, intrigued by the connection he was making. “Catcher in the Rye is the opposite. We’re not meant to root for Holden no matter how a good person he is or how good his beliefs are. We’re supposed to want him to grow up, even though he doesn’t want to, because he’s not the good guy here. Right?” 

Sasuke nodded a few times.

“I guess you could say that, yeah. Holden isn’t bad, though, he’s just afraid. And the way the book is written is supposed to expose his fear as melodramatic and stupid.”

“What’s melodramatic mean?”  
“Overly dramatic. Exaggerated.” Naruto nodded, jotting the word down in the margins of his notebook alongside his other notes. “One L,” Sasuke corrected. Naruto scribbled it out and re-wrote it.

“Okay. So I still think he’s a little bitch, but I guess I can relate. I mean, we’ve all had our fair share of mental breakdowns, right?” Sasuke snorted. _You have absolutely no idea…_

They continued working together, only veering wildly off topic once or twice. _He must really want to pass this class,_ Sasuke thought, _or he wouldn’t be trying so hard to focus._ By the end, Naruto had a thorough enough understanding of the book that Sasuke felt confident in his ability to pass the test on Monday. He’d be over there for the weekend anyway, so he could drill him a few times if he needed to. 

Sasuke proceeded to his last class of the day feeling like an actual human being. Latin was his hardest class, and he was grateful it happened to run after his study hall. It was the one class he couldn’t ace on his own, and he’d never learn it on an empty stomach and no sleep. He took notes studiously and drew his conjugation charts as neatly as he could and highlighted anything his teacher repeated more than usual. He even stayed behind after the bell just to make sure he’d gotten everything down.

He pushed his way through the crowds of students, trying to get to his locker. He was nearly there when a large, chattering group clogged up the hallway. He forced himself between them, barely able to squeeze past. He would have lost his balance if Naruto’s hand didn’t shoot out and pound his chest, knocking the wind out of him but also preventing him from falling.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry! You good?” Sasuke rubbed the new sore spot, punching Naruto’s arm. “Ow! I was just tryna help, you bastard!” 

“Fucking hurt, stupid.” He opened his locker, shuffling books and papers.

“Fine! Next time I’ll just let you bust your face open, see if I care.”

“What’s got you so moody? Didn’t you just come from Art?”

Naruto groaned loudly into his open locker, earning a few strange looks from others nearby. 

“Not going well?”

“Not going well? _Not going well_? My portfolio is due in less than a month and I have no inspiration. Nothing! I hate everything I make!” He closed the locker and leaned heavily against it.

“The vents are gonna leave marks on your forehead.”

“Like I give a damn,” Naruto grumbled. 

“I’ll do a review,” Sasuke offered.

“It’s not gonna help.”  
“Bullshit, it always helps.”

“I’m telling you, Sasuke, it’s not gonna help!”

“Fine, suffer then.”

He promptly shut his locker and walked away. Naruto spluttered incoherently, jogging after him.

“Wait, wait, wait! Okay, we’ll try it! Just… don’t be surprised if I still hate everything by the end, okay?” Sasuke smirked. 

“They must be pretty bad if you’re saying that. Maybe _I’ll_ hate them by the end, too.” Naruto clenched his fists at his sides, pouting.

“Hey, I didn’t say they were bad! I just don’t like them!” _Gotcha._

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t like them, loser. It matters if admissions counselors like them. We’ll do a review,” Sasuke promised again. 

“Hm… alright, yeah. We’ll do a review,” Naruto confirmed. Redundantly. _Such an idiot…_

The moment they entered the secondary auditorium, Sai snatched Naruto up and whisked him away to get measured. Sasuke brought his and Naruto’s stuff to the props closet for storage. He ignored the extremely creepy puppets hanging above his head and picked his way around the semi-functional musical instruments lying around, having clearly been knocked down by someone else. _Trying to clean this up will only result in an avalanche. Better to let Hinata and the prop guys deal with it…_

The cast assembled, one by one, in a circle on the floor. Naruto was at Sasuke’s side the second Sai was finished, bouncing in place with barely-contained energy. Sasuke glanced around.

“Where’s Kiba?” Naruto blinked owlishly for a moment before the proverbial lightbulb finally turned on.

“Oh, he had a seizure earlier so he had to go home.” Sasuke nodded. _He must have run out of medication…_ As if to answer the thought, Naruto added, “He gets paid tonight, so he’ll be able to get a refill soon, at least.” Sasuke just nodded again. _Good. He needs them…_

“Hey, Sasuke.”

He grimaced as Sakura sidled up next to him, tucking locks of pink hair behind her ear. She smelled like an artificial fruit cocktail and he already wanted nothing more than for her to go away. 

“Hn.”

“I like your jacket. Did you put the patches on yourself?”

“Mm-hm.”  
“That’s really cool! I can sew and embroider pretty well. I can make you some patches if you want.”

“No thanks.”

“Sakura, what’s embroidering?” Naruto asked. Sasuke was able to breathe again, even though the idiot was right in his face, leaning across him to see Sakura better. She rolled her eyes.

“Embroidery is a type of decorative sewing. Like this.” 

She poked at the fan on Sasuke’s back, and he flinched, edging away from her. But Naruto grabbed his sides and spun him, forcing Sasuke to face her so he could more closely examine the design. Sakura’s face lit up in delight, and Sasuke’s stomach dropped.

“Don’t touch me, stupid!” he cried, smacking Naruto’s arms down and scuttling back, away from both of them, breaking the circle’s shape.

“Just let me see your jacket!” He pounced at him, knocking Sasuke onto his back. They scuffled, pushing and pulling at each other’s jackets, Naruto trying to get Sasuke to turn over and Sasuke trying to get Naruto _off_. 

“Naruto, knock it off!” Sakura demanded. _Fuck this!_

Sasuke locked his legs around Naruto and flipped their positions in one swift movement, planting his hand on Naruto’s jaw to keep him down. Sasuke took Naruto’s punch with nothing but a hiss. Rage flared hot inside him, the flames licking at his skin as he cocked his arm back to deliver his own-

“Hey, no fighting!”

Sasuke winced as Kakashi pulled sharply on his hair, dragging him off of Naruto. Sasuke reached up on instinct, about to break the hold when Naruto scrambled to stand back up, lunging. Sasuke fully anticipated all of them to fall back to the floor, but Kakashi’s palm hitting Naruto’s forehead stopped him dead in his tracks. He rolled backward, clutching what would surely be a bruise later.

“FUCK, what was that for, Kakashi?!”

“Mister! Hatake! How many times do I have to tell you little cretins that?!” Kakashi sighed irritably, finally letting go of Sasuke’s hair. He rubbed at the sore spot, glaring at Kakashi with all the aggression in his body. “You two _need_ to stop fighting. I don’t want to kick you out of the program.”

“We weren’t fighting!” Naruto argued.

“Oh, so I _didn’t_ just see you both wrestling each other? Just now? About thirty seconds ago?”

Sakura crouched next to Sasuke. _For the love of-_

“That looked like it hurt! Are you okay?” she asked, reaching out to touch his hair. He pushed her hand aside, standing up and dusting himself off. 

“I’m fine,” he growled, stalking away.

“Hey, get back here, Uchiha!” He bit back an annoyed groan, spinning back on his heel.

“What?”

“Stay after rehearsal today. You’re both on clean-up duty.”

“But Kakashi, I have a job! I can’t stay that late without notice!”

“Then you better clean quick.”

Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets, making his way off the stage to supervise from the seats.

“Tenten, lead stretches, please.”

“On it! Alright everyone, circle up!” Sasuke scowled at Naruto, who mouthed “I’m sorry!” in response. Sasuke jabbed his ribs with his elbow as they sat back down beside each other. Naruto opened his mouth to yell at him, then evidently thought better of it, scowling back instead. Sasuke took it a step further, keeping his eyes on Tenten, pretending Naruto didn’t even exist.

“Seriously, Sasuke, I’m sorry,” he whispered. _I know it’s petty and stupid, but I’m really not in the mood for this right now. I just wanna get through rehearsal and get out…_ “C’mon, ‘Suke, you’re really gonna give me the silent treatment?”  
“Just stretch, moron.”

“But Sasuke-”

“Naruto!” Kakashi snapped. “No talking!”

He pouted, but shut his mouth and did as he was told. He couldn’t afford more punishment. Sasuke walked away as soon as stretching was over, waiting in the wings for his cue. _Kurenai used to have us do improv practice and charades and other games. Kakashi seems to think it’s all a waste of time, though. It’s not as fun…_

“Alright, gremlins, from the top! Act I, Scene I!” 

His clap rang out through the auditorium, and Sasuke unbecame.

Chino said his lines, pretended that objects and structures were there and interacted with them. He spoke with Maria tenderly, he stood stalwartly by Bernardo. He sang only when the rest of the Sharks were, just to bolster the ensemble’s sound. Chino was much too shy to sing on his own. Chino didn’t notice Tony’s singing, didn’t even know who Tony _was_ yet. But Sasuke heard Naruto, and goosebumps rose along his arms just as always, filling with chills. He was in great voice today, better than yesterday, even. _He must have warmed up in one of the backrooms before his first scene…_ Naruto read his lines out of the script the whole time, so they were able to get much farther into the show, nearly to the end of Act I (minus the big dance). Kakashi went back and fixed blocking, clarified lines, and workshopped Naruto and Sakura’s duet again. Sasuke watched the events on stage with an intensity that evidently scared off the younger members, memorizing lines and songs and blocking that didn’t even belong to him. 

He was so absorbed, in fact, that he didn’t notice Sai had appeared beside him until he tapped his shoulder. He held back a frightened screech. Sai didn’t say anything, just smiled and beckoned for him to come. He followed, glaring at his back, and stopped him in front of the stairs, where the light was strongest. Kakashi had Chouji and Shino playing with the lights in the back, trying to get a sense of how each scene could look, what he liked and didn’t like. Hinata sat on the edge of the stage, taking notes.

“Remove your jacket, please,” Sai instructed. He shed it and set it down on the stair railing. Sai stretched the tape measure across Sasuke’s shoulders. “You don’t talk much, do you, Sasuke?”

“Hn.” That was one of his least favorite questions. _What kind of answer do you expect? It’s so weird to comment on how much someone does or doesn’t talk. What’s the point of doing that?_ Sai chuckled to himself, scribbling Sasuke’s measurements in a notepad he’d stapled to a sweatband and tied a pen to. _Also what’s with that? I get it, it makes it easier to work, but it looks so weird…_ He measured the length of Sasuke’s arm next.

“You and Naruto seem close. Are you friends, or enemies?” Sasuke grimaced. 

“What’s it matter to you?”

Sai shrugged, gesturing for Sasuke to raise his arms horizontally. He wrapped the tape measure around his middle. Sasuke twitched, suppressing the urge to move away from him. 

“Just curious. The way people relate to one another is fascinating. Don’t you agree?” 

“I don’t think about it much.” _Liar. My life is defined by the way I do and don’t relate to others…_

“I suggest you do. You might learn something interesting.”

“I didn’t ask for advice.”

“A bit rude, no? I’m just making conversation.”

“Just do your job so I can go do mine.”

“Ah. So you see this as a job?”

“Graduating is my job. This program is designed to help us all graduate, so I’m here.”

“So if you thought this was a waste of time, you wouldn’t be here?”

Sasuke didn’t answer, very aware of Sai’s breath on his face as he measured the circumference of his chest. _He usually stands behind people to take this one. Is he trying to intimidate me? Size me up? I won’t back down…_ Sai scribbled again, kneeling in front of him.

“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable,” he insisted, even as he wrapped the tape measure firmly around Sasuke’s hips, Sai’s thumbs brushing his pelvis in a way he _definitely_ didn’t think was unintentional. He grit his teeth, but said nothing. “I’m just trying to understand you better as a person. I’m still rather new here, after all.”

“What for?” Sai cocked his head to the side, removing the tape measure.

“I told you before: I’m curious. You seem interesting.”

“I’m no more interesting than anyone else.”

“I disagree. People seem drawn to you. Especially the girls. There’s something about you others find intriguing. I’m trying to find out what.”

Sasuke didn’t know what to say to that. _It’s true. A lot of the girls have this weird fascination with me. I don’t know why. I’ve never wanted their attention, I still don’t. None of them really…_ _know_ _me..._

“I’m taking your inseam now.” Sasuke lowered his arms, refusing to look down at Sai as he placed one end of the tape measure near his crotch and the other at his ankle. “I think what’s most interesting about you,” he continued, “is that you seem terribly lonely, but want nothing to do with the people who give you the most attention. Is it a complex of some kind? Are you insecure but hiding it behind a tough facade?” Sasuke felt himself prickling. He clenched his jaw to keep from saying something that would end in a brawl. _Just who does this guy think he is…?!_ “Perhaps it’s your aesthetic. You look like a bad boy. A lot of women like that.”

“Tch. Stupid.” Sai raised a brow.

“What about it is stupid?”

“You’re the fashion nerd. You figure it out.”

He left Sai to ponder it alone, stomping back up the stairs with the combat boots he still refused to take off. He hated sneakers, and the only ones he owned were his hand-me-downs from Itachi. All of them were white, which only made him hate them more.

When rehearsal ended and the cool-down stretches were completed and sharing was over (today’s question was favorite colors and no one was shocked that Sasuke’s was black), Naruto and Sasuke rushed to clean up, their spat earlier already long forgotten. They swept the stage floors like madmen. Naruto returned scripts that had been left lying around while Sasuke kept sweeping. They worked together to close all the curtains. It took less than half an hour, but by the end they were both panting.

“Good work, boys. Get out. And _behave_ , will you?”

They bolted out of there quicker than anything.

They usually took their time walking home, but today they kept the pace just beneath a jog. Naruto didn’t have his uniform with him, so he changed while Sasuke threw cup ramen in the microwave for him. He ran out with the ramen in one hand and disposable chopsticks in the other, shouting a good-bye over his shoulder. The door slammed, leaving Sasuke in another empty apartment. He locked the front door. _At least there’s nowhere for someone to hide here. Everything is one room…_ Naruto’s studio apartment was small as small could be. From the front door, Naruto’s bed and dresser/TV stand were immediately visible. The kitchen was to his left, just a fridge, a stove, a built-in microwave, and a sliver of counterspace beside the sink, above which was Naruto’s singular cupboard. The table and two chairs lived beyond that, near the bathroom. The bathroom was the only separated space, consisting of a sink, a shower, and a toilet.

Despite the limited space, Naruto managed to make it feel like a home. His art hung everywhere. His bed was raised to make room for a smaller set of drawers. The bed itself held a number of stuffed animals and blankets, most of which Sasuke recognized as gifts from their friends. He even kept a few plants in his windowsills. Sasuke watered the ones in the bedroom. The bathroom plants were fine.

Sasuke sat down on the ratty carpet stretching between the bed and the TV, picking up Naruto’s phone. He entered his own phone number using the rotary dial, twisting the cord around his finger while it rang. His heart sank with each unanswered ring. _Did he never come home? He’s usually home and awake by now…_

“Hello?” a sleepy voice finally said.

“Nii-san?”

“Is something wrong?” _He sure sounds awake now…_

“No. I’m at Safety. I’m planning to stay a few days.”

“That’s fine. Do you have enough money?”

“Yes.”  
“Good. Don’t want you to be an inconvenience.”

Itachi cleared his throat, filling an otherwise awkward silence.

“When did you get in?” Sasuke asked.

“A few hours ago. I was sleeping just now.”  
“I’m sorry to wake you. Is everything okay?”

Another silence.

“We’ll talk when you’re back. Have fun, be safe.”

“You, too.”  
“Alright. I love you, Hawk.” _I wish he didn’t have to use my other name…_

“Love you too, Weasel. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Sasuke placed the handset back on the receiver. He slowly laid down on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. _Does he even realize this is the first time we’ve spoken in days? Does he really have nothing to say to me? Why didn’t he want to say if he was okay? Does he think the phone is bugged? Should I not have called from Naruto’s? I don’t want to get him roped into our drama. He’s done so well not getting involved despite being so close to me. I don’t want him to suffer for our circumstances…_

Eventually, Sasuke sighed and sat back up, pulling out his homework. Worrying wouldn’t accomplish anything. He’d finished a decent portion of it in study hall while he was helping Naruto, but he had a lot to do still. Hours and hours’ worth. It was his own fault, since he had to teach himself everything he was too tired to absorb during the day in addition to the actual assignments, but it still sucked. He sighed again, opening his English book.

He went through English, Latin, and Physics first, only taking a break to stretch and check the time. He still had three hours before Naruto got home. He spent the next hour and a half on Calculus. He was good at math, but the unit they were doing now was particularly time consuming. He chugged along ruthlessly all the same, determined to have his weekend free. When he finished that, he turned immediately to his Business homework. He only stopped when he felt a headache coming on. It was then he realized that Naruto would be home in less than an hour, and that Sasuke himself hadn’t eaten since their study hall. The rest would have to wait for another time.

At last he got up and started rummaging through Naruto’s meager food supplies, trying to figure out what he could make. Sasuke always had free reign of Naruto’s kitchen. Naruto couldn’t cook for shit- nor did he have much desire to learn- and though he’d happily live off of ramen and frozen dinners the rest of his life, Sasuke insisted on making him eat real food when he was over. Unlike Naruto, Sasuke found a kind of solace in cooking. It busied his hands and mind. It helped him turn some of his nervous energy into something productive. Plus, he couldn’t deny a certain pride that came from turning nothing into something. 

The recipes on the counter were evidence of Naruto’s attempt at burritos earlier that week. He had scribbled notes Sasuke couldn’t even read all over the pages, ripped out from magazines and boxes of other foods. He piled them up and stuck them in the binder Naruto kept on top of the fridge. He had to get up on tip-toes to reach it. _Naruto probably just stands on a chair,_ he realized belatedly as he put it back up. _That’d make more sense…_ He shook his head to clear it, cracked his knuckles, and got to work.

Naruto had nearly all the ingredients he needed still. He would have liked a little lime juice to throw on the chicken, but he didn’t mind going without. Naruto didn’t have much by way of cookware, either. That was usually the hardest part. He set a cup of rice and some frozen vegetables he found tucked away in the back of the freezer to boil in Naruto’s singular pot. He added a chicken ramen packet and some spices. Naruto didn’t cook, so he rarely spiced his food with anything but hot sauce. Sasuke had been the one to spend all he’d saved at the time to get Naruto a decent set of spices. He was happy he had included turmeric and cilantro among them; they were proving invaluable to him now. He focused on the chicken and onions while he waited for the rice and veggies to finish cooking. _I’m lucky the idiot has two pans for me to work with, at least…_ He sauteed the onions in one pan and cooked the chicken (seasoned, of course) in the other pan. He checked the rice, gave it a little stir, then left it alone again while he continued to focus on the other ingredients. It was still too watery, and he needed to pay attention to the chicken in particular. _The last thing I wanna do is accidentally poison him…_

The door swung open just as he was wiping down the onion pan, prepping it to warm the flour tortillas.

“God _damn_ it, why does it have to smell so good in here?!” Naruto whined, hanging his hat on a hook near the door and kicking off his shoes. 

“You’ll eat soon. Shower first.”

“I know, I know. I’m a stinky fast food boy.” Naruto tried to investigate the food over Sasuke’s shoulder, but he swatted him away.  
“Shower.”

“Ugh, fine!”

Sasuke chuckled as the door shut. Naruto took the fastest showers in the world. Sasuke only had enough time to assemble one burrito for each of them. He knew Naruto would want at least two more. Naruto emerged just as Sasuke was setting their plates down on the table, nearly nailing him with the bathroom door.

“Fuck, sorry!” Sasuke just shrugged. No harm no foul as far as he was concerned. He was bothered far more by the fact that he was _very_ aware of Naruto’s undressed state, walking around in only a towel. He’d almost rather have been hit in the face with the door. He intentionally sat in the chair that put his back to Naruto while he got dressed. Naruto joined him in seconds, it seemed, the scent of his soap wafting over Sasuke as he brushed past, wearing a baggy set of pajamas. He swallowed. _Relax._

Naruto dumped as much information about how his shift had gone as he possibly could in one breath. Sasuke nodded along, crushing down his feelings. Sharing a meal was _not_ intimate. The way Naruto touched Sasuke’s arm as he spoke meant _nothing_ . He smiled the same way he did for anyone else: these smiles were _not_ special, they were _not_ meant just for him. Sasuke was almost relieved when Naruto finished his third burrito and expressed his contentment, congratulating Sasuke on a meal well done. At least now he could occupy himself with clearing the table and doing the dishes and maybe cleaning the kitchen in general while he was at it. Anything to distract him from this onslaught of feelings he didn’t want to have in the first place.

Naruto sat cross-legged on his bed, facing Sasuke as he washed the dishes and scrubbed the stove.

“Are you sure you don’t want help?” Naruto asked, several times.

“Nope,” he insisted just as many. Naruto occupied himself with homework while Sasuke continued to vent his frustrations via scrub brush. 

“Sasuke, what does…?” He trailed off, squinting at his book. “Wait, how you even pronounce this…?” 

“Just spell it out, loser.” He shot Sasuke a glare. Annoying each other was normal. _Normal, normal, normal_. Bickering made him feel more at ease.

“F-R-A-U-G-H-T.”

“Fraught. Uh… to be full of something, usually in a negative way. You might say that sky diving is fraught with danger due to the possibility of a parachute not deploying properly.” Naruto nodded, no doubt adding this word to his notebook, too.

“Okay, thanks. You taking a shower?”  
“Yeah, why?”

“I got you a new toothbrush. It’s blue. I left it on the counter.”

“‘Kay. Thanks.”

Sasuke disappeared into the bathroom with his backpack in his hand. The room was still damp from Naruto’s shower, the humidity still hanging heavy in the air. He didn’t look into the mirror or down at himself as he stripped and bathed. He just stared into space, letting the water pelt his skin. _Be normal. Don’t make things weird. He’s your only real friend…_ Still, he couldn’t help but feel happy to share Naruto’s scent through his soap and shampoo, and the surge of giddiness that billowed up in him at the prospect of sharing a bed with him tonight made him smile to himself like an utter buffoon. _Having my own toothbrush here is just common sense,_ he argued with himself as he brushed his teeth. _It’s not an expression of any kind of emotion. There’s no intention behind it aside from making me feel welcome. It’s nothing, we’re just friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be…_

He couldn’t deny that every time he saw Naruto, it got more and more difficult to pretend he was annoyed by him. It was hard to reject his affection, to put space between them when he wanted to share a blanket and watch TV, to extricate himself from Naruto’s grip when he inevitably fell asleep on top of him and instead settle on the floor to lie awake and stare at him from there, at a safe distance. Sometimes the pain of pushing Naruto away, of always keeping him at arm’s length, made Sasuke want to scream. It was a pain he was willing to endure, though, to keep Naruto in his life. _He loves Sakura,_ he reminded himself. _He’ll never feel for me what I feel for him. That’s not his fault. It’s my problem, it’s my burden to bear. I refuse to give him more heartache. He’s been through enough. He deserves a relationship with another person he can understand, that he can take comfort in, that he can return to when everything else seems out of control. I will sacrifice my own happiness to make sure he stays happy. I won’t threaten our friendship by involving_ _those_ _feelings…_

Even aside from these thoughts and feelings, Naruto’s presence was a comfort to him. If there was one thing he could count on, it was their mutual willingness to throw their lives on the line for each other. Naruto’s place was safer for him than his own apartment. Naruto was a safer person to be around than his own brother. Naruto’s codename was _Safety_ , for fuck’s sake. Sasuke wondered once more if he should just rip off the bandaid and move here permanently. He could remove himself from Itachi, from the life he led. He could erase the path that constantly beckoned to him, choosing the path that Naruto was on instead. _But how much is my peace worth when it will only plunge my brother into more turmoil? What kind of coward abandons his own flesh and blood to save himself? I won’t do it. I’d rather teeter on the edge of insanity and violence than leave my brother to wallow in it alone. At least, with me around, he still has a chance at some kind of normalcy. He still has a chance to turn his life around…_

These thoughts kept him awake well into the night. Once more, it was only with the breaking of the dawn light that Sasuke was finally able to fall asleep, Naruto’s snores lulling him, his sleeping face an afterimage that seeped into his dreams and kept the nightmares at bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's right folx, sasuke has a crush but doesn't wanna ruin the friendship. classic shit. and yeah, it's gonna hurt. 
> 
> sorry not sorry Щ(･｀ω´･Щ)


	3. The Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> itachi and sasuke are ten years apart in this fic. he had to be sasuke's brother and his parent. please for the love of g o d don't make it weird.
> 
> tw's for violence, unwillingly being drugged, talk of death and grief

For the next month, Sasuke and Itachi only saw each other in passing. Itachi was often just coming home as Sasuke was leaving for school, leaving room for only a brief “good morning” on Itachi’s end and “good night” on Sasuke’s. They communicated mainly through notes on the kitchen table. Household policy was that the original note got destroyed before the next was written. Never leave a trail, never leave evidence. Just another of Itachi’s rules for survival. Others included: be careful on the phone, speak in code. If you’re being followed, go anywhere but home- big, well-lit, public places are your best bet. If you have to fight, fight dirty. Follow your instincts and turn the fuck around if you get a bad feeling. 

Each and every rule was deeply ingrained in Sasuke’s psyche. He didn’t think twice about burning the latest note in the empty candle jar they kept on a high bookshelf. The rules had kept him alive for nearly ten years, after all. They were the reason Itachi could leave him home alone for hours at a time when he was only nine years old. Back then it was uncomplicated: he trusted Itachi, so he did what Itachi said. As he grew older, he continued to abide by that rigid set of internal rules, but he knew better than to think Itachi couldn’t just as easily invite danger into his life as safety. In some ways he still saw Itachi as his faultless older brother. He was his caretaker and guardian. He was his protector. But he was also the reason Sasuke lived on the edge. He was the reason he got involved with so many less-than-trustworthy individuals when he was younger. He was the reason Sasuke was in the at-risk group: at-risk for not graduating, for going off the deep end, for ending up on the streets. He owed Itachi his survival, but he was also deeply aware of the fact that his brother’s decisions had ripped away so much of his potential to become something better. Things were complicated now.

Sasuke drowned his anxieties over Itachi’s absence in work. He threw himself into his studies and stayed as long as he could for rehearsals, even staying for set-building most days. He spent most weekends with Naruto, knowing that _if_ Itachi was home he’d just be sleeping the whole time anyway. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was coming. He didn’t know what, but it made his skin crawl and his heart race and he hated it. He felt like he was constantly looking over his shoulder, constantly doing double-takes. He didn’t like it, not one bit, but there was nothing he could do except wait.

Kakashi canceled rehearsal unexpectedly one day. He’d gotten the flu that was traversing the school, hopping from one host to another at alarming speed. Sasuke didn’t know what the nagging sensation in the back of his head was about, but he knew it was telling him to go home. He declined Naruto’s invitation to join him and Sakura and Sai for an outing. He just walked straight home, the thought that he needed to get there growing stronger with every step. Before he knew it, he was in an all-out sprint, racing himself up the stairs to their apartment and bursting through the door.

Itachi raised his head. He was sitting at the kitchen table, looking stiff.

“Hawk. You’re home early.” His tone was horrible. It was too even, too calm. And he was using Sasuke’s codename.

“Yeah, I… they canceled club.” Itachi nodded, glancing to the side. Sasuke narrowed his eyes. “Do you have company?” He nodded rigidly. 

“Yes. Don’t be alarmed. We’re just having a conversation.”

He crept slowly through the hallway, reaching for his knife. Itachi raised a brow. It was the same expression he’d made when Sasuke tried to touch a hot stove or stuck his fingers in a doorjamb as a child. He left it in his pocket, and Itachi relaxed a little. 

Sure enough, as soon as Sasuke rounded the corner, he came face-to-face with three masked people. Another stood in the living room by the bookcase, and a fifth stood in the corner, poised to mark the bedroom door. All the masks were white with red or purple designs, each representing a different animal. _Cat, Rabbit, Monkey, Bear, Crow…_

“Why don’t you take a rest, Hawk? You must be tired,” Itachi suggested pointedly. Sasuke eyeballed the masked people as he came closer, tense, ready to spring into action if any of them made a move. Crow moved to block the entrance to the bedroom, and Rabbit gestured with a knife for Sasuke to sit.

“It appears your guests want to have a chat with me as well.” 

Itachi turned to the one brandishing the knife with a stern look. Rabbit simply cocked their head to the side, pointing again to the chair beside Itachi.

“He is _not_ a part of this.” 

“He’s with you and has an alias. What part of that doesn’t scream ‘part of this’?” Cat asked sardonically. 

“That’s none of your business. He’s a child and he’s not involved. Just let him go.”

“You’re in no position to make demands,” Rabbit said, edging closer to the table. Sasuke gripped the top of his chair, ready to toss it if he had to. _Two to five. All of them armed. I don’t see any guns, just blades. I’m sure Itachi has something on him, and I do, too. It’d be tough, but not impossible. We could fight our way outta this if we really had to-_

“Crow,” said Monkey. She had so far been leaning casually against their kitchen sink, waiting. Now she shifted into a more authoritative stance, addressing the person standing in the doorway to the bedroom. “Let the kid sit in there. He doesn’t need to hear this.”

“No armed guard.”

“Give it a rest, Weasel. We’re not gonna hurt the kid,” Cat said, exasperated.

“Cat,” Monkey warned.

“What? We’re not here for the kid, right? Then it’s fine. As long as he doesn’t pull a weapon on one of us. And I bet you’d like a little company since your club was canceled, right little guy?”

He wrinkled his nose at the patronizing tone in his voice, letting his gaze cut to Itachi for only a moment. _What do I do, Nii-san?_ Itachi seemed to be weighing his options. At last he looked to Sasuke with a smile that could cut glass.

“I’m sure you and Crow will get along splendidly. Play nice, okay?” Sasuke clenched his jaw, glancing at Cat, Rabbit, and Monkey one last time before he followed Crow into the bedroom. He felt Bear’s gaze on his back the whole time.

Sasuke stood near the bed, watching Crow close and lock the door. His fingers twitched. _Cat said if I don’t pull a weapon everything should be fine. If I assault Crow, they might gang up on Itachi. And I have a feeling escaping out the window isn’t going to be an option…_

“Sit,” Crow commanded. Sasuke sank down uneasily, sitting stiffly on the edge of the bed just as Itachi sat stiffly on the edge of his chair in the next room. Crow leaned against the dresser across the room from him. For a while they just stared at each other. Or Sasuke assumed they did, seeing as he couldn’t really tell what their eyes were doing behind the mask in the dim lighting. He couldn’t tell if Crow was male or female. Either way, they had a thin, wiry build. He wasn’t fooled by it; he was sure they were made entirely of muscle, and probably very, very fast. _If I were to take them down, it’d have to be quick and quiet. Which is a problem, ‘cause this is the kind of person who could give me a run for my money. We’re similar, built for speed over strength. They’ve got the height and wingspan advantage over me, though. All I have is knowledge of the environment…_

“Who are you?” he finally asked.

“Crow,” came their deadpan reply. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. 

“I mean all of you. Your organization or group or whatever.” Crow shifted a little. _Talk, ask questions, make them lower their defenses…_

“That’s classified information.”

“So does that mean you work for the police or the government or something?”

“That’s classified information.” 

Sasuke pursed his lips, scanning Crow again and realizing he didn’t see their weapon.

“The others all have knives. Where’s yours?” Crow tilted their head to the side, revealing a knife in their hand, pressed flat to the brace on their arm. “Whoa, how’d you do that?!” he cried. He hoped it wasn’t too exaggerated. _I know exactly how they did it. It was hidden in the arm band…_ Crow gave an amused little chuckle.

“Trick of the trade, kid.”

“Can you teach me?” _I’ll disarm them and incapacitate them with their own knife. Quick and quiet, unexpected. Then I’ll wait for the others to come in, if they haven’t attacked Itachi already, and take the next out as they enter the room. Four-on-two or three-on-two are much better odds, after all. I don’t have to kill them, just injure them enough that they can’t fight. If they can’t see, hear, breathe, or stand, they can’t fight…_

“Absolutely not,” Crow answered, and the momentary distraction made Sasuke miss the sleight of hand to put the weapon away again. It didn’t matter that he didn’t see; he knew this magician’s tricks. “I get it, you’re used to dealing with street scum. Unfortunately for you, we’re a lot smarter.” 

He snorted, buying himself a moment to listen in on the conversation in the next room. Sasuke had always had good hearing. It was a small apartment, but they were speaking quietly, in low tones. They really didn’t want Sasuke to know what was happening.

“Don’t even think about making a break for it, kid. I know you’re scared, but that’s a sure-fire way to get killed.” He turned his attention, unwillingly, back to Crow. He made an intentionally obnoxious face.

“I’m not gonna run. I’m not a coward.” 

“There’s more to being brave than sticking around.” Sasuke snorted again, making a bold move and laying down on the bed, picking a hand ball up off the floor. Crow watched, flinching almost imperceptibly as Sasuke threw it up in the air and caught it.

“Scared of a ball, Crow?” he teased. Crow grunted, easing their stance a bit as Sasuke continued playing with it.

“Acting pretty tough for a kid,” they pointed out. Sasuke shrugged.

“Cat said you wouldn’t hurt me, right? So it’s no big deal.”

“You’re used to people who would?” 

He shrugged. “ _Don’t give information too freely. It can be used against you.”_

“I’m used to people who stick by their word. If you say you won’t hurt me, I trust you won’t do it. And I think if your buddies wanted to hurt Weasel, he’d be hurt by now. So I’m not worried.” _All lies. Keep it up…_

“That’s awfully naive.” Sasuke shrugged a third time.

“Maybe it is. But if you don’t have your word, what do you have?”

Crow shifted again. Sasuke didn’t think he was imagining the discomfort in it. _A sore spot, huh…?_ Sasuke caught the ball for the last time, holding it to his chest.

“I think dishonest people are the most cowardly people of all,” he said, as if he weren’t lying to Crow’s face the entire time. _Maybe I’m being brazen, but it’s working. Crow is losing their nerve…_ “Think about it,” he continued, remembering Naruto’s connection between Catcher in the Rye and superhero comics. “You ever watched a cartoon or read a comic where the villain tries to trick the hero? The villain is always the one portrayed badly for lying, for stooping so low as to use trickery and deceit. The hero is never the bad one, even if they _were_ stupid or naive for believing them.” He turned to Crow now, enjoying how their body had gone rigid listening to him explain. “Plus, the thing about lying? You always get caught. Somehow, some way, you’ll get caught.” _But not me. At least, not today…_

Crow looked visibly relieved when Bear opened the door, gesturing for them to come out.

“The kid, too?” they asked. Bear nodded, stepping aside to let Sasuke and Crow through.

It happened fast. Even faster than Sasuke anticipated. In a fraction of a second, Crow’s knife was pressed to his throat. He grunted, forcing himself not to go for his own knife. _Not yet, not yet…_

“Crow!” Monkey snapped.

“Still so sure I won’t hurt you, kid?” Crow growled. Sasuke couldn’t help but laugh. _As if this is a threat…_

“Not if you know what’s good for you.”

“Crow! Drop the kid!” Monkey demanded. Itachi looked spring-loaded. 

“You think you’re so tough? Go ahead, show me what you’re made of!” 

“Don’t fucking touch him!” Itachi snarled. Sasuke just winked at him.

“It’s okay, Weasel. You wanna see what I’m made of?”

Even faster than Crow, Sasuke disarmed them, swept their feet out from under them, and pinned them by their pretty little vest to the wall using their own knife. Sasuke’s other arm pressed hard against their throat. All Crow could manage was a gasp.

“I’m made of nightmares and steel. What are _you_ made of?” He ripped the knife out of the wall and let Crow collapse to the floor, coughing. He tilted Crow’s head up to look at him with the tip of his own blade. Sasuke couldn’t suppress the sneer on his face. “Don’t fuck with me, and _don’t_ fuck with Weasel. It’s safer for you that way.”

He dropped the knife in Crow’s lap, turning to face the other four. 

“Anyone else wanna have a go? It’ll be fun, I promise.” Cat nodded, giving a few sarcastic claps. 

“Impressive work, kid. How would you like to-?”

“Don’t you dare!” Itachi looked rabid, wild-eyed, ready to tear Cat to shreds at a moment’s notice. Cat raised his hands defensively and leaned back against the counter.

“How old are you, Hawk?” Monkey asked. 

“Too young for you, old lady.” She grunted as Crow staggered back to their feet.

“He’s really got a way of unnerving you, right?” they wheezed.

“If you really are a kid, then you better be careful,” she said, ignoring Crow. “People on the streets will notice skills like that. They’ll want you dead. Or worse, they’ll want you on their side.” Sasuke snorted, leaning against the doorjamb.

“I can take care of myself. I don’t need your advice.” She nodded. He could feel her gaze on him, the way it pinpointed his weak spots. If she could knock him off balance from across the room, she surely would have, and in the most accurate, efficient way possible. She was clearly the leader, and for good reason- he could tell just by the way she conducted herself that she was the strongest of them. Not bigger than Bear, and probably not faster than Crow, but far more deadly. Some sick part of him wished he could face off with her, one-on-one.

Instead, she made a signal with her hands, and before he had a chance to react, both Bear and Crow were on top of him. He thrashed, trying to knock Crow off of him and destablize Bear’s stance. Cat dove in to help, pinning his arm down, and something sharp sank into it.

“What are you doing to him?!” Itachi roared, but by the time the words were out of his mouth they had already let go. Sasuke clutched the wound in surprise, scrambling away from them. It barely bled, and he noticed Cat was holding a syringe as he returned to his original station. _What did they give me…?!_ Itachi said something, but he missed it, the thudding of his own pulse in his ears drowning it out. His mouth was dry, tasting of saline. His legs felt wobbly already. His body had the sensation of TV static. Even his face was going numb. _What the fuck…?!_ He tried to lean back against a wall that was evidently much further away than he thought, and Itachi shot out of his seat to catch him before he fell.

“Don’t fight it, kid. Just go to sleep,” Monkey said, sounding almost relieved.

He did fight it, though, trying to get back up, swaying on his feet even with Itachi supporting him. He pitched forward, the table rattling loudly as he caught himself on the edge of it.

“Fuck! You… b-bastards…!”

“Jesus, Weasel, you sure got a tough one on your hands,” Cat crooned amusedly. “I like him. Hey, Hawk, why don’t you fight me next?” Sasuke tried to respond to the jab, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to talk anymore. His vision was starting to blur, Monkey and Rabbit and Cat all swinging in and out of focus, merging into one another and pulling apart again. His breathing was starting to slow despite himself. 

“Just go down. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll get it over with.”

“Fuck you!” he spat at nobody in particular, unsure who had spoken.

“What’s wrong, kid? Feeling disoriented?” He staggered, trying to face Crow even as his body rebelled against him. The room was starting to spin. “Guess you’re made of flesh and bone just like the rest of us. How disappointing.” He still tried to press forward, tried to figure out where his hand had gone so he could get his knife, but Itachi stopped him, hooking his arms under Sasuke’s and locking him close to his chest.

“Stop it!” he demanded. He wasn’t sure if Itachi was talking to him or to the others. The next sentence, though, clearly belonged to Sasuke. “Just give up. It’s okay.”

“I won’t give up… “ His words slurred together, almost incomprehensible. And yet, even as he said this, his eyes were starting to close. He couldn’t see anyway, his vision far too blurry, the room spinning far too fast; he felt himself fading and he _hated_ it. 

“I won’t let anything happen to you. Let go, Sasuke.” Itachi’s whisper was the only thing he could hear. Were his eyes closed or had the world gone black? His head bobbed as he started to go limp, starting to slip from Itachi’s grasp like an eel as he melted into a puddle of jelly. _Fight it. Just... fight it until... they go…_

He woke up alone and confused on a tile floor. He groaned. His arm hurt, and the lights overhead were too bright, and the tiles were cold, and the taste of vomit in his mouth only made him more nauseous. _There’s no way… that was all a dream, right…?_ He heard the door open, and he struggled to stand, his body moving four times slower than he wanted to. His head pounded and his stomach lurched, and he reached blindly for something to hold onto. Strong arms caught him, setting him back down on the floor. Sasuke dug his nails into their skin, about to tear downward when Itachi’s voice floated through his head. 

“It’s okay, it’s me. Don’t move too much.” He breathed a sigh of relief, letting himself lean into the embrace, thoughts of destruction wiped away.

“Itachi…” He stroked Sasuke’s hair the way their mother used to.

“It’s okay,” he assured again. Weak as he was, Sasuke could still hug him back.

“Nii-san… What’s happening…?” 

A sudden wave of nausea washed hot over him. He pushed Itachi away before he could answer, hanging his head over the toilet. He felt Itachi rubbing his back as he coughed.

“How much do you remember?” he asked when Sasuke could finally breathe again, drool falling from his slack jaw. He couldn’t lift his head. 

“Crow… Monkey, Cat… Bear, Rabbit...” Itachi grimaced.

“We’ll talk when you’re feeling better.”

“Itachi-!” He clutched the toilet so hard his knuckles went white, choking back more vomit.

“Sasuke, please. Stop fighting.”

He didn’t stop. The nausea just won. Itachi rubbed more circles into Sasuke’s back. His breathing was ragged when he finished, his throat burning. The nasty coat of sweat on his skin suddenly made lying on the cold tiles seem like a great idea.

“Don’t sleep on the floor, Sasuke.”

“Not sleeping,” he mumbled. “Just resting…” Itachi’s sigh sounded as tired as Sasuke felt. He brushed Sasuke’s hair away from his forehead, pressing his palm to it.

“You’re not running a fever.” 

“ ‘Cause I’m not sick, genius. I was drugged…”

“Sometimes people run fevers when new drugs are introduced to their system. Sue me for being safe.” Sasuke pouted at Itachi’s stern tone.

“You’re mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you.” 

He picked Sasuke up and cradled him to his chest, as if he were still an infant instead of a near-fully-grown-man. Sasuke grumbled in protest, but made no attempt to break free. He was too tired. 

Sasuke couldn’t help but sigh when Itachi set him down again. He’d expected their shitty couch- and it was still their shitty couch, of course- but Itachi had put a quilt down to soften it, and blankets and pillows that he shifted around to keep Sasuke warm and slightly upright. He was so close to the bathroom, he could roll off and crawl there if he had to. _Which I might,_ he thought blearily. _I feel like shit…_ He listened to Itachi shuffle around, and felt the light turn off. He cracked his eyes open, his vision adjusting to the dark. Itachi’s figure was backlit by the strip of light pouring through the bathroom door.

“Nii-san,” he called. Itachi knelt at Sasuke’s side, tasks forgotten.

“What is it?”  
“Promise me, when I’m better, that you’ll tell me what’s happening. I’m… I’m worried about you...”

Itachi chuckled, poking Sasuke’s forehead as he always did.

“Yes. Another time, Sasuke.” He rose, his shadow draping itself over him. Sasuke wore it as another layer, letting his eyes slip shut again. “And don’t worry about me. My job as your big brother is to worry about you, not the other way around.” The pull of the drugs was intense. He felt himself falling quickly into their depths.

“But if I don’t, who will....?” he murmured. Itachi laughed softly again, flicking Sasuke’s hair from his face.

“Sleep now. We’ll talk later, I promise.”

“Hn…” 

He knew better than to trust Itachi’s promises, but he drifted off before he could say another word.

  
  


___

  
  


He woke to Itachi making breakfast. He was clearly trying to stay quiet, but even the tiny metallic clangs felt ear-piercing to Sasuke. _Fuck. I’ve never had a hangover before, but I imagine it feels a lot like this…_ He sat up with a groan, holding his stomach with one hand and his head with the other. 

“Good morning, sunshine.” Sasuke shot Itachi a sour look.

“You’re in an unreasonably good mood.”

“And you’re in an unusually bad one, so it cancels out.” 

Sasuke sneered at the idea, easing himself off the couch. To his surprise, he was actually able to walk again once the momentary light-headedness subsided. He sank down into the nearest kitchen chair, resting his head on his arms. Itachi placed a bottle in front of him. 

“You’ll feel much better after you drink it,” he said, already prepared for Sasuke’s argument. He wrinkled his nose in disgust as he took it, turning it over and letting the liquid inside slosh around.

“Looks like piss in a bottle.”

“You say that every time, but it always makes you feel better.” 

Sasuke kept pouting at him, having a hard time breaking the seal. Rather than make him admit he needed help, Itachi reached back and popped it open with one hand, returning easily to the eggs he was frying.

“Show off.” Itachi smirked as Sasuke held his breath and drank. _Gatorade also_ _tastes_ _like piss,_ he thought miserably, forcing himself to swallow a few mouthfuls before he set the bottle back down. “You really had to get the big one, huh?”

“Yep. And you have to drink it all.”

“ _Nii-san_ ,” Sasuke whined. Itachi tutted, shaking his head.

“I know you hate it, but you have to. You threw up a lot. You need to replace the electrolytes.” Sasuke grimaced, poking at the bottle as if it were a new alien species. “Don’t play with it.” Sasuke snorted.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, you are our father after all,” he mocked, crumpling a napkin and tossing it at Itachi’s head. He caught it without even looking and dropped it on the counter beside him.

“It’s ‘magic mirror’,” he corrected.

“Both versions are right, asshole. Look at the original German translation again.”

“I haven’t read or spoken German since I graduated, Sasuke. Ten years ago.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. _It’s no wonder I built my most solid friendship around bickering. The way Itachi and I talk to each other is an endless series of pointed jabs and jaunty banter and snide remarks. That I bicker with Naruto to show affection shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, least of all myself…_

They ate, and Itachi laughed at the disgusted face Sasuke made every time he forced himself to chug more Gatorade, and sure enough he started to feel a little better.

“When are you leaving, Nii-san?” he asked as Itachi dumped the dishes into the sink.

“I’m not.” Sasuke cocked his head to the side.

“Why? I’m fine now.” His brother smirked, producing a set of keys from his pocket and letting them dangle from his fingers.

“I thought you might like to play hooky.”

Sasuke didn’t ask where Itachi got the car, nor where they were going. He didn’t even ask if they were going to talk about what happened the day before. He just let Itachi drive, knowing that his questions would have answers, trusting that his brother would do the right thing by him. The November air whipped cold through the car, tousling Sasuke’s hair. He hadn’t been in a car in ages. _We haven’t gone anywhere in a long time, either. I won’t turn down spending time together…_

Halfway through the route, Sasuke suddenly realized where they were going. He turned to Itachi, about to say it, but he just smiled and turned up the radio.

They only stopped once, at the same gas station they always did. It was owned by a different company now, with a different logo, and everything was shiny and new. Different from what they remembered, but still the same. The layout hadn’t changed. Itachi knew exactly where to go for more Gatorade, to Sasuke’s chagrin, but just like when he was a child, his silence could be bought with a simple bag of trail mix. He munched on it contentedly, handing Itachi the occasional handful of chocolate on autopilot. _How easily we fall back into old habits from simpler times…_

It was another two hours before they reached their destination. The sun was setting red over a grey sea. The sand was cool to the touch, and the wind was savage, trying to tear their jackets from their arms. They sat side-by-side, sharing a thick blanket, bundled up as if it were mid-winter already. Sasuke closed his eyes. Salt filled his lungs. He wished he could plunge into the icy waters, but he knew Itachi wouldn’t let him. Instead he leaned on his brother. _I never thought I’d see this place again. This beach where we spent every summer growing up…_

For a while they just watched the sky darken together. They entertained separate thoughts in separate heads, but their spirits were entwined, sharing the same memories and grieving the same losses.

“Do you know how long it’s been since we last came here?” Sasuke asked at last. 

“I’m not sure,” Itachi responded.

“Eight years.” Itachi nodded.

“I remember now. It’ll be eight years this summer, yes.” Sasuke nodded back.

“Why did you take me here?” Itachi wrapped his arm a little tighter around Sasuke. 

“I wanted to have this conversation somewhere familiar. It was the only place I could think of where we’d be truly alone.”

Sasuke glanced up at him. He still stared out over the sea, the waves reflected in his eyes. He looked terribly, terribly sad. Even the smile at the edges of his lips was sorrowful. Sasuke looked away, staring at the sea himself. _He isn’t going to lie to me today,_ he thought. _I should be happy, but instead, I’m preparing for him to devastate me…_

In the silent moments that followed- save for the howling of the wind- Itachi took a few different breaths that seemed like preparations to speak, but he never did. Sasuke swallowed.

“Would it be easier for you if I ask?” he offered. Itachi nodded, allowing Sasuke to shift away and face him. “Who were those people last night? What’s with the masks?” Itachi sighed.

“They're called ANBU. They wear the masks to protect their identities from non-members.” Sasuke furrowed his brows. 

“So you’re not a member?” Itachi shook his head. “So you _are_ a member.” Itachi nodded. “Then why were they wearing masks?”

“They put them on when you walked in. We… I hadn’t expected you to be back so soon. They were supposed to have been gone by the time you arrived.” _Okay, that makes sense. I’m not a member, so they wouldn’t want me to know. And Itachi wearing a mask would have been really weird…_

“What does ANBU do?”

“They’re moles.” Sasuke’s eyes widened. “Their operatives infiltrate gangs and underground groups, gather information undercover, and take them down from the inside.” 

“And you’re trying to destroy Akatsuki.” 

Itachi didn’t answer. It was obvious enough, after all.

“How long?” Sasuke asked. He took a few deep breaths.

“The whole time. Since… since our parents…” Sasuke nodded, excusing him from having to finish that sentence. He cleared his throat a little. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to put you in even more danger. ANBU are a different animal. They’re the only thing I worked harder to keep you away from than Akatsuki.”

“Why?”

“They’re a government-contracted organization. They can be called to do more than take down domestic gangs. They can go international. They can be hired as mercenaries. They can be sent off to war.” Sasuke’s heart pounded louder than the wind howled. 

“So all those times, when I didn’t see you for a few days…” Itachi nodded. Sasuke felt as if he’d been gutted, wrapping his arms around himself as if to keep them in. “Why?” he asked at last. “Why would you…?” Itachi smiled so bitterly, it made Sasuke want to rip his own hair out.

“For you. To keep you safe and fed.” 

“But there are other ways-!”

“It was the way I chose."

He shifted, resting his elbow on his knee.

“When Mom and Dad passed, I was devastated. You were…” He shook his head. “I’ve never seen a kid in such bad shape. I’m glad you don’t remember those first few months. I was constantly working, you were going to hours of counseling and trying all sorts of medications and… there wasn’t a whole lot of money, even with all my hours. I was sinking in our parents’ debts, and I was paying them off with new debts of my own. We were gonna lose the house. They would have sent you to foster care…” His voice broke. He swallowed, cleared his throat, and continued. “The ANBU recruiters had been after me for years by then. They knocked on our door and offered money and housing and healthcare and… everything I could possibly need to raise you. They even wrote up an individual contract with me to ensure your safety and that if anything happened to me you’d still be taken care of. If I died today you’d be able to finish out the school year and put yourself through college or trade school or put a down payment on a house or travel the world…” He shook his head. “I couldn’t pass it up. I would never have been able to give you all of that.” He finally made eye contact with Sasuke again. “I need you to know I did what I did with your best interests at heart.”

Sasuke shook his head. His thoughts moved a mile a minute.

“So… all that time… you were just… acting?” Itachi blinked, processing the question with mild confusion.

“Well, yes. And no.” He huffed at himself. “It’s complicated, Sasuke. I’ve been undercover for nearly eight years. To sell it, I have to live like the gang members do. We were given a run-down apartment because that’s what matched my cover story. But I always made sure there was food on the table and that your medications were refilled and I tried to keep you out of it all, I swear to you I did. Not just as a concerned older brother who didn’t want you to make the same mistakes I did, but also to keep you out of the crossfire when ANBU finally deals the deathblow. If you were firmly on either side, you would have been hurt.” His expression darkened. “If I’d known what Orochimaru was doing sooner, though, I would have-”

“No, Itachi, don’t.” Sasuke swallowed now, too. “I don’t wanna have that conversation. It’s over, he’s dead. No more. Please.”

Itachi nodded, reigning himself back in.

“I wanted to tell you Sasuke, I really did. But I was afraid it’d just put you in more danger. I felt terrible every time I lied to you, every day living a life that wasn’t… _real_. But my desire to protect you, that was always real. I never wanted you to get hurt and my deepest regret in this life is that you did. It’s something I’ll never forgive myself for, and it’s something I never expect you to forgive me for, either. I just need you to know that everything I’ve done, I’ve done because I love you. And I'm sorry my choices caused you pain.”

Sasuke joined Itachi in looking back over the ocean. Neither commented on the fact that they were both crying.

“I love you, too.”

It was starting to get dark, and the cold was biting rather than nipping, but Sasuke had more questions, and he had a feeling that if he didn’t ask them now, he’d never get the answers.

“Why are you telling me all this now?” he asked. “Why didn’t you just make something up?”

“You’re old enough now to know the truth. I’ve been thinking of it for a long while now. You’re smart, you’re observant. You do well in school and you know how to live in this fucked up world. Watching you fight Crow so easily, I finally saw that you could hold your own, too. You can take care of yourself. You’re strong enough now that you don’t need to turn to Akatsuki or ANBU to get by. You can forge your own path.” His smile now was… wistful. Sad, but hopeful. “I won’t always be around to protect you. That thought used to scare me more than anything else. But I’m taking everything that happened yesterday as a sign. It happened now because you needed to know now. You’re about to make choices that will pave the way for your adulthood. I want you to be informed, I want you to know what’s out there, and I want you to be able to choose something different than I did.” He sighed. It was the same tired sigh from the night before, when Sasuke could do nothing but lay on the bathroom floor. It seemed like so long ago now. “You don’t want this life, Sasuke. It’s cruel and it hurts, and as rough around the edges as you are, you’re truly a sweet boy at heart. Promise, Sasuke, that you won’t follow my footsteps.”

Sasuke only made eye contact for a moment before he pressed his forehead to Itachi’s.

“I promise you, I’ll follow my own path.”

“No Akatsuki. No ANBU.”

“I reject them both.”

“Nothing resembling either of them.”

“You don’t have to be that specific with me.”

“I want my wishes to be known.”

“Okay. I promise, nothing like them either.”

They pulled apart. Itachi patted Sasuke’s shoulder intentionally hard. Sasuke pushed him with a playful smirk. Things settled for a moment, until Itachi’s face grew serious again. He started taking off his jacket.

“Nii-san, what are you doing? You wanna freeze to death or something?”

“No.” When he realized he couldn’t pull the sleeve of his sweater all the way up, he rolled his eyes and took that off, too, leaving him in just a white undershirt. He shivered, cuffing the sleeve to reveal a tattoo Sasuke had never seen before.

“When did you get that?!” he cried, smacking Itachi’s other arm. “You said I couldn’t get a tattoo til I was thirty!”

“It’s an ANBU tattoo!” he defended, thumping Sasuke’s head. 

“Ow!”

“And I didn’t want it, it was part of my recruitment!” 

Sasuke pouted, rubbing at the injury. 

“Your friends drug me, you make me drink Gatorade, then you thump my head. You really _are_ the worst brother.”

“Oh, shove it,” he said, knocking Sasuke over. Sasuke dove at him, and for a minute they rough-housed before Itachi pulled Sasuke off and turned to him, all seriousness again. “Now listen closely. If you see anyone with this tattoo,” he said, pointing to his own, “you run. Make up any excuse you can to get outta there. Be extra careful that no one is following you. And if anyone approaches you claiming to be an ANBU on my behalf, don’t let them do or say anything until they show you their mark. Okay?” Sasuke nodded, burning the swirly symbol into his memory, tracing the pattern on his own palm. Itachi shivered again, putting his sweater and jacket back on.

“How do I know it’s legit?” Sasuke asked.

“They’re always done on the left shoulder. They used to have it on the left for men and the right for women, but they changed it a long time ago so don’t be fooled. The only approved colors are black or red. They can only be done by certified tattooists when one is recruited. It’s a federal crime for regular tattoo artists to recreate this symbol on anyone else’s body or cover it with another design, and it’s illegal to get it lasered off or altered in any other way.” Itachi pressed the spot over his clothes. “It’s a mark for life.”

Sasuke nodded, shivering not at the cold, but at the horrifying implications of branding people like that. _It’s best not to think of it…_

It was too cold to stay much longer. Itachi folded their blanket and they trudged back up the dunes to the car. They talked about lighter things the whole way home and sang along- very poorly, in Itachi’s case- to the radio. They stopped back at the same gas station for sandwiches and _more goddamn Gatorade, for fuck’s sake Itachi, I’m_ _fine_ and when they entered the city limits again they both breathed a sigh of relief. It was dangerous and dirty and an altogether unpleasant place to be, but it was home. Itachi showered as soon as they got in while Sasuke savored the scent of the beach still on his clothes. He drank orange juice straight from the carton and got yelled at when Itachi caught him. He showered and yelled at Itachi for leaving hair in the drain. They stayed up late watching TV. Sasuke tucked Itachi in when he fell asleep, reversing their roles. He padded off to bed feeling surprisingly light. The truth was out, and Itachi trusted him to protect himself, and he saw the beach he never thought he’d see again, and it was the most normal day they’d spent together in years despite the wrongness of everything surrounding it. 

Still, when he laid down and tried to sleep, an anxiety ate at the back of his mind. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was coming still. Something he couldn’t name, but he could taste it like a storm on the horizon. It made him feel uneasy.

He didn’t sleep well.


	4. The Gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tws for gunshot, panic attack, PTSD stuff, implied past abuse
> 
> sorry i made kakashi kind of a dick in this fic 😬 i promise he gets a lil better

It was two weeks since his and Itachi’s little excursion. They had settled quickly back into their version of normal: speaking in code, burning their notes, and running into each other mostly in the early morning hours when Sasuke was dragging himself out of bed and Itachi was flopping into it. Sasuke went back to school and caught up on what he’d missed, he fended off the girls’ (mostly Sakura’s) attempts to coddle him, and tolerated Naruto’s complaining about “being abandoned” as if one school day without him was the end of the world. He went to rehearsals and did his homework. It was all incredibly mundane.

But still, that gnawing sense of danger wouldn’t go away.

They were starting to introduce props. Sasuke watched his castmates whack each other with the hard rubber knives, rolling his eyes. They didn’t know how to hold them right. Sasuke wasn’t about to teach them, though- that was Kakashi’s job. Who, by the way, looked ready to blow his own brains out trying to get these kids to cooperate. _Serves him right,_ Sasuke thought. _He came in thinking it’d be easy and treated us like children from the get-go. Now he’s realizing we’re not little kids. We have thoughts and feelings and free will and by god we’ll fuckin’ exercise it…_ Sasuke watched, mildly amused, as Kakashi once again broke up a rogue knife fight.

“For fuck’s sake, you’re in the same gang!” he cried exasperatedly, pulling Naruto and Kiba apart.

“But it’s fun, Kakashi!” 

He just sighed, leaving Kiba where he was and depositing Naruto on the other side of the stage. He’d given up correcting them when they said Kakashi instead of Mr. Hatake. It was fun watching a group of rowdy teenagers break down the composure of a grown man week by week: a true look into the fragility of the human ego. The way he worked with his professional, adult casts simply wasn’t working here, and rather than adapt, Kakashi dug in his heels and embarked on the rapid decline to Burnout Land. Sasuke could tell he was looking forward to winter break more than any of the kids were.

Sasuke was hiding. He’d taken to sitting up on the catwalk no one ever used, gazing down at his castmates below him. He didn’t have the energy to help out with props or sets anymore. As it turned out, battling constant irrational anxiety and paranoia was _really_ exhausting. No one bothered him much, mostly because it involved climbing a ladder, then balancing yourself on the beam and crawling toward him. No one except Naruto. 

Banished for the moment by Kakashi, he climbed up and joined Sasuke from the other side of the stage. Naruto kicked his legs a little instead of letting them dangle.

“You’ve been weird lately. Is everything okay?” Sasuke snorted. _I can’t even_ _begin_ _to tell you how weird I’ve felt…_

“Yeah. Just tired.” It wasn’t a total lie, at least. Naruto nodded.

“Do you wanna come over tonight?” Sasuke rubbed his eye.

“What day is it?”

“Thursday.” He shook his head.

“I can’t. I’m s’posed to be home.”

“Aw, c’mon, ‘Suke. You wanna go home just to sit by yourself?”

“I’d be sitting by myself at your place, too.”

“But I’m actually coming back.”

Sasuke’s jaw twitched. _Don’t say anything, don’t say anything…_

“I think I should go home, Naruto.” And that wasn’t a lie, either. As much as he’d like Naruto’s company, the nagging anxiety was growing stronger just by having this conversation. Last time he had a strong instinct to head home, it had been important. This time was even more intense. He wasn’t going to ignore it, even if it meant another spat with Naruto.

Naruto shifted, his knee brushing Sasuke’s. A little shiver ran up his leg. He knew he should move away, put distance between them again, but he also wanted desperately to lean closer, to rest his head on his shoulder. Naruto’s presence was comforting now that he wasn’t trying to convince him to come home with him. Sasuke felt his cheeks heat up. _Oh, I just_ _had_ _to phrase it like that, huh? God, I really do need to stop spending so much time with him. I’m torturing myself…_

“Y’know you can come over any time you want, right, ‘Suke?” Sasuke rolled his eyes.

“How could I forget? We have this conversation at least once a week.”

“It’s cause I care, y’know!” 

Naruto shoved him a little. Sasuke grabbed the wood plank they were sitting on for dear life, his eyes flashing as he turned toward him.

“Are you fucking crazy?! You want me to fall and break my neck?!”

“Sorry, I forgot how high up we are!”  
“How did you forget?! Don’t you have any sense of danger?!”

“Hey, bitties! Wanna come down and join the rest of us? We’re starting scenes!” Shikamaru called from below. Naruto and Sasuke glared down at him, then at each other. 

“We’re not bitties!” the cried, in stereo. They knew just by the way Shikamaru tilted his head that he was rolling his eyes.

“Then quit bickering like old ladies!”

They groaned, and Naruto followed Sasuke as he crawled back to the ladder. Rather than taking the rungs, Sasuke just let himself drop down, rolling into break the impact.

“Show off!” Naruto called, climbing down hand-over-hand. Sasuke smirked.

“Not my fault you’re too clumsy to do it, too.” Naruto fumed.

“I’m not clumsy, you bastard!” Sasuke snorted.

“I’ve seen you trip on air.”

“BOYS!” Kakashi roared. They both shrank back against the wall, out of Kakashi’s sight in the wings. He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose over his face mask. “Can we just review the dance scene, then start Act II? Please?”

The cast gave a collective nod.

Kakashi came down from the seats, leaving Gai to correct a choreography issue with the dance scene in Act I. He made the effort of going all the way up the steps of the stage and gesturing for Sasuke to come with him. He grimaced. _Oh, the director wants to see me in private? That’s never a good thing..._ Kakashi walked him toward a spot in the auditorium that couldn’t be seen from the stage. _Am I in trouble? What-?_

“You took the safety course, right?” Kakashi asked gravely. It took him a moment to understand the question, but when he did, his heart sank into the put of his stomach. _I miss Kurenai’s willingness to sugarcoat things…_

“Yes.”

“And you still have the original certificate?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Then you’re ready for this.” _I’m really not…_

Kakashi opened a silvery briefcase. Inside was the exact object Sasuke had feared: a gun. He choked down the lump that formed in his throat.

“This is a real revolver. We’re going to use it empty. No blanks, no ammunition of any kind. I’ll keep the key, so you don’t have to worry about losing it. It will live in this case every time you’re not using it.” He took it out and placed it in Sasuke’s hands. He just held it in his palms, unwilling to grab it. His heart was racing. The metal was cold against his skin. _“Don’t ever pick up a gun unless it’s a dire emergency. Guns are instruments of death and destruction. They are meant for one task and one task only: killing. Do not_ _ever_ _pick up a gun you don’t intend to use right then and there. Life or death, Sasuke. Only life or death.”_ Itachi’s words through the years ricocheted in Sasuke’s head.

“Kakashi-”

“Kurenai warned me this might be very difficult for you. That’s why I’m introducing it now, so you have plenty of time to get used to it. Okay?”

For a moment, Sasuke coudln’t answer. He was too busy staving off the panic that was clawing its way up through his body. With shaking hands, he grasped the weapon and held it just as he was trained to, pointing it at the floor. He clicked the safety off and opened the chamber. He spun it slowly, around and around, double and triple-checking there was absolutely no ammunition of any sort inside it.

“Sasuke? You okay, bud?” He nodded. He closed the chamber, put the safety on, placed the gun back in the case, and watched carefully as Kakashi closed and locked it. He took note of the key’s size, shape, color, and where on Kakashi’s ring it was located. Just in case. “I need to hear you say whether you’re okay with this or not.”

“I’m not,” he said at last. “But if you’re insisting I point a gun at my best friend, then so be it.”

“A gun with no bullets. No ammo, no blanks, no nothing. It’s the only thing I could get, prop guns are expensive-”  
“You don’t have to justify yourself to me. You’re a grown man. You make the decisions you need to make.”

Sasuke forced himself to look up, forced Kakashi to see the distress and hurt in his eyes.

“I just want to make it clear that I’m not comfortable with this. I think this is a bad decision. But I want to graduate, and going through with this program will make that happen, so I’ll do what you say. Just…” He struggled to find his voice, holding his breath to keep from hyperventilating.

“What, Sasuke?”  
“You and I are the only ones with access to this, right?” 

“Right.”  
“And everyone else’s weapons are fake, right?”

“Right. The brass knuckles are plastic, the knives are hard rubber. You’re the only one with a gun.” Sasuke nodded, swallowing a little. _I need to get it together. I knew this day was coming. I have to get used to it…_ “I want you to know, Sasuke, I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m helping you to-”  
“Overcome my fear? Face the thing that threatens me most?” he finished. His tone hinted at a challenge; his eyes guaranteed it. “Thanks. That’s exactly what I need.”

Kakashi didn’t argue with him. He just took the case up onto the stage, planting it behind a fake couch Sasuke himself had built, not realizing the hook in the back was for the gun. Sasuke tore his gaze away, stomping up the stairs with the boots he still refused to take off and leaning against the back wall. Nobody noticed Kakashi planting the gun there, which made Sasuke even more nervous. His pulse was erratic and he felt nauseous. He couldn’t even make up an excuse to leave; Kakashi would know it’s a lie. He felt as if he weren’t really there at all as he spoke with Sakura- no, Maria- his anger was false, but crouching by the couch and picking up the gun, turning toward the audience to reveal what it was… that felt real. Excruciatingly, horrifyingly real. _I have to hold onto this until the end of the show…_

He waited in the wings with the gun in his hand. He trembled the whole time. He wanted to cry, but he wouldn’t let himself do that in front of these people. He hated how the metal warmed in his hands, as if it were alive, too.

“Hey, you okay?” Ino whispered. He nodded faintly. She didn’t seem convinced, but she let him be, only glancing back occasionally to make sure he was still keeping it together. By the time the scene he dreaded most came up, he was drenched in sweat. He stood in a shadowy part of the stage. He watched Naruto walk toward Sakura. Sasuke knew he had to raise his arms. They felt leaden, time moving in slow motion as he pointed it at Naruto’s back, took the safety off, cocked it, his finger just barely putting pressure on the trigger-

_BANG_!

Sasuke screamed, dropping the gun, falling in his mad dash to back away from it, scrambling over the floor. His back hit something hard, and he curled in on himself, slamming his hands against his ears. The shot rang in them, over and over. He saw blood, and the way that dark hair becomes matted in it, and amber eyes peering at him lecherously, maliciously. He wanted to scream, but his voice froze in his throat. His eyes disappeared, replaced by the flashing image of his mother and father lying on the floor like bleeding statues- 

He jerked away at the sensation of breath on his neck.

“Go away, go away, go away, go away-!” he pleaded, an endless mantra. How long had he been saying it? He could feel the man’s proximity, and he knew there was a tongue waiting to taste him. He shuddered, shrinking into an even smaller ball, shielding his throat with his arms, still covering his ears and clamping his mouth shut. His chest was so tight, he could hardly breathe. A cold hand brushed his wrist, and he lashed out, his fist connecting with something, and he knew immediately he shouldn’t have. _He’s gonna hurt me and there’s nothing I can do about it, he’s so much bigger and I’ve never outsmarted him and this is it, he’s gonna kill me, I-_ “I’m sorry, don’t touch me, please don’t, I’m sorry-!”

“Sasuke.”

His eyes snapped open. He was not where he thought he’d be. He was on a stage, at the very back, a piece of prop furniture digging into his spine, and Naruto knelt in front of him. His nose was bleeding, but his shirt was still white. _Where’s… the exit wound…?_ He reached up, pressing his palm to Naruto’s heart, not entirely convinced yet that he wasn’t hallucinating. But no, his heart beat defiantly against his hand, strong and loud, just like Naruto himself. He shook his head, trying to work his voice out past the lump in his throat.

“How?” he finally managed. Naruto shook his head, his eyes brimming with concern.

“It wasn’t real. Look.”

He held up his hand too fast, and Sasuke flinched. Naruto looked… _heartbroken_.

“I’m not gonna hit you.” He opened his hand. A small remote hung from his fingers. It only had two buttons, one black and one red. “If I press this button,” Naruto said, tapping at the black one, “it makes the sound.” His fingers brushed over it as he adjusted his grip, and a shot of anxiety pierced Sasuke’s stomach.

“Don’t press it!”

“I’m not gonna press it,” Naruto assured. Sasuke noticed for the first time that he was trembling as Naruto took his hand. “You need to calm down,” he murmured. Sasuke nodded in agreement, but wasn’t entirely sure how. He just stared, wide-eyed, and he shook, and he wished for all the world that he could disappear entirely as he became cognizant of many sets of eyes trained on him, making a cold sweat break out along his hairline. _As if I wasn’t already sweating…_

“Make them stop,” he said softly. Naruto cocked his head questioningly to the side. Sasuke felt his mouth wobble, suddenly holding back tears of shame. He still refused to cry. “They’re… _staring…_ ”

Naruto nodded.

“Gotcha.” He turned his head to the side. “The fuck are you lookin’ at?!” he snapped. Sasuke felt the pressure ease as their gazes flitted away. His chest ached still, but the tight grip of panic was finally fading. He could breathe a little easier. Naruto turned back to him, anger gone, all tenderness and warmth. “Let’s go to the nurse’s office together, okay? It’s quieter there.” Sasuke nodded numbly, letting Naruto help him up to his feet. He swayed, the world tilting dangerously to the side. Naruto had a firm grip on his arm, though, keeping him upright. “It’s okay. I gotcha.” Sasuke nodded, blinking away spots. He held onto Naruto’s elbow as he led them both between the curtains and through the swarm of students still in the wings. They parted to let them through. Sasuke suddenly took great interest in their shoes, unable and unwilling to look up at the expressions he knew they’d be wearing: pity, disgust, judgment. _I don’t want any of that._ He uncharacteristically held onto the railing to go down the stairs, still feeling a little unsteady. They only paused for a moment. “We’re goin’ to the nurse!” Naruto barked up at Kakashi. It sounded like a challenge. Their teacher simply shrugged, turning his attention back to the rest of the cast. “Tch. What a dick,” he grumbled, leading Sasuke out the side door.

The nurse’s office was just down the hall. Naruto didn’t even knock as he entered.

“Granny!” he called loudly. “Come fix my face!” Sasuke heard a groan in the back.

“What’d you do now, brat?” Tsunade emerged from the supply closet, her heels clicking along the tiles as she came to investigate. Naruto sat Sasuke on the edge of the nearest bed. “Again, you stupid punk?! Who hit you this time?!” Naruto shrugged.

“Not important, Granny, just fix it for me! Please?” he added. She grimaced. 

“Fine, but stop fighting!” Naruto grinned brightly.

“I promise nothing!”

She smacked his ass with the clipboard as they passed each other, and he giggled.

“What a pain.” She stopped in front of Sasuke. “What’s wrong with you?” He blinked up at her. _Her eyes…_ A chill ran down his back. _I never noticed before. They’re almost the same color as his…_ “Well? Spit it out, Uchiha. You’re never here willingly, so I’m assuming you’ve got a good reason.” He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out, so he just closed it again. _I’m completely clamming up…_ Tsunade rolled her eyes, pulling the curtain back, revealing Naruto on the other side. He was sitting on his own bed, swinging his feet childishly over the edge. “The hell’s the matter with him?”

“Kakashi gave him a panic attack. He just needs to sit somewhere quiet for a bit.” She narrowed her eyes.

“Elaborate. _Now_ , brat.”

“D-don’t.” Nobody heard Sasuke’s weak attempt at a veto.

“Sasuke’s super afraid of guns. He got his prop gun today and I don’t think Kakashi warned him that there’d be a gunshot sound. He _freaked_.”

Sasuke buried his face in his hands. His cheeks burned. _Dear God, if you really exist, do me a favor and strike me down now…_ Instead Tsunade tapped her nail against his forehead, making him look up again. He focused on everything but her eyes and breasts- nose, ears, lips, hair, _anything_ to keep himself from further embarrassment.

“Want some water?” He nodded, letting his gaze drop back into his lap. He listened to her shuffle around.

“What about me, Granny?”

“You hush.” She pushed a paper cup into Sasuke’s hand. He wasn’t sure his “thanks” was even audible. He drank in little sips, rubbing his thumb along the seam of the cup. Tsunade pulled the curtain between them, but he could still hear them both clear as day, obviously. He glanced to his right and pulled that curtain closed, too, making himself a thin little stall. He cried in silence while Tsunade and Naruto bickered. He wasn’t upset anymore, really, but he knew if he didn’t do it now it would just happen unexpectedly later. He needed to start over.

By the time Naruto whipped the curtain back, he had already dried his tears and finished his water, laying down on his side and staring blankly. He was exhausted, but he couldn’t sleep here. It was too bright, too exposed, too sterile. _Plus, I have a feeling Naruto won’t let me leave here today without a serious discussion with Kakashi…_ Naruto smiled softly.

“How you feelin’?” Sasuke shrugged. Tsunade had slapped a bandage over the bridge of Naruto’s nose, and he pressed an ice pack to it now.

“Sorry I punched you,” he mumbled.

“Like it’s the first time,” he said affectionately, rolling his eyes. Sasuke wasn’t amused. Naruto’s face grew a little more serious. “It’s okay, bastard. I know you didn’t mean to.” Sasuke just nodded. “We can stay here as long as you want,” he offered. Sasuke nodded. “Are you gonna be okay?” He nodded again. “Alright.”

He didn’t seem entirely convinced as he moved the curtain between them again. Sasuke stared at it just like before, blankly. Numbness. It permeated everything. He successfully shoved his feelings to the very bottom of the seemingly endless well within him. He didn’t _want_ to feel anything anymore. It was only when he started getting cold that he sat up again, wiggling the curtain. Naruto drew it back.

“Ready?” Sasuke nodded. Naruto jumped down eagerly, and Sasuke suppressed a snort. _He’s probably been bored to death this whole time…_ “Thanks Granny! See ya soon!”

“I don’t wanna see you for the rest of the school year,” she said, barely looking up from her paperwork. Naruto laughed, leaving the ice pack in the sink and confiscating Sasuke’s cup to throw it in the trash. He disguised his leading hand between Sasuke’s shoulders as a friendly pat. Normally Sasuke wouldn’t let him, but today… he let Naruto steer him around. The more thinking he could delegate to someone else, the better. 

“So, Sasuke, want me to beat up Kakashi for you?” He shook his head. “Want me to talk to him for you?”

“I’ll talk to him myself.”

They separated with just a reassuring squeeze of his shoulder by Naruto, who headed up the steps to the stage. Sasuke turned away and took the step up rows and rows of seats until he reached the middle, where Kakashi was watching Gai work with the kids and enjoying the heat from the vent above him. He only looked away when Sasuke was two seats away from him- as close as he was willing to get without knowing if Kakashi also had a remote control for the gunshot noise.

“You over yourself?” he asked dispassionately. Sasuke’s jaw ticked.

“I need you to warn me next time there’s gonna be a noise like that.”

“There’s only one gunshot in the whole show.” Sasuke inhaled, exhaled, evenly and more importantly, _even-temperedly_.

“I’m aware of that,” he stated carefully. “But I was not aware we would be using sound effects immediately. You usually wait until a prop has been out for two or three rehearsals before you add sound effects in.” Kakashi shrugged, glancing away as Gai called out something to Tenten.

“I figured you’d know to expect it, considering you went through the gun safety course and had to spend time at a range. I thought if you could get through that, you could get through this. And that you weren’t as stupid as some of the other brats. Guess I was wrong.” 

Sasuke ground his teeth. _Patience._

“I’m not stupid, I’m traumatized,” he corrected, even though saying those words out loud was like a punch to the gut. It regained Kakashi’s undivided attention, at least. Sasuke’s eyes held emotion now, he knew that, and they bored intensely into Kakashi. It was the look that unnerved everyone Sasuke had ever met, and he could tell by the way Kakashi squared his shoulders he was unnerved, too. _Good. You deserve it for what you made me feel._ “I’m not sure what Kurenai told you, but this is beyond healthy caution or simple fear. I was able to make it through the training course because I spent a week hyping myself up to go, knowing there would be noises at the gun range and that those might-” He paused to grit his teeth. “ _-trigger_ me. I had nightmares for a month and a half afterward.” He pointed to the stage, buying himself a moment to breath. “I had no warning for this. I had no way to prepare, I thought-” He swallowed thickly. “I thought I killed him,” he admitted, pushing down an emotion that simmered hot beneath his skin. “Look, it’s hard enough just to point the damn thing at him. All I’m asking you to do is warn me if there’s gonna be a sound. That’s it.” Kakashi nodded.

“I can do that.”

Sasuke blinked. He hadn’t expected that to go down so easily. Kakashi wasn’t looking at him anymore, but he didn’t seem to really be seeing the stage in front of him either. 

“We won’t work that part again today. Take as much time as you need.” Sasuke side-eyed him, unsure if he was being serious or not. Kakashi turned back to him now. “You’re not the only traumatized one around here. I get it.” He made a shooing gesture. “Now go, I need to concentrate.” Sasuke, caught off guard, bowed a little before making a hasty retreat. He met Naruto on the stage, fluidly joining the dance lesson.

“How’d it go?” he asked.

“Shockingly well.”

That was the last they spoke of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise all the angst is for a reason (spoiler: it's to set the stage for even more angst). next chapter hopefully later this week?? idk


	5. The Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mental health issues, kidnapping, blood, violence, death

Sasuke was not surprised that he was called down to Iruka’s office the next morning, but he was still pissed about it.

They sat across from each other. Sasuke swiped his gaze back and forth over the scar that spanned nearly the whole length of Iruka’s face, from just under his left eye, across his nose, to just beneath the right. It was rude, sure, but the man was far from paying attention at the current moment. He was filling out paperwork, which Sasuke didn’t really understand because they hadn’t done anything yet.

“So, Sasuke. How are things?”  
“Life is a series of agonies and the flesh is but a temporary prison for my portion of the collective unconscious,” he deadpanned. “Just cut to the chase so I can go.” 

Iruka gave him a pointed look not unlike some of Itachi’s, but dropped the subject. They’d known each other long enough at this point to establish beating around the bush would get them both nowhere.

“I know what happened at rehearsal yesterday. Would you like to talk about it?”

“No, but I’d like to talk to Kakashi and Tsunade about why being a narc isn’t cool.”

“Sasuke, please-”  
“Whattya want me to say, Iruka? We’ve gone over this so many times. If it sounds like a gun and I’m not ready for it, I’m gonna freak out. That’s just how things are.”

“If you wanted to work with me, Sasuke, I could refer you to-”

“I don’t want another fuck-damn therapist, Iruka,” he interrupted. “I just wanna get the fuck outta here. That’s it. That’s all I want.” _I only see you to begin with because my brother insists…_

Iruka sighed. Sasuke was probably the most uncooperative patient he’d ever had, and he knew it. Sasuke felt bad about it sometimes; he knew the man was just trying to help. But Sasuke didn’t want the constant meddling into his psychological affairs, he didn’t want someone trying to pry things out of his head he didn’t want to see. Some things were better left alone.

“Things won’t magically get better on their own, Sasuke. If you really want to start recovering, then you need to accept help.”

“I don’t want help. I want to graduate. I’m in the program to graduate. Why is just warning me about a noise so difficult?”

“I-It’s not, and you should never feel bad about asking for accommodations, but-”

“No, hold on. Have I ever asked anyone for anything?” Iruka sighed heavily, rubbing at his scar.

“No, you haven’t.”

“Okay. So consider this the one time I’m actually asking for something.”

They held eye contact for a moment.

“I’ll see to it Kakashi understands the severity of your reaction and warns you about the sound. But I still think you should see a trauma counselor.” Sasuke rolled his eyes, pocketing two lollipops from the jar on Iruka’s desk as he stood.

“Ep! Not yet!” Sasuke groaned, plopping back down in the chair. “You look terrible, Sasuke. Are you sleeping?”

“Not any less than usual.” _Except last night, I didn’t sleep at all…_

“Are you eating?”

“As much as usual.”

“Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself or others-”

“Yeah, you specifically if you don’t let me go.” 

The look Iruka gave him now was the exact same exasperation as Itachi. _Must be a face you learn to make when you’re charged with the care of teenagers…_

“Can you take this seriously just this once?”

“Sorry, no can do. My bullshit quota’s filled for the month.”

“It’s December seventh.”

“Exactly.” Iruka sighed again, rubbed at both eyes with the entirety of his palms.

“Are you taking your medications? You have several, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I’m taking them.”

Iruka flipped through Sasuke’s file, reading the list of medications.

“Has anything changed?” He handed it to Sasuke. He skimmed it and passed it back.

“No, that’s right.”

“And you’re taking all of it?”

“ _Yes_ , Iruka. Christ.”

“Don’t get snippy with me, young man.”

“But this is ridiculous! You’d know if I wasn’t taking them. I wouldn’t be eating or sleeping at all, I’d be having panic attacks between classes if I wasn’t skipping them altogether. _I’m fine_.”

“So you’re okay with the bare minimum?” Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

“Don’t.” Iruka’s gaze was challenging. Sasuke’s jaw ticked.  
“You have to start thinking long-term, Sasuke. You’ve made a lot of progress over the years and you should be proud of that, of course. But you could also be doing so much better. Why hold yourself back? Why simply live through each day when you could _enjoy_ it?”

Sasuke looked away, fiddling with the chain hanging from his belt loop.

“You’re a good boy, Sasuke. You have so much potential. Why not let someone help you achieve your fullest?” 

“I’m just not ready, Iruka,” he said. It made the man’s shoulders droop. Sasuke couldn’t look him in the eye, knowing he’d see a paternal care in them. It would break his resolve. “To move on, I have to open a Pandora’s box inside me. I’m not ready for it. I just wanna get done with school first.” Iruka nodded. Sasuke heard more than saw it.

“I’m not trying to force you, Sasuke. I can accept that you’re not ready. But…” 

He glanced up at the sound of Iruka digging into his pocket. He pulled out a business card. 

“Here. Whenever you’re ready for it, even if it’s after graduation, call this place. Tell them I sent you, and that you need a trauma counselor. You’ll get a spot. If you have any problems, call my personal number on the back.” Sasuke took the card between his fingers, flipping it over to read Iruka’s handwritten phone number. Sasuke shook his head.

“Why are you giving me this?” Iruka raised a brow.

“Because my commitment to my students doesn’t end when they graduate. I’m determined for you to get the kind of help you need, even if it’s not me who can provide it.”

Sasuke tucked the card into his wallet, committing Iruka’s phone number to memory without really wanting to; sequences of numbers always stuck well in his head, almost photographically. _I suppose it’s good to have in mind anyway. If f I’m ever in crisis, I might not think to pull out the card and call the counseling center, but if I know Iruka’s number then at least I’ll have somewhere to turn…_ Iruka held out a book and colored pencils, breaking his train of thought.

“I know you don’t wanna go back to class, so just play with this until the period ends.” Sasuke snorted.

“What am I, five?” He took them all the same, though, flipping to an uncolored page. It depicted a fox and a crow, seemingly playing with each other. Sasuke smiled warmly at it when Iruka wasn’t looking, choosing his colors carefully. _They remind me of Naruto and Itachi. That’s probably strange, since Naruto’s favorite animals are frogs and Itachi’s name means “weasel”, plus his codename literally being Weasel, but… Naruto has that mischievous, knowing quality that always reminds me of foxes. The way he laughs sometimes is like a fox’s chittering. And Itachi, he’s so smart, and protective. Crows learn the faces of those that did them wrong, and teach their kin to avoid or attack that person. They learn from mistakes-_

“I’m proud of you, by the way.”

Sasuke blinked up at Iruka. A soft smile played on his lips.

“You stood up for yourself without aggression. That’s a huge improvement, wouldn’t you say?” Sasuke shrugged.

“I was still angry.”

“You’re allowed to be angry, Sasuke. You’re always entitled to your feelings.” He resisted rolling his eyes. _He always says that. It’s getting old…_ “But you approached Kakashi rationally and told him exactly what you needed. It’s hard for you to be so straightforward without losing your temper, isn’t it?” Sasuke nodded.

“It was hard,” he agreed quietly, focusing again on the coloring book.

“I’m proud of you. You should be proud of yourself, too.” He paused, then added, “And I’m glad you let Naruto help you. It’s good to be able to lean on your friends once in a while.” _Friend_ , Sasuke corrected internally. Outwardly, he just nodded with an impassive expression. Iruka turned his attention back to the papers on his desk. Sasuke kept his gaze locked on the coloring book, diligently shading the crow’s feathers with hints of blue, purple, and green to create the illusion of iridescence.

Sasuke finished a few minutes before the period ended, enjoying the relative quiet of Iruka’s cozy office. He almost didn’t want to leave.

“Can I take this?” he asked. Iruka rubbed his eyes as he looked up. 

“Sure, if the other side doesn’t have a name.” Sasuke checked. The other side wasn’t even colored. He scribbled a hasty signature in blue pencil, then carefully tore the page out. He slipped it into one of the folders he needed to bring home that night. _I have no idea what I’m going to do with that, but I like it…_ Iruka smacked his hands as he attempted to sneak more candy. Sasuke snickered.

“See you Monday, Sasuke.” He groaned, making Iruka smirk fondly.

“See ya then,” he agreed reluctantly, waving as he left.

He had a few minutes to himself. He wandered upstairs. _Good thing he only pulled me out for the lecture portion of Physics. I need to be in the lab portion…_ He went the long way around, and realized he was going to pass Naruto’s chemistry class. He checked his watch. _Only a minute left in the period, huh…?_

He loitered outside, unwrapping one of the lollipops. He wasn’t one for sweets, but sour apple was an exception. It made his mouth pucker a little. It reminded him that he was hungry- he never ate breakfast- and he thought he should stop by the cafeteria after Physics, on the way to English. The bell rang, and the door opened. He waited for Naruto to emerge, catching him by the elbow. He squawked in surprise, startling Kiba beside him. 

“The hell are you doin’ here, bastard?” he asked, genuinely curious. Sasuke shrugged.

“Just came back from Iruka’s, and my classroom’s nearby.” He dug in his pocket for the other lollipop. “Here,” he said, curling Naruto’s hand around it.

“What’s this for?”

“Consider it a thank you for yesterday.”

“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day,” Kiba piped up. “Sasuke’s being _nice_ , Naruto.”

“Yeah, he is.”

Sasuke knew this time he wasn’t imagining that Naruto’s smile was meant just for him. He ignored the blush rising to his cheeks.

“Oh hey, it’s blue raspberry!” he cried.

“It’s your favorite, right?”

“Yeah! Thanks, Sasuke!” He simply bumped his fist against Naruto’s arm.

“I gotta go to Physics. See ya later.”

“Okay, see ya!” He tilted his head at Kiba in silent farewell. He returned the gesture, looking a little mystified by the whole interaction.

Sasuke wouldn’t admit that the faintest smile played on his lips as he sat in the back of his Physics classroom, scribbling down the notes he’d missed from the board while his classmates took a break between classes.

___

Kakashi took possession of the remote control for the gunshot sound. Sasuke wasn’t sure how much he trusted that. _I’d rather Naruto has it._ He didn’t fight, though, because Kakashi declared they were holding off on the noise for a while. “Until Sasuke gets used to handling the prop,” he’d said, without a hint of judgment and much to Sasuke’s surprise. 

He stood in the wings, holding the gun. It warmed in his hands just like last time. He was shaking a little. He wished Naruto could distract him, but he was still busy trying to nail down his scenes and workshopping Act II’s music with Sakura.

He felt more than saw Hinata sidle up next to him. His gaze was trained on the stage, memorizing as usual to keep the rising panic down. 

“Is it that scary to hold a gun?” she aske, noticing how he trembled.

“It is for me.” _Why is she talking to me? We’ve never really spoken before. She’s one of the few I can rely on leaving me alone. Why now?_

“Did something happen?” Goosebumps prickled along his arms.

“Yes. I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, very clearly, so there could be no mistaking what he’d said. _At least she’s finally grown out of that stutter, for the most part…_ She nodded.

“I understand. Could I ask you one more thing, though?” He just shrugged a little. “How does it work?”

He raised a brow. She shuffled awkwardly as he met her gaze, looking down at her wringing hands.

“I’ve b-been thinking about getting one. F-for protection.” He nodded. 

“This is the safety. Right now it’s on, which prevents the weapon from discharging.” He clicked it off. “Now it’s off, so you could fire if you wanted.” He opened the chamber, showing her how it spun. “The ammo goes in here. Then you click it back in. I like to click this,” he said, tapping at the lever that made the chamber spin, “before I fire, but you could just fire it. The trigger is down here.” He set the safety back on, glad that she’d asked so he could check it for bullets again without looking insane. “This is just how a revolver works, though. There are other types of small guns that work differently. I’d ask the clerk at the gun shop what options might be good for you as a self-defense weapon.”

She nodded, looking genuinely interested.

“Thank you, Sasuke. You make it seem… not scary.” He shrugged.

“For the average person, getting used to a gun isn’t so bad. I just have… hang-ups.” She nodded again, and offered a soft smile.

“Thank you again. I feel more informed now.” She glanced up suddenly. “Your cue is coming up. Get ready.”

He nodded, slipping past her and toward the shadowed part of the stage. _Kakashi promised no noise. All I have to do is hold it up and pretend it’s a toy gun that I’m pointing at him. A gun without bullets isn’t any more dangerous than a toy after all, right?_ He sighed a little. _Who am I kidding? I can’t convince myself to not be afraid. It’s going to take weeks of practice for me to be even close to okay with this…_

He watched Naruto run toward Sakura. Sasuke raised his arms. His heart was beating in his throat, in his temples, making sweat pour down his face. Time went in slow motion again. _Breathe._ He willed his shaking fingers to undo the safety and cock it. He tracked Naruto’s back with the muzzle. _No more dangerous than a toy. No bullets. He can’t get hurt…_

He fired, his eyes squeezing shut, tense. There was no noise. Naruto fell on command, and this time it looked as fake as it was. He might have even exaggerated it intentionally, for Sasuke’s sake, because it had looked _far_ more realistic last time. Sasuke used the time he had to breathe, resisting the urge to press his palm to his chest.

He stepped into the light, turning toward Sakura and Naruto. He laid as limp as he could in her arms, but Sasuke could still see the gentle expansion and contraction of his ribs. Sakura screamed and cried and carried on as hoodlums and officers appeared, too. She lunged at Sasuke, grabbing the gun. His heart hammered in his chest as she ripped it away from him. _You don’t know how to use that thing!_

It was a good thing his character was meant to look frightened, because Sasuke himself sure was.

She waved the weapon around crazily, pointing it at nearly everyone onstage with her, including Sasuke. It probably should have been unsettling to have a gun pointed at him, but he was far more afraid of her accidentally shooting someone else. _But she can’t, because there’s no bullets and I put the safety on before she took it. It’s as dangerous as a toy,_ he reminded himself. And again as she dropped it on the ground, letting it clatter away. And again as it laid on the stage while Kakashi stopped them. The scene was supposed to end in a procession carrying Naruto- Tony’s- body away, symbolically ending the feud between the Jets and the Sharks. Kakashi hadn’t decided if that was actually how he wanted to play it or not, though. 

He’d finally gotten ahold of some university students to do lighting and sound. They had been idle since they worked the Act I dance scene earlier, but now he called to them, giving instructions. Sasuke picked up the gun and shoved it in his waistband, hiding it under his shirt, before anyone else had the bright idea to play with it and give him a coronary. Naruto sat up, talking with Sakura on the floor. Sasuke sat a few feet away, closing his eyes so the constant flickering and flashing of lights wouldn’t give him a headache.

After what felt like several eternities, Kakashi finally let the lights go back to their usual setting and gave instructions to his own students.

“I wanna run it again from the shooting. Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke, I want you three to be the only ones on the stage. Everyone else go to the wings and stay quiet!”

Sasuke sighed, getting up and pulling the gun out again. The lights shifted. The shadows were darker than before, Naruto and Sakura drenched in more light. _No more dangerous than a toy. Pretend it’s a toy…_ Against his body’s instincts, he ignored the thrumming of his pulse, raising his arms again. Sweat dribbled down his neck. He tracked Naruto with the muzzle, clicked the safety off, aimed, fired.

No sound, but the lights changed dramatically to a sharp blue. Sakura and Naruto shared lines, sang a little. Sasuke stepped into the cold blue light with them.

“Ad-lib!” Kakashi called. “Forget the lines and play it like you’re truly crazed, Sakura!” She nodded, closing her eyes, and cleared her throat. When she opened them again, there was a wild look in them.

Her head snapped toward him, and she rose, abandoning Tony’s body.

“Give it to me,” she growled, coming closer. Sasuke raised the gun shakily, trying to think of what Chino would do in this moment, using his very real fear to fuel the scene on his end. “Give it to me!”

She lunged, knocking him backward and wrestling with him for it. 

“Play along and let me take it,” she whispered. He let her. She was straddling him, pointing the gun at his forehead.

“How do I use this, Chino?” she demanded. He didn’t answer. “Do I just press this little trigger?” She slid her finger along it. Her eyes were so sharp, he almost felt them stabbing into him. “Tell me, Chino!”

“I won’t!”

Her face split, anger and grief spilling over in hot tears.

“How many could I kill with this, Chino? All of us?” She choked, pressing the lever that made the chamber spin. _I didn’t get a chance to put the safety back on_ ! “Answer me! Could I kill us all?!” He shook his head, eyes wide. _It’s incredible that she can cry on demand like that. She’s always been a good actress, but this show is bringing out something different in her…_ “We all killed him. Even me. I can kill now, because I HATE NOW!” She placed her other hand on the gun, too, to steady it. “How many, Chino?! How many-” Her voice broke. “-and still have a bullet left for me?” 

She sobbed. They wracked her body, her gun beginning to lower. Sasuke sat up carefully, prying it from her fingers and setting it aside, facing the wall so no one else could get hurt. He did the only thing he could think to do; he wrapped his arms around her, shell-shocked, and stroked her hair. She clung to him, and he to her, and he suddenly wished he could cry on demand, too, because that would really improve this scene if he could just cry a little bit.

“I’m sorry,” he said brokenly. “I’m sorry…”

They stayed like that until the lights faded out completely. They were halfway apart when the lights came back up and Naruto leaped in between them, hugging them both so hard they couldn’t breathe.

“That was incredible!” he said, tears running down his face. “That was so incredible, oh my god!” Sakura laughed, wiping her face.

“You think so?”

“Yes, of course! You were amazing, Sakura! Even you, Sasuke, that was pretty convincing!”

“She gets amazing and I get ‘pretty convincing’?”

“She carried the whole scene!” Naruto argued. “You couldn’t even outshine the gun in acting ability!”

Sasuke smacked him, hard, upside the head.

“OW!” 

“NO! FIGHTING!” Kakashi bellowed. They settled down, glaring at each other. “I agree, though, that was very, _very_ good. Sakura, you were particularly great, incorporating the existing lines in a new way. Fantastic work.” She beamed; it was the most praise she’d ever gotten from Kakashi. “I think once we work it a few times it’ll be perfect. For now, though, circle up! We’re out of time for today.”

Sasuke passed the other students as they came out of the wings, going into them. He slipped into the props closet. The briefcase sat with the key still in it. He placed the gun in, locked it, and brought the key to Kakashi, who was waiting for him outside. He watched Kakashi place it back on his key ring.

“You okay?”

“Been worse,” Sasuke replied gruffly, brushing past him to join the circle. Now that the gun was away, his heartrate finally started to slow back down to something resembling normal. Naruto and Sakura had left an empty space between them for him. He plopped down into it, following along blankly.

He hardly paid attention to Kakashi’s notes, and when it was time to go, he damn near _ran_ out of there. Naruto had to jog to keep up with him, but it didn’t deter him from babbling as usual.

“Damn, Sasuke, you’re really sweaty!” he teased, pointing out the the trickles that seeped down his face. Sasuke grimaced, wiping them away with the sleeve of his jacket. He wished he could take it off, but he knew he’d just end up cold in a minute or two. “For real, though, you and Sakura _nailed_ that! I think that’s exactly the kind of thing Kakashi’s lookin’ for. I can tell he wants it to be really emotional and mature, y’know?” Sasuke nodded along, and he kept doing that even as they wandered through Naruto’s neighborhood and up the stairs to his apartment. He’d changed topics several times by then. “Man, I’m just so worried. What if none of the art schools accept me? What if my portfolio was actually atrocious and everybody was too nice to say something? Would you have told me if it was atrocious?”

“Of course I would have, stu-”

They both stopped dead in their tracks. Three men stood against Naruto’s door. Sasuke’s blood froze in his veins as one turned his head to look down at them, still in the middle of the staircase. He slapped his hand over Naruto’s mouth before he could say anything.

“Naruto,” he whispered, without taking his eyes off the men, eying the red cloud pendants hanging from their necks and the patches sewn into the sleeves of their jackets.

“Mmph-mm?”

“I need you to go to my apartment. Tell my brother Akatsuki has me. Do you remember where I live?” Naruto nodded. He’d only been there one time, when Sasuke was too sick to walk home by himself and Itachi wasn’t around, but he knew every inch of this city. Even if he didn’t know the exact street anymore, he’d be able to find his way. “Good. Now run. Run and don’t look back. I’ll be fine.” 

“But Sasuke-” The men started to move toward them. 

“No time. Run!”

Naruto sprinted back down the stairs. Sasuke held his ground, defiantly walking up to meet them. _If they’re here, then they’re here for me. Naruto doesn’t have to be involved. And if any of them try to go after him..._

“How cute! Sacrificing yourself to save your friend, huh?” said a silver-haired man. He recognized him from Itachi’s description; he was named Hidan, often referred to as “The Immortal Gangster” on account of how many near-death experiences he’d lived through. A tattoo commemorated each one, going up his arms and crawling over his neck. Itachi had warned him to stay far, far away; now he was walking right into whatever bullshit this was.

“Sacrifical love. That’s true art, hm,” added the blonde one leaning against the door, the one Sasuke knew as Blast. A dark-haired man stood there, too, but he remained quiet. Sasuke had no idea who he was, but his eyes were a shade of green so bright they looked almost unnatural.

“Now, Hawk- or shall we say, _Sasuke-_ we’ve heard how feisty you can be. If you fight back, there’s no guarantee we’ll let you live.”

“And think of how crushed your brother would be to lose his only family!” Blast cried. “It would truly be a shame, hm.”

Sasuke itched to dig out his knife, but he knew it was a bad idea. The dark-haired one had a bulge on his hip Sasuke knew belonged to a gun. Blast was best known for explosives and arson; he wouldn’t be surprised if he was packing heat, too. Hidan preferred knives. Big ones. Big enough to destroy the little switchblade in his pocket. _I’m outnumbered… outgunned… and I’m tired from lack of sleep and the adrenaline crash from earlier… I won’t be able to fight my way outta this one._

“How did you find this place?” Hidan folded his arms over his chest.

“Our little friend has been keeping tabs on your stupid ass for years now,” he scoffed. “It’s not like it was hard to find out where blondie lives.”

“Why are you here?”

“Boss’ orders, hm. The easiest way to get to Weasel is through you.”

“Can we just get on with it? I wanna get paid,” the dark-haired one huffed.

“Jesus, Bounty, calm the fuck down.” Hidan turned to Sasuke now. “Are you gonna be a good boy and cooperate, or do we gotta do this the hard way?”

He wanted to fight. He truly did. But he’d be killed in an instant, and if they were intending to use him to lure Itachi, then he’d be far more valuable to them and far more useful to Itachi alive and kicking. _Waiting game. Patience. I’ll figure out how to break out of anything they put me in. Especially if it’s for the sake of protecting Itachi when he comes for me…_ He sighed heavily. _This fucking sucks, though…_

“I’ll go willingly. Just don’t hurt him.” Hidan grinned wickedly. 

“You got yourself a deal, kid.”

Sasuke let Bounty cuff his hands behind his back and haul him over his shoulder. _Surprised they’re not gagging me. Then again, I’m going willingly. They know I’m not gonna scream…_ They took him through an empty apartment and down the fire escape. He was facing backward, unable to see the vehicle they were approaching. He only knew what was happening when Bounty tossed Sasuke into the back way harder than necessary, sending him hurtling into bags full of something hard. He grunted, trying to sit up, but Hidan dove in and grabbed him by the legs. 

“Don’t fight, brat!” Sasuke stilled, glaring intensely as Hidan twisted a chain around his ankles and padlocked it. _Fuck, it’s heavy. Even if I managed to get loose enough to run, it’d weigh me down. And if they really wanted to get rid of me…_ He swallowed. He didn’t want to think of what would happen if they decided to chuck him in the river like this. _I’m more valuable to them alive. I’m bait. If they’re gonna kill me, they’ll wait until Itachi gets there. By then, I should be free…_

Sasuke was flipped suddenly onto his back, someone sitting on his legs while another straddled and blindfolded him. _That’ll definitely make things a little harder…_ He resisted the urge to fight them, to squirm and make a fuss as the fabric was placed over his eyes. _Patience…_

They got off him as soon as the blindfold was on tight, propping him up with his left side against the wall of bags so they could see what he was doing with his hands and feet. _This definitely isn’t their first rodeo…_ He trained his hearing toward the front of the car. Blast was clearly riding shotgun. 

“You left him conscious?” the driver asked.

“He came along willingly. I don’t see a need for it.”

“And he’s smaller than we thought,” Bounty added. “He’d overdose.” _Oh, so they were planning to drug me, too? What is_ _with_ _people lately…?_

“I’m still happy to bash him over the head if you want, Scorpio,” Hidan offered.

“Not necessary. Where is the other one?”

“He got away. We think he was sent to warn Weasel.”

“Even better.”

He heard the sound of a radio dial turning. Suddenly classical music drowned his hearing. He could tell the others complaining, but couldn’t understand what they said. _It’s so fucking loud…!_

“Hey, turn that shit down!” Sasuke complained. _They chose not to gag me and I’m gonna make that their problem…_

“Then stop eavesdropping! I’m still happy to knock your ass out!” Hidan snapped. The volume was lowered by a fraction, just enough that his ears stopped hurting, at least. It still garbled most of the conversations ahead of him. _There’s no way I’ll be able to navigate without being able to see or hear well. It’s probably best if I conserve my energy and try to rest. Who knows how long this ride’ll be, after all…_

He dozed in a semi-conscious state. His body was relaxed, his breathing even, for all intents and purposes asleep. But his mind was still active, listening to the music and snatches of conversation, feeling the jostling of the car, trying to determine what was in the bags by the sound and sensation of the objects inside pressing against the fabric he was leaning on. He didn’t attempt to fully rouse himself until he heard Hidan cry, “Is this little shit _asleep_ right now?!” To which Sasuke easily replied, “Nope.”

“People don’t sleep during kidnappings, Hidan,” Bounty said, exasperated.

“I could have _sworn_ he was asleep just now!”

“Shut up, jackass,” Sasuke and Bounty said in unison. _Well_ _that’s_ _weird._ Sasuke went back to the semi-conscious state, figuring if they hadn’t roughed him up by then that they weren’t going to at all. _I can sorta sleep because I’m confident Itachi will come for me. I just want to have some strength in me to break out and fight when he gets there…_ If he wasn’t tossed forward every time the van stopped, he would have descended a little further into sleep. As it was, though, every time he was about to drop off, they stopped again. 

“Wait, stop here, stop here!”

They screeched to a halt so quickly, Sasuke went tumbling into the center console. 

“Ow!”

“Quit complaining. You’re tougher than that,” Bounty admonished, sitting him back up with a firm grip on his cuffs. He was hauled over his shoulder again as they left the vehicle. Their shoes crunched over gravel. He could smell damp earth and grass. He heard the breeze rattle tree branches overhead. Sasuke could smell the river, too, and for one hair-raising moment he was sure they were going to throw him in. Instead, he heard the metallic screech of a door opening, and their footsteps clacking against concrete. “Here’s the bait,” Bounty said casually, dumping Sasuke onto the floor. He hissed, rolling away and sitting up. He was grabbed roughly by the links connecting his cuffs again, and he heard the sound of chains clanging against each other as he was wrapped in them. _Fuck. There’s no way I’ll be able to get out of all these on my own. If I could just get my hands free, though, I’d be more useful to Itachi…_

“Marvelous job.”

Sasuke’s heart slammed against his chest, as if trying to break his ribs from the inside. _That voice. It can’t be…!_

“Money. Now.”  
“You’ll get paid when the boss gets here. Until then…” He felt a gloved hand tilt his chin up, breath on his face. The blindfold loosened, sliding down to settle around his neck. He blinked, his eyes, adjusting to the light. _Glasses… and platinum blonde hair… motherf_ _ucker_ _…!_ Kabuto grinned. “Long time no see, Sasuke.”

He glanced to the four who had brought him in, as if they would help him. _Don’t leave me alone with this guy,_ he begged in his head. Kabuto forced him to look away, tilting his head toward him. He smiled the same way his master used to. Revulsion made Sasuke’s stomach churn.

“My, Sasuke. How you’ve grown these last few years.” He spit at him. Kabuto’s backhand was sharp, busting his lip against his own teeth. His spit the blood at him, too, defiant and undeterred. “Really, Sasuke? After all these years, this is how you want our reunion to go?” Sasuke narrowed his eyes, wishing with everything in him that he could kill Kabuto with looks alone.

“You fed me to the snake and fled. You’re a coward and I hate you!” Kabuto rolled his eyes.

“Still on about that, huh? Get over it. Holding grudges isn’t an attractive trait.” Sasuke growled under his breath, bloodied teeth bared. “Still as feral as before, then.” Kabuto shook his head, tsking. “It’s a shame, really. Seeing how you are with that little blonde friend of yours, I thought he’d had you domesticated. I guess I was wrong.”

Rage swept boiling hot through his body, spreading from his core outward.

“You fucking _rat_!” He jerked forward, the chains holding him back. “You’re lucky I’m bound or I’d rip your goddamn face off!”

“Is this really the same kid we picked up?” Blast asked aloud, earning a hard smack from Scorpio.

“Idiot.”

Kabuto grabbed Sasuke’s hair and pulled, _hard_. He bit back a yelp, choosing instead to glower at him. 

“You’re in no position to make threats, Sasuke,” he said saccharinely. Sasuke’s breath came harsh through his nose, anger nearly blinding him. “Keep up the bad behavior, and I’ll slit your throat right in front of Weasel. Or should I say… _Itachi_.”

Sasuke’s eyes widened. _He knows everything about us. If he knows our names and Naruto, where we all live…_ His jaw ticked. _This is going to be a major pain later. All three of us will have to relocate. Will I be able to finish school? Everyone who goes there could be in danger because of me. Especially if they sic Blast on the building…_ He shuddered at the thought. Kabuto’s falsely sweet smile turned grotesque.

“What’s wrong, Sasuke? Thinking about everything you hold dear suddenly being in jeopardy?”

“Drop dead!” he snarled. 

“Tch. You wish.”

He finally let go of his hair. It hurt, it might have even bled a bit, but Sasuke couldn’t reach up to check. _I need to get out of these cuffs, first and foremost. If I’m able to get out of them, I’ll be able to get the padlocks off, too. The only question is_ _how_ _… ?_

“What’s this kid have against you, hm? He was cooperative until just now,” Blast asked.

“We go back a ways,” Kabuto answered vaguely. “He’s still mad over something petty.”

“Petty?!” The group of men turned toward him at his sudden outburst, but he was too upset to care. “You left me alone with him and skipped town! You knew what he was gonna do to me! And you have the audacity to call that _petty_ ?!” Sasuke thrashed uselessly against the chains. “I was _twelve_ you utter piece of fucking _garbage_ !” Scorpio looked disgusted, Hidan didn’t seem to understand what they were talking about, Blast was wide-eyed with shock, and Bounty simply grimaced. Even Kabuto frowned, but not for the same reason as the others. Sasuke’s pulse quickened as Kabuto came near him again, and he continued to fight fruitlessly to get free. _At this point it’s not even about strategy. I’m just so mad…!_

Kabuto knelt down in front of him, all seriousness now.

“I’ll do worse than he ever could if you don’t shut the fuck up,” he growled, so low only the two of them could hear. Sasuke shivered, a slideshow of torture flashing across his mind’s eye. _Worse than him… would be very,_ _very_ _bad…_ Just the idea had Sasuke’s voice stuck in his throat. Kabuto’s grin was evil as evil gets. He patted Sasuke’s head. “That’s more like it.”

Sasuke glared at his back as he returned to the other four, then trained his gaze on his own ankles. He concentrated on breathing, trying to think rationally even as terror nagged at the corner of his mind. _I’m bigger, stronger, and smarter than I was back then. If he wants to do anything like that to me, he’d have to kill me first. I’d rather die…_ He forced a deep inhale, followed by a slow exhale. _I have to focus on getting out of these restraints. What do I have in my pockets…?_ He carefully catalogued everything. The candy wrapper from this afternoon was useless. The decorative chain on his belt loops might have been helpful if he had any way to bend and break the clasps into something usable. Seeing as his hands were out of commission and he had no tools, those were basically useless, too. _Pen is useless, it’d just get ink everywhere even if I did manage to break off a usable piece. I’d get caught and probably drop it the second it got too slick. Pencil is useless, wish I had a mechanical one I could take apart. Eraser, also useless. Pocket change might be a good distraction later, but can’t help me out of these. Come on…_ There was a paperclip, string, and a safety pin in the breast pocket of his jacket. _The paperclip and the safety pin would be incredibly useful, if only I had a way to get to them…_ Kabuto had been careful to pin Sasuke’s shoulders down. He couldn’t roll forward enough to unzip the pocket with his mouth. In fact, one part of the chain formed a band completely covering it anyway. _Fucking Christ, he was completely prepared for me…_

He huffed irritably, raking his eyes across the floor around him, feeling the concrete at his back. Nothing on the floor except dirt, and no protruding wires or metal rods in the concrete. _Literally nothing. That leaves me with exactly one option…_

He watched the four who had brought him disperse. Hidan and Bounty stayed here, stationed against pillars closer to the door. Scorpio and Blast went upstairs; Sasuke could hear their steps go up, and faintly hear them walking around up there. Kabuto sneered at Sasuke one last time before he disappeared into another room toward the back that Sasuke couldn’t see from his current position, throwing instructions to watch him at Hidan and Bounty. Both men glowered at Kabuto’s back.

“Tch. I don’t know why we take orders from that guy,” Hidan complained, unstrapping a large machete from his back and leaning it beside him as he sat down against his pillar. _Jesus, he was hiding that under his jacket this whole time…?_ Bounty stayed standing, leaning with one foot up, arms folded over his chest.

“He has information and connections,” he replied simply.

“It gets on my nerves! I could wipe him out in an instant. He’s so fuckin’ cocky!”

“You’re cocky, too, numbnuts.”

“Bounty!”

“Shut up.”

Sasuke ignored their bickering, and they ignored him, clearly unconcerned. _They must not know enough about me to know I’m a threat, even when I’m supposedly neutralized,_ he thought with a wry grin. _Or maybe they do and just think it was an exaggeration. Kabuto knows just how slippery I can be, though…_ He flexed his hands experimentally. _Unfortunately for Kabuto, there are things even he doesn’t know about me…_

Sasuke disguised the popping of a joint with a sneeze. The pain was nothing he hadn’t endured before, but still bothersome. With his right thumb dislocated, he was able to slip it out of the cuff with minimal difficulty. He kept his hands behind his back to continue the ruse, shifting around until it was in the right place. He leaned back and popped it into place again between the concrete and his own back. _Relocation always hurts worse than the initial dislocation…_ He faked another sneeze to cover it, tears springing to his eyes. He sniffled, unable to even rub his face on his shoulders. _Annoying…_

“For fuck’s sake.”

Sasuke paused as Bounty approached him, tensing. The man seemed even larger standing directly in front of him like this, absolutely towering over him. Sasuke couldn’t help but be a little afraid. _Did he notice what I was doing? He could beat me senseless..._ Bounty stooped down, producing tissues from his pockets. He pressed one up to Sasuke’s nose.

“Here. Blow in it.” Sasuke blinked at him in shock. “C’mon, kid. I don’t have all day.” Sasuke warily blew his nose. Bounty tossed it away and wiped the tears from Sasuke’s face with a new one.

“What the _hell_ are you doing?” Hidan asked. Bounty shrugged as he stood back up.

“This wasn’t the assignment I thought it’d be.”

“Whattya mean?” _Hidan might be even stupider than Naruto…_

“I can’t stand looking at a snot-nosed kid.”

Hidan didn’t seem to get it yet, but Sasuke did. _He wasn’t expecting a kid, let alone one who’s clearly been through some shit with members of their organization before. He’s soft about it…_

“Thanks,” Sasuke squeaked at last, playing up the scrawny kid angle in front of them. _They think I’m all talk because I hate Kabuto, but am otherwise compliant. Little do they know…_ Bounty flipped a dismissive wrist.

Sasuke did what he did best; waited. He waited for Hidan and Bounty to stop arguing and start letting their guard down. Hidan napped, snoring loudly enough to cover Sasuke if he was careful. Bounty played solitaire on the floor with one hand and held his gun in the other, pointed toward the door. Kabuto hadn’t yet reemerged, and Scorpio and Blast were still upstairs as far as Sasuke knew, probably keeping watch from a higher vantage point. _Now’s my chance._

He timed his movements to coincide with Hidan’s snoring. The chains rattled a little as he lifted his right arm out from behind his back. Bounty either didn’t notice or didn’t care. He let it hang at his side, gritting his teeth through the sensation of pins and needles coupled with the still-persistent ache in his hand. Slowly, very slowly, he was able to get his hand up just enough to unzip the breast pocket of his jacket. He was only able to open it enough to get one finger in; the chains were too tight around him to do much of anything. This alone was a spectacular feat, a lucky miscalculation on Kabuto’s end. _He obviously intends to keep me here a while and didn’t wanna crush my ribs. It’d be inconvenient if his hostage died of a punctured lung, after all…_

It took several frustrating tries and several hurried glances back at Hidan and Bounty for him to get a hold of the safety pin. He didn’t even care that it was stabbing his palm. It was firmly in his hand, and that was all that mattered. _I might not get another chance if I drop it…_

Getting his hand back down was actually harder than getting it up had been. He was intensely aware of how the chains rubbed against his thumb, making pain shoot up his arm. He’d been too preoccupied with the sensation of pins and needles earlier to care. He was able to get it back into its original position without Hidan or Bounty noticing. He let himself close his eyes and breathe for a few moments, sweat dribbling down the back of his shirt. _Stay calm, stay calm. Don’t get caught…_

He squirmed a little, as if trying to get comfortable after sitting in one place for too long. It made the chains rattle rather loudly, covering the tell-tales clicks of the cuffs as he freed his left hand. He was able to grab the cuffs before they hit the floor, lowering them gently so they didn’t make a sound. Hidan roused briefly and Bounty glanced at him, but seeing as Sasuke was still in the same relative position, just his legs bent at a different angle and looking bored, they quickly resumed what they were doing before.

He switched the safety pin to his left hand, eying the lock on the chains currently holding them together. _Either Kabuto’s lost his touch, or this is a trap. He put the lock right at the same level as my hand…_ The challenge now was just getting his hand between the chains without the pair of giants noticing, and not breaking the safety pin inside it. _It’s a much heavier duty lock than the cuffs. In fact, the safety pin might not be big enough, it might just snap no matter how careful I am…_

He was debating whether it’d be better to try anyway or attempt to delve back into his pocket for the papercip when there was a commotion upstairs. The thumping of footsteps, a cut-off yell, and two loud thumps of heavy things hitting the floor. Hidan and Bounty jumped to their feet, weapons in hand, peering outside. Bounty guarded the door as Hidan neared the stairs.

Sasuke couldn’t see what happened. The next thing he knew, there was the sound of shattering glass all around him. Masked figures rushed in through the windows. Three threw themselves at Bounty, two at Hidan, and another rushed to Sasuke’s aid. Even with the mask and the uniform, Sasuke recognized his brother immediately.

“Weasel,” he said, relieved, pressing his forehead to his brother’s in greeting and thanks. Itachi worked quickly at the lock, undoing the chains. Sasuke handed him the cuffs in exchange for the lockpick. “I’ll break free and help as soon as I can.”  
“No, Sasuke, run!”

“I’m not leaving you!”

A basement door Sasuke hadn’t seen or noticed suddenly burst open across the room, a stream of people coming out. 

“Shit!” they cursed in unison. Sasuke jammed the lockpick into the padlock, struggling with it while Itachi pulled a gun in one hand and a knife in the other. He stood right in front of Sasuke, picking off their new horde of opponents one by one. By the time Itachi had to reload, Sasuke was jumping to his feet, twisting the chain around his arm to use as a whip. He took out the people who came through the back room Kabuto had gone into earlier, pulling his switchblade with his uninjured hand. One of them caught the chain, wrapping it around their own arm, thinking they’d stop him. He rushed in, his blade sinking into flesh. He didn’t look to see if the guy was still alive or not. He just dropped the chain and swept someone else’s feet out from under them, their head cracking sickeningly against the concrete floor. Sasuke enjoyed fighting, but he didn’t enjoy wounding and killing. Sparring was fine, and he’d probably do well in a ring, but fighting for his life at the expense of others… that was something that made his soul feel heavy.

He twisted as Itachi cried out, and that moment of distraction cost him dearly. Pain and heat ripped through his whole body, jolting and falling to the floor in convulsions. He screamed involuntarily. His vision went blank. Even when the shock was no longer being administered, he could still feel the electricity coursing through his veins, his muscles twitching, feeling dazed as his vision slowly returned. Gunshots rang out all around him. There was blood on the floor. _Fuck! I can’t…_ _move_ _…!_ He felt someone above him. _This is it. I’m gonna die. I’m sorry, Itachi…_

The killing blow never struck. Instead, he heard a grunt over him and breath on his cheek. Itachi’s face filled his field of view, scrunched up with pain, lying in the puddle of blood Sasuke had been staring at. 

“I-Itachi?” He wrapped his arm around his middle, curling, unable to answer. Sasuke forced his body to cooperate enough for him to prop himself up on his side. 

His eyes became the size of dinner plates. There was so much blood. The puddle was becoming a lake.

“No. No!” 

He forced himself up, shaking, still twitching randomly. He tore off his jacket, pushing Itachi onto his back. Sasuke held back vomit and tears. The wound was deep. Really, really deep. He balled his jacket up and pressed it against the injury. Itachi choked, coughing up blood. 

“Itachi! Itachi!”

He opened his eyes. Sasuke’s breath hitched. They weren’t black anymore. They were greying, the shine in them fading and reappearing in the blood drenching Sasuke’s hands.

“No. Itachi, please don’t,” he pleaded. His brother smiled with red-stained teeth, sharp against pale lips and paler skin.

“It’s okay, Sasuke,” he rasped. “You’re so strong and so smart and so brave. You’ll be okay.”

He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. They poured down his face in rivers. _It’s too much blood. He’ll never make it to a hospital in time…_

“You’re all I have left,” he sobbed. “Please, Itachi, don’t leave me…!”

Itachi’s face softened, even as a shiver wracked his whole body. He coughed more blood. Sasuke displaced even more of his weight into pressing down on the wound, desperate. 

“Let go, Sasuke. It’s okay.”

He stared at his hands, soaked in Itachi’s blood. His life slipping between his fingers, still warm, and nothing Sasuke could do. He saw his mother and father in Itachi’s face. _It’s happening again. All over again. My loved one is dying and there’s nothing I can do…_

He scooped Itachi up in his arms, petting his hair frantically. Itachi sighed, pressing his palm to Sasuke’s chest.

“I’ll always be right here, Sasuke,” he said, stroking his thumb over his heart. “You’ll never be alone.” Sasuke sobbed, lowering his head until his forehead was against Itachi’s once more. _For the last time…_

“I’m gonna miss you, Itachi.”  
“I know. I’ll miss you, too.”

They pulled away. Itachi raised his hand once more, pressing his first two fingers between Sasuke’s brows.

“Forgive me, Sasuke. There won’t… be a next time…” His hand trailed down his face as he started going limp. “I love you…”

“I love you, too.”

Itachi’s death rattle echoed in his head. He would never forget that sound. It was branded into him, another addition to his collection of horrible memories. He would rather have his limbs torn off one by one. He’d rather hang upside from the ceiling for the rest of his life. He’d rather wear shoes made of hot coals. No physical pain could compare to this.

The keening howl ripped itself free from his chest of its own accord, releasing part of Sasuke’s heart to join Itachi’s spirit in death. _It’s my fault. If I’d listened when he told me to run, he might still be alive. Instead he threw himself in front of me, to protect me. It’s all… my fault…_

His tears dwindled as Itachi’s body cooled. By the time his skin was cold, Sasuke’s insides were, too. He felt numb as the remaining ANBU pried him away from Itachi’s body. He felt as if he wasn’t even connected to his flesh anymore. He was just a shambling husk, living only because his body continued to breathe on its own, walking only because the ANBU steered him in this direction or the other. 

_My brother is dead, and it’s all my fault…_


	6. The Meal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mental health stuff (grieving, depression, brief manic episode), suicidal ideation/thoughts
> 
> a fluffier chapter to break things up. still angsty, but fluffier than usual.

The ANBU questioned him between his shifting states of catatonia and panic. They released him by the next morning. They were only able to get so much information out of him, after all. They’d taken Itachi’s body by then and cremated it without a service or funeral of any kind. Itachi wanted it that way. It took five days for them to return the ashes to Sasuke in a simple metal urn. He placed Itachi carefully on the shelf in their living room where the TV once sat. Sasuke had destroyed it in a rage earlier that week. He sat for hours staring at where his brother now rested. It consumed him.

ANBU had taken Kabuto into custody, and the four others had all been killed or apprehended. Seeing Kabuto get stunned with his own cattle prod as he tried to escape was the only part that brought Sasuke some kind of joy. With no one actively tracking them anymore, neither himself nor Naruto had to relocate. 

_Naruto_. 

He was the only other person who occasionally crossed his mind. Sasuke almost called him several times, once even picking up the receiver, but immediately thought better of it. What would he even say? What was there _to_ say? His brother was dead and Sasuke wasn’t okay and there was nothing anyone could do to make it okay. There was no point in getting Naruto involved.

He spent a week ignoring calls from the school before Iruka finally coerced him into coming back to class. By then Sasuke’s violent mood swings had settled down to a pervasive numbness. Everything felt so pointless, especially school. Calculus wouldn't bring his brother back. Reading Animal Farm wouldn't change the past. Conjugating Latin verbs wouldn't erase the memory of blood on his hands. What was even the point of trying to graduate? To live a better life? What life could be better than one with Itachi still in it? He probably failed all his midterms, and he didn’t even care.

Suddenly, his and Naruto’s study halls became dedicated to Naruto trying to get him to eat something. He was too useless to even help Naruto now, and that made him feel even worse. “Just one more bite,” he'd plead. “For me, Sasuke. Please.” He would manage a fruit cup or maybe half a sandwich before he felt ill. Naruto’s offers to come over became daily, but Sasuke knew what would happen if he did; he’d never want to leave the comfort of Naruto’s presence. He’d never want to go back to his own apartment and move his shit. Even just spending too much one-on-one time with Naruto right now would end in making all of his problems Naruto’s problems. He didn’t want that. Naruto didn’t deserve to have to deal with Sasuke’s bullshit when he was still wading through his own. It wouldn’t be fair. So, he did the only thing he knew how; he created more distance. Where once he was at arm’s length, still within reach, Sasuke worked to make it six feet. Too far to touch, just out of range. And maybe one day it’d become a hallway’s length. Then a football field. And soon enough, Naruto would be on a different continent, in a completely different world, far away from Sasuke and his problems, far away from the grief and anxiety and depression that spread through him and shed off him in waves like some terrible disease. Naruto would be free of whatever malignancy Sasuke carried that seemed to systematically destroy everything around him.

If you love something, let it go. That phrase existed for a reason, didn’t it?

Winter break wasn’t a relief. He had just started getting back into the swing of things, finally able to focus on his schoolwork to start catching up, distracting himself. But now he had nothing to do, and nowhere to go. He found himself sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the door, waiting for a ghost to come home. When he finally dragged himself to bed, he didn’t leave it for two full days. He didn’t sleep, though. He just stared at the walls and the ceiling, re-committing them to memory. The thought of going out into the world, where the forced holiday cheer was suffocating and bright, made him want to bury himself in a hole. The mere concept of facing another person in his current state felt catastrophic. Either winter break would end and he would be forced to go back to school, or he would rot. He didn’t care which came first.

He was laying on the living room floor when a persistent knocking started on his front door. He wasn’t sure how long it took him to notice. He ignored it at first, thinking if it was the landlord or a neighbor they’d go away quickly enough. If it was the police or a social worker, they’d make themselves known. If it was ANBU or Akatsuki, they’d just break the door down. He didn’t really give a damn. Not until he heard the voice on the other side.

“You can’t hide from me forever, you bastard! I know you’re in there so open the damn door!”

Sasuke sighed heavily. Getting up was more effort than it was worth. 

“Go away.”

“Make me!” He sighed again, forcing himself up. He only opened the door as much as the chain lock would allow. Sure enough, Naruto stood on the other side, annoyed and huffing.

“What.” It wasn’t even a question. Sasuke’s voice came out completely flat. It suited how he felt, he supposed.

“Aren’t you gonna invite me in?” he demanded.

“It’s, I’m… not in a state to be seen.” Naruto snorted.

“Yeah, I figured, that’s why I’m here. Now open up!”

Sasuke shook his head, edging the door shut.

“I’m sorry, Naruto.”

He wedged his hand in, preventing Sasuke from closing it.

“I’m not going home until you let me in,” he growled. It wasn’t a threat, it was a _promise_ , and Naruto always, always, _always_ kept his promises. Sasuke sighed again.

“Fine. Just… don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He unbolted the chain, leaving the door exactly as it was, walking away and sinking into the nearest kitchen chair. He listened to Naruto close and re-lock all four locks. He heard him taking off his shoes and hanging up his coat. It was different than how Itachi used to come home, but it was better than the perpetual silence.

“Jeez Sasuke, you live like this?” Sasuke folded his arms and buried his face in them, ashamed.

“I tried to warn you, idiot.”

The place wasn’t in shambles, but it was far from the notorious Uchiha standard of cleanliness. The floors were dirty from weeks without sweeping or mopping. The rug in the living room was definitely disgusting, but Sasuke kept laying on it anyway. His sheets hadn’t been changed, but he couldn’t force himself to do it even when it started giving him acne. There was a pile of laundry in one corner of his room that overwhelmed him just to look at, and the bathroom could definitely use a thorough once-over. The only thing he’d managed to do consistently was the dishes, because he barely ate to begin with. Which led to the state of Sasuke himself: he hadn’t showered in several days, and he knew he stunk. He had spent countless hours lying on the floor, begging himself to just get up and _do it already_ , but he couldn’t. Everything just felt… too much. It was the only way he could describe it.

He finally dared a glance at Naruto. His bag was open on the chair beside him. He’d tied an apron over his shirt, and his hair was held back in a bandana. The ensemble was completed with a pair of dish gloves. 

“Alright. Guess I’ll start in here,” he muttered to himself. Sasuke managed to sit back up a bit.

“What the hell are you doing.”  
“What does it look like I’m doing? Cleaning, stupid!” Naruto knelt and rummaged under the sink, producing a sponge and cleaning products. He set them all on the table. Sasuke could only watch. _This is very unlike him. Then again, I’ve been very much unlike myself, too…_

“Why?”

Naruto turned, his hand still raised to start scrubbing the counters.

“Whattya mean ‘why’? ‘Cause it’s a disaster in here!” Sasuke lowered his head. _I’m useless. I’m so useless. Not only can’t I help him anymore, but I can’t even help myself…_ Naruto seemed to notice Sasuke’s internal shift, abandoning the sponge for a moment to lean against the counter. “Listen, I’m not here to make you feel like even more shit. I’m just returning the favor.”

“What favor.” Naruto snorted.

“What, have you already forgotten? You used to come over and clean my apartment almost every weekend. The least I could do is help you out now.”

In truth, Sasuke hadn’t even thought of that. The time when he would casually spend days with Naruto felt so very far in the past. Itachi hadn’t even been gone a month yet, but already it felt like a lifetime.

“Besides, I know you,” Naruto continued, turning his attention back to the counters. “If someone isn’t here to force you to take care of yourself, you’ll just waste away. Maybe it’s selfish, but I like having my best friend around.” He shot Sasuke a smile over his shoulder. “I’m happy to take care of you.”

Sasuke just barely bit back a wail. _I’m fucking pathetic…_ This was the very thing he’d been afraid of: making his problems Naruto’s problems. He buried his face fully in his arms, trying to hide, his tears as silent as Itachi’s ashes in the urn. He hoped beyond hope that Naruto wouldn’t notice, but he did, and very quickly.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong, Sasuke?”

“I’m fucking useless!” he spat, raising his head just enough that his voice wouldn’t be muffled. Naruto couldn’t see his face still, hidden by greasy hair.

“You’re not useless, you’re just-”

“Don’t make excuses for me!” He drew in a sharp breath. “I am useless. I can’t do anything. Itachi died and I just… I just fell apart.” He swallowed. “It’s not fair. You shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces of my life. It’s my fault everything’s like this but somehow it’s your problem and it’s because I’m too fucking useless to just get myself together and do what I gotta do. I’m pathetic! It’d be better if I just died, too-” 

Naruto’s fist slammed against the counter, shocking Sasuke into silence.

“How dare you.” Sasuke glanced up. Naruto looked beyond angry; he was seething with rage. Sasuke could feel it radiating off him. “How dare you talk about my best friend like that!” he snarled. “I don’t look at Sasuke and see some helpless little bitch. I see someone who’s lost everything and despite it all, he’s still here. He’s still breathing. He’s so strong, and after everything he’s done to help me, he deserves, at the very least, one person to stick by him now. I don’t pity Sasuke. I just wanna help him get back on his feet, like he’s helped me do so many times before.” He pointed to Sasuke now. “Don’t you ever have the audacity to spout that kind of bullshit at me again. I would be _destroyed_ if my best friend died. I would never wish for that.” His face softened a little, more cognizant of the tears streaming down Sasuke’s face than even Sasuke himself was. “I’m not here to make you feel like shit,” he repeated. “I’m here to help. And it’s not because you need me to or because I feel bad for you. It’s because I want to”

“It’s not fair,” Sasuke choked. “My problems shouldn’t be your problems.”

“None of this is fair, Sasuke,” he soothed, reaching across the table to sandwich Sasuke’s hands between his. “None of it’s fair. Sure, maybe I shouldn’t involve myself. Maybe it really isn’t fair for me to shoulder your burdens along with mine. But d’ya know what I think would be the most unfair thing of all?” Sasuke shook his head. “Abandoning you when you need me most.”

Sasuke finally raised his head enough to look Naruto in the eye. It was almost a relief to see him crying, too. 

“Both our lives have been nothing except unfair. That’s something we’ll always have in common. You’ve helped me keep myself together more than you know. It wasn’t fair for you to have to tutor me the last two and a half years. It wasn’t fair for you to have to clean my apartment because I’m too much of a disaster to do it myself. It wasn’t fair for you to have to be my entire support system. But you did it anyway. You did it anyway and I’ve always been grateful for it but I didn’t know how to thank you.” He squeezed Sasuke’s hands a little tighter. “ _This_ is how I can thank you. So please… let me do it. Let me help you. I’m begging, Sasuke.”

Sasuke didn’t have the energy to keep fighting. He didn’t _want_ to fight. It felt like a defeat when he finally nodded. Naruto’s hands slowly fell away from his, and he turned around once more to clean. Sasuke just watched, vacantly, as Naruto bounced from task to task. He didn’t even attempt to follow the logic of it. _I can’t stand watching him do all this without doing anything myself…_ He picked himself up and dragged his cage of a body to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees and pulled the cleaning products out from the cabinet under the sink, donning his own pair of dish gloves.

Sasuke finally cleaned.

By the end, he was more exhausted than he thought was reasonable. Fat droplets of sweat dripped from his hair onto his pants as he knelt in the middle of the bathroom floor. The tiles sparkled. _Now I_ _really_ _have to shower…_ The vacuum whirred to life in the other room. He reached back and shut the door, tossing his clothes in the full laundry hamper. He sighed. _I’ll definitely have to deal with the laundry soon. I hate having to drag all this shit to the laundromat…_

It wasn’t as refreshing as it usually was, but there was a certain serenity that came with finally being clean. No longer could his brain hold him hostage with his inability to do this one thing. Sure, another task might paralyze him tomorrow, but for now… for now, he got to taste just a little bit of freedom.

Naruto had cleaned the whole living room, kitchen, and hallway by then. He was dripping sweat, too; _he has every right to be sweating, he did three times more work than me._ He was staring now at the door to Sasuke’s room. He seemed hesitant, like he wasn’t sure whether he was allowed in or not. Sasuke opened the door, closed it, changed, and opened it again for Naruto. He wandered in slowly.

“You’ve never been in here before, right?” Naruto nodded, looking around with wide eyes. _What is he even looking at? There’s nothing special about this room…_

The whole room was minimalist as minimalist gets. A bed, a dresser, and a laundry hamper now buried under the pile of clothes Sasuke had thrown at it. Sasuke’s backpack sat forlornly near the window, with his knife and an empty cup on the sill above it. They didn’t have a nighttable, so the windowsill was the next best thing. _I don’t have a nighttable,_ Sasuke corrected himself. On top of the dresser was Itachi’s ANBU mask, lying face up, and a photograph of their family, back when everyone was still alive. _I wonder who will cherish that picture when I’m gone. I’m the only one left, after all…_ Naruto picked up the knife, turning it over gently in his hands. Sasuke had left it there with the blade out.

“Is this the same one… from that time…?”

Sasuke blinked, for a moment unable to recall the time Naruto meant. It flashed by his mind’s eye almost like a vision- _Naruto was sitting on the wet pavement, bloodied and bruised, when he arrived. They were still roughing him up. Sasuke heard the crack of one kicking his ribs. Rage flared hot inside him. The next thing he knew, his switchblade was out, and he was screaming as he lunged for them. The sound of pouring rain mixed with the roar of blood in his ears. They fled, but not before he was able to slice one’s arm open. His blood ran in diluted rivers on the ground, mingling with Naruto’s. He held out a hand to him as he wiped the blade clean on his pants, shutting the sharp side away and putting it back in his pocket. Naruto’s smile was bright, although swollen, and his voice was somehow still cheerful as it passed through broken teeth: “Thanks for saving me, Sasuke!”_

Sasuke nodded. He wasn’t sure if Naruto saw or not.

“You’ve had it for so long. It’s still in great shape.” Sasuke shrugged.

“I take care of it.” He went to sit on the bed, but Naruto swatted at him.

“Not til we change the sheets! You got any spares?” Sasuke nodded again, groaning a little as he got down on the floor to reach under the bed. He pulled out a simple cardboard box, opening it to reveal the one other set of bedding and the two extra blankets he owned. Naruto slid the box closer to himself with his foot and bent to start looking for the fitted sheet. “If you wanna help, you could take that apart,” he said, tilting his chin toward the bed. Sasuke obliged silently, tossing it all toward the laundry pile. He felt his anxiety spike at the sight of it, but there was nothing to be done about it just then, so he turned away. It felt like Naruto had everything back together in seconds; Sasuke had only managed to wrangle a cover onto one pillow in the time it took Naruto to put the fitted sheet on (entirely on his own), lay out the top sheet, and cover two of the remaining three pillows. Their hands brushed as they both reached for the last pillow at the same time. It felt like an electrical current running up Sasuke’s arm; not painful like the cattle prod, but like when you accidentally touched the metal prong pulling a plug from the wall. It was just enough to make him reel away. Naruto made a concerned face.

“S-sorry.” 

Naruto narrowed his eyes a moment, but apparently decided against mentioning it. Sasuke, meanwhile, rubbed at his palm, trying desperately to keep his heart caged up inside his chest. _How long has it been since I’ve… touched another human being?_ His eyes widened a fraction. _Was it… Itachi’s body…?_ He shook his head to himself. _No, I touch others during rehearsals, and Naruto’s been as touchy-feely as he always is. So why now? Why am I reacting this way…?_

The sudden realization made him feel stupid. He watched Naruto kneel on the bed to place the last pillow down, and the sight had Sasuke’s heart lurching. _It’s because… the person I love most… is in my_ _bed_ _…_ He swallowed, trying to force down those feelings. _Now’s not the time. I’m too… unstable…_ Naruto cocked his head to the side, studying Sasuke.

“You look kinda flushed. Wanna sit down?” Sasuke hesitated, but ultimately decided to sit. He _did_ feel flushed. Too hot for it to just be those thoughts. _Don’t tell me I’m coming down with something. That’d just be too much to deal with right now…_

He let himself lay back on the bed. The shift made him feel as if everything spun in a slow circle. He shut his eyes against the feeling. 

“Y’know, I noticed while I was cleaning you have almost no food here.” Sasuke grimaced, nodding a little. “I just got paid. We could order in something, if you want.” Sasuke shook his head.

“You’ve done enough. I have cash if you wanna order something.”

“You sure, ‘Suke?” He snorted.  
“It’s not like I’ve been spending money on groceries.” He tilted his chin toward his backpack. “Wallet’s in a smaller pocket within the main part.”

“Not to be a nosy bitch or anything,” Naruto began, rummaging through the backpack, “but how are you affording to live here still? Or are you just waiting for them to evict you?”

Sasuke was glad he was lying down and Naruto couldn’t see his face from where he was crouched down on the floor. _Shit. I didn’t even think to prepare a lie for that kind of question. How do I explain this away without telling him about ANBU…?_

“Our parents’ inheritance,” he lied. “Itachi had kept it squirreled away all these years, and added his own savings to the pool when he could. ‘Just in case something happens,’ he’d say. ‘Or for you to go to college, whichever comes first.’” Sasuke pretended he didn’t feel a stabbing pain in his chest when he realized that, if he did decide to go to school, Itachi would never know it. He’d been so excited for Sasuke to graduate from high school, and always encouraged him to go to college. Itachi wouldn’t be there if he ever got a degree. Itachi wouldn’t be there for any accomplishments Sasuke might reach from then on. He’d been so busy mourning their past life together and trying to keep himself from falling apart completely in the present that he hadn’t yet thought about the future. It made the gaping despair in his gut widen. 

“Hm, yeah, that makes sense. But that money’ll eventually run out, right?” Sasuke shrugged.

“I would assume so. I’m not the executor, though, so I don’t control the money. I don’t even know how much there is. All I know is my rent is paid and money for food drops into my account at the end of every week.” That was at least a half-truth. He didn’t know how much money there was, and wouldn’t until he turned eighteen. Then he’d be given access to the accounts and able to determine for himself what he wanted to do with anything that was left.

Naruto nodded as he stood back up, tossing Sasuke’s wallet to him. Sasuke tossed it back.

“Order whatever you want. Just pay the guy when he gets here.” Naruto grinned. He wasn’t used to being treated- neither of them were, really- but Sasuke figured he owed it to him.

“So, Sasuke, about the money…” He trailed off.

“Whatever it is, just ask.” Naruto shifted uncomfortably, scratching at the back of his head.

“Well, it’s just, I was thinking… what if I moved here and split the rent with you?”

Sasuke sat up abruptly. He’d expected Naruto to ask for a loan, maybe, or if he wanted to go on a trip or something. He was not expecting a sudden request to be roommates.

“I-it would make whatever money you have last longer,” he continued, nervous and blushing. “And this is a way nicer place than mine. I’m getting tired of living in a little shoebox, y’know? A-and…” He swallowed thickly. “Well, I figured maybe you might… be lonely or something. I know how much it sucks living by yourself… “

Sasuke blinked a few times, unsure if he was really hearing Naruto correctly.

“I-It’s okay if you need time to think about it. I know it’s really sudden. But y’know, I just… I thought I’d offer. My lease expires soon and I’ve been looking for a place but I can’t really afford anything better than what I’ve got, and my landlord really doesn’t wanna gimme a renewal since prices are going up and he could move someone else in to pay more, and-”

“Move in.” Naruto stuttered to a halt.

“R-really?” Sasuke shrugged.

“I was gonna move in with you after graduation anyway. I don’t see the difference.” Now it was Naruto’s turn to blink disbelievingly a few times. _With him around, I already feel a little better. Maybe just having someone home with me regularly will help. At the very least, he’ll remind me to eat and make me take care of myself._ “And about the rent… don’t worry about it just yet. I was told I’ll be okay until the lease here expires in August, so you can save some money for school.”

Naruto looked like he was going to cry. Sasuke was surprised he didn’t- he normally wasn’t so reserved with expressions of emotion. Instead, he just grinned so wide Sasuke swore it would split his face open.

“You’re the best, Sasuke! I promise you I’ll be a good roommate!” His stomach had its desire known, growling loudly. “Hehe. Let’s talk more after I order the food, okay?” Sasuke snorted, rolling onto his side and tucking his arm under his head. Inside, though, he felt a little glow. He might have named it “hope”.

___

On Christmas Eve, Sasuke went outside at last. 

He and Naruto didn’t normally do gifts, mostly because neither of them really celebrated. Naruto hadn’t had a traditional Christmas experience growing up, and rather than try to make up for lost time, he just avoided the holiday altogether. Sasuke and Itachi had been too poor to celebrate after their parents died, and as Sasuke grew he recognized it for the frivolous commercial holiday it was and the charm disappeared. The only reason Sasuke was going out at all was to get groceries and slap something nice together for Naruto when he inevitably showed up again. The guy was at his apartment every day without fail making sure Sasuke took care of himself and keeping him company, even when Sasuke made it clear he was fine or got annoyed and yelled at him. The only reason he wasn’t there at that very moment was because he had to go to work.

Sasuke cringed to himself. He felt bad about the yelling on top of everything else. He owed him a decent meal, at least.

Now that the numbness had broken, Sasuke’s emotions were all over the place again. Some days it was all he could do to keep himself from clinging desperately to Naruto. Other days he raged. Naruto took it all in stride. In their daily interactions, Naruto was hot-headed and easily got defensive, in contrast to Sasuke’s cool stoicism. But when he needed to be, Naruto became even-keeled and non-judgmental. Sasuke’s volatility was bringing that side of him out. Sasuke convinced himself, over and over again, that it was just because they knew each other well. They weren’t just naturally suited to each other. They didn’t subconsciously adapt to one another’s needs to stay in harmony. It was just familiarity. 

Right now, Sasuke was feeling manic. He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before, his anxiety was running so high he felt jittery, and he was certain if he had to stay still for even one second he’d burst into flames. All of the days of lethargy were catching up to him in a sudden burst of energy. He knew it would die by that night, so he made the most of it while he could. He cleaned the entire kitchen and straightened out the rest of the apartment first thing in the morning. Then he went out, got the groceries he needed, and even picked up the ingredients for a little surprise for Naruto. The rest of the day was spent in the kitchen. He made enough to feed a dinner party even though it would just be himself and Naruto. _The leftovers will be good for the days I can’t bring myself to do anything,_ he reasoned. Everything he made was from scratch: beef stew, bread rolls, a honey-glazed ham, mashed potatoes with herbs, a fancy brussel sprout salad he was certain he could trick Naruto into eating if he put some cranberries in it before he served it, a meat and cheese board he cut himself as the appetizers, and even homemade “gingerbread egg nog” (non-alcoholic, of course) which was just regular egg nog with a lot of cinnamon and nutmeg so Sasuke could stomach it. He was still himself, after all, and he didn’t like sweet things. The thing that Naruto would like best, though, was dessert. He was getting an entire two batches of pinwheel cookies all to himself. It was the confectionary embodiment of the Uzumaki swirl. And unlike many who would just slap some red food coloring on it and call it a day, Sasuke instead meticulously rolled vanilla and raspberry flavors together to make the pinwheel design. _He’d better appreciate this,_ he thought as he obsessively checked on the cookies again. _I’m driving myself crazy trying to make sure they keep their shape as they cook…_

As if on cue, the front door opened.

“I’m home!” he called. “God _damn_ , it smells good in here!” Sasuke smirked, listening to Naruto kick off his shoes and drop his keys. “Jesus fucking- Sasuke, did you seriously make all this?!” he cried. Sasuke straightened up from where he’d been crouching in front of the oven.

“Welcome home.” He gestured vaguely to the table. “And uh… Merry Christmas, I guess.”

Naruto’s eyes were so wide, Sasuke wondered for a moment if his face would get stuck like that.

“You _seriously_ made all this?”

“No, elves did,” he deadpanned, turning his attention to the beef stew on the back burner. _Could use a little more garlic…_ He rummaged through the cupboard for the garlic powder for what felt like the eightieth time that day.

“Sasuke, this is incredible,” he breathed, walking all the way around the table to look at what he’d done. The ham was already in the middle of the table, partially carved. The mashed potatoes and the salad were in matching large bowls. The bread rolls had a little basket all to themselves, and the first batch of pinwheel cookies were off to the side, the edges frosted and covered in sprinkles. As expected, Naruto’s grubby little hands darted straight for them, hoping to grab one before Sasuke could stop him. He just reached back and smacked the offending hand with the wooden spoon, making Naruto yelp in surprise. Sasuke was painfully reminded of how his brother would smack his hands the same way. 

“Cookies last. I didn’t make all this food for nothing.”

“But Sasuke, I’m starving!” he whined.

“Then quit complaining and eat off the board,” he said, gesturing to the prepared board on the counter beside him.

“Oh my god, a fancy meat and cheese board?! How didn’t I notice it?!”

Naruto dove in, greedily shoving a slice of prosciutto in his mouth. He sighed loudly.

“Sasuke, how did you know I fuckin’ love these things?”

“I didn’t. And stop talking with your mouth full, stupid.” He truly hadn’t. He just knew Naruto had a weird fascination with finger foods (the tinier the better) but most of the ideas he had were things Naruto wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. So he did the next best thing and basically deconstructed a sandwich on a board. Nothing unfamiliar, surprising, or green for Naruto to turn his nose up at there. Not that he was a picky eater, he just had a stupid aversion to vegetables.

Naruto helped himself to the board while Sasuke tended the stew and continued checking on the cookies. Naruto jabbered about work and complimented the food at least three more times and occasionally force-fed Sasuke some of it because he didn’t want to demolish it on his own. Sasuke had his hands full, so it made sense for Naruto to feed him, but it still made a weird feeling rise in him that put a blush on his cheeks. He could at least blame the color on the heat; slaving at a stove all day would do that. 

Eventually Naruto decided to shower and change. Sasuke minded the stew while the cookies cooled, humming to himself at first, then singing softly under his breath. 

“Y’know, you should sing more. You don’t sound nearly as bad as you think you do.” 

Sasuke jumped. Naruto stood across the kitchen from him, _clothed thank god_ , with a towel draped over his shoulders to catch the drippings from his wet hair.

“Gimme a heart attack why don’t ya?” Naruto chuckled.

“Chill out and maybe I wouldn’t scare ya so bad.” Sasuke grunted, ignoring him. The manic energy that had propelled him through the whole day prior was burning out, leaving him grumpy and tired. “Anyway, I know you never sing solo ‘cause you think you should bad. But you don’t.” 

“I know I don’t sound _bad_ , I just don’t like the sound of my own voice.”

“I like it.” Sasuke turned away, swallowing a little. He didn’t know what to say to that. All he knew was that it felt a lot hotter in there all of a sudden. 

A few moments of silence passed. Sasuke was enjoying it, mindlessly stirring the pot, but like most things, Naruto just couldn’t leave it alone. _God, I’m so hungry. Will this stupid dish ever be done…?_

“Sasuke, y’know… you didn’t have to do all this.”

“You think I don’t know that, idiot? Tch.” _Seriously, is it done yet? I feel like I’ve been watching it for hours and hours now. What would the harm be in serving it as is? Fuck it, I’m gonna just do it._ He flicked the burner off from the lowest setting and set it aside on a cool burner. He turned his attention now to the cookies. He iced the sides with shaking hands, rolling them in a shallow bowl of sprinkles. 

“Well, it’s really cool that you made this whole thing happen. It’s… it’s really nice, Sasuke.”

“Hn. Just wait ‘til you try it to thank me. There’s no guarantee it’s any good.”

“There’s no way you spent all day on this shit for it to turn out sub-par. You’re Sasuke Uchiha. _Nothing_ you do is sub-par.”

His blush flared even brighter. _Is he just hyping me up because I’ve been so depressed lately? Does he really think that highly of me? Is he trying to make fun of me?_

“Shut up, dumbass.”

“Hey, I’m trying to pay you a compliment, asshole!”  
“I don’t need it. Here.” He handed Naruto a plate. “Let’s eat now.” Naruto brightened, hastily taking a seat.

“Thanks for the meal!” he cried.

Sasuke did manage to trick Naruto into eating some of the salad. He happily ate multiple servings of everything else. He lauded the gingerbread egg nog, and when the time for dessert finally came he looked over the moon. 

“Sasuke, these cookies are so good! Did you really get the flavors right without tasting it?” He nodded, tucking a stray bit of hair behind his ear as he blew on a spoonful of stew. “Incredible! They’re so good!”

“Glad you like them. They’re all for you.”  
“Really?! Are you serious?!” Sasuke allowed the tiniest smile. A Christmas miracle.

“Yeah, stupid. I’m serious.”

“HELL YEAH!”

Naruto’s hug nearly toppled Sasuke out of his chair. Just like the other day when their hands brushed, Sasuke felt a pulse of electricity shoot through him. He pushed Naruto off. His fingertips tingled. _Do I really like him so much, that just being touched by him makes me feel like this…?_

“Calm down, idiot,” he said, even though his body said _please hug me longer._ Naruto beamed, a dopey smile that made Sasuke’s chest clench. _So cute…_

Naruto insisted on clearing the table and putting the leftovers away when they were finished. He babbled the whole time about how Sasuke wouldn’t have to cook for a week now, and how good the meal had been, and how excited he was to share the leftovers. Sasuke nodded as he shoved some of the containers in the fridge and others in the freezer for a later date.

“Y’know, Sasuke, this is the first time I’ve celebrated Christmas with anyone,” he said. “I mean, I’ve been to Christmas parties and stuff, but they’re never actually _on_ Christmas ‘cause everyone’s with their families…” He trailed off, a shadowy veil falling over his eyes for a moment before the brightness within him pushed it away. “So I guess we’re like a little family now!”

That statement hit Sasuke hard. Really hard. He almost crumpled to the floor as it landed square in his chest, knocking the wind from him. _A family… I can still have… family?_

“I-I’m sorry, that was a really poor choice of words right now wasn’t it. I can’t believe I just said that, I’m so-”

Sasuke threw himself at Naruto, shutting him up with an embrace. Sasuke hugged him as hard as he could. His best friend, the person he loved in a way he’d never loved anyone else, the one who annoyed him and made him smile and made him feel things so intensely not even grief and mental illness could numb him in Naruto’s presence. That person wanted to be his family now. How could he do anything but accept? _Naruto, Naruto, Naruto._ His name was a chant his heart sang, that wrapped cozily around his mind and made his shoulders finally slump as the tension in them released. He was warm and he smelled good, and Sasuke felt safe and loved. 

“Thank you.”

Naruto didn’t ask him why he said thank you. The way he patted his back with one hand and anchored the other in Sasuke’s hair showed he understood. Sasuke buried his face in his shoulder, and he felt Naruto smile.

  
_I’m so hopelessly in love…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my page count is now at 69. nice haha ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)>⌐■-■
> 
> idk when the next chapter will be ready. so sorry in advance if it takes a long time (＠´＿｀＠) i promise i'll be working on it tho!


	7. The Move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could it be? two fluffy-ish chapters in a row? perhaps... 
> 
> tw for mental health stuff, somewhat graphic nightmare

Naruto officially moved in on New Year’s Eve. It was a very big change. For a few days, Sasuke’s apartment was in chaos. Boxes half-unpacked lay strewn about the floors and stacked on top of one another. Both of their clothes were mixed up together in a pile in the middle of the bedroom as they switched Sasuke’s meager wardrobe into Naruto’s old set of drawers and Naruto took over Sasuke’s much bigger set to house his wild over-abundance of clothing. Bare walls were suddenly covered in photographs and decorations, the fridge littered with magnets and chicken-scratch reminders. Blonde hairs appeared in the shower, Naruto’s extra shoes lined the hallway specifically to trip Sasuke up, and a handmade tablecloth Hinata had once gifted Naruto graced their kitchen table. Sasuke was glad he’d carefully tucked Itachi’s things away in a set of plastic bins beforehand to make room for Naruto, even though it had pained him to see the lingering remnants of his brother’s life disappear. _I can open the bins and have proof he lived any time,_ Sasuke reminded himself. It didn’t make him feel much better.

The biggest change was the sleeping situation. Naruto had originally brought his own bed, and they’d managed to make room for it in one corner of the bedroom. They worked for a full day straight trying to put it together again, but pieces kept breaking or were too warped to fit right and even a roll of duct tape could only get a person so far so they chucked the whole thing and said fuck it. It wasn’t like they were unused to sharing a bed. The only difference was it was Sasuke’s this time, and it was much bigger than they were used to. That wasn’t the problem.

The problem was the _fucking stuffed animals_. 

Sasuke’s bed was suddenly overrun with them. When he slept over at Naruto’s, he used to just shove them all to the foot of the bed or take them off entirely. Now that they were in a bigger bed, Naruto wouldn’t move them at all. Sasuke woke up in the middle of the night to beady little eyes staring at him from every direction. It was unnerving, not to mention uncomfortable; he kept rolling on top of them and sleeping in odd positions that made him sore as a result, or kicking Naruto in his vain attempts to get them away from him. Sasuke tried every kind of compromise he could think of- keeping them in the living room instead, moving them at bed time, putting up shelves, etc. etc. etc.- but Naruto wouldn’t budge. The toys stayed.

Sasuke supposed he shouldn’t complain. Even with the minor inconvenience of Naruto’s plushies, Sasuke was sleeping a little more than he used to. He still had nightmares, but fewer and less intense; he now only woke with a loud gasp if he made noise at all, whereas on his own he would wake up screaming. On the nights he couldn’t sleep, Naruto’s breathing beside him kept him calm enough to at least stay in bed. It was a small improvement by most standards, but for Sasuke, it was huge.

The apartment was back in order by the time they went back to school. From there, they quickly settled into a routine. Sasuke thrived on routine. It gave him a sense of stability to know exactly when Naruto would be home, and exactly what time he should start making dinner on a given day, and exactly how long it would take to go grocery shopping on Monday nights. The certainty was reassuring, and the promise of Naruto’s presence was reassuring. It was easier to get through the school day when he knew Naruto was waiting for him at the end of it. He had more room in his head for school and rehearsals when worries weren’t constantly filling it. Trying no longer felt pointless; if he wanted to keep this life he had with Naruto, then he had to work hard in school and get a decent enough job to keep a roof over their heads. 

The only new worry was his increasing dependency on Naruto to live.

He knew it was unhealthy. He knew it wasn’t normal to be swallowing panic when Naruto took five extra minutes to show up to the library. He knew it wasn’t normal to sweat at the mere idea of doing their grocery shopping on Sunday instead. He knew it wasn’t normal for his heart to race when he woke up and Naruto wasn’t in bed beside him. But then again, what about their situation _was_ normal? Sasuke was a disaster. Naruto was the one thing in his life that felt stable. It was natural to cling to him for dear life. As long as Naruto didn’t know how Sasuke felt, how dependent and in love and mixed up he was, then it was fine, right? Sasuke couldn’t protect him with physical distance anymore, so he gave in and enjoyed his proximity, basked in his presence. He just kept his emotions locked up even tighter, and he kept his mouth shut, and he squeezed his eyes shut and hoped and hoped and hoped that eventually things would be okay again. He maintained an emotional distance despite how strongly he felt for Naruto, and he considered that good enough for the time being.

It was mid-February now. One month until showtime. They were running the gun scene with sound now, but only twice a week. Sasuke’s mental state was still a bit too fragile for any more than that. The rest of the show was coming together nicely. The sets and props were nearly finished. Sai was working on costumes as fast as he could. Ino was running hair and makeup trials. Gai and Tenten were drilling the dances like crazy to make them muscle memory, and Kakashi’s “interns” were getting better with the lights, and finally, _finally_ the whole production was taking a recognizable shape. Sasuke wouldn’t admit it, but he thought Kakashi’s changes to the end of the show were brilliant. They were going to be exactly as emotionally impactful as he wanted them to be. Sasuke found himself excited for it. 

What he was not excited for was Valentine’s Day. 

He skipped school entirely. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stand it. The stupid ass babies with their stupid arrows and their stupid little safety-pinned diapers (who uses a fucking safety pin anyway? That’s how you stab your baby, morons) followed him with their eyes. Hearts would get so seared into his vision, he’d see them behind his eyelids. The sheer amount of pink should be _illegal_ . And speaking of pink… He groaned, leaning back against the bleachers. _I can only avoid Sakura for so long. I have to go to rehearsal with her, after all…._

He heard someone approaching. If it was a teacher then he was already in trouble, so it didn’t matter if he got up now. If it was some girl who managed to track him down, he’d have to break her heart. And if it was the one person he actually wanted to see… 

He listened to them hop onto the bleachers, just a flash of orange in his periphery. _Naruto…_ Despite his best attempts, Sasuke couldn’t get him out of his head. He’d never stoop so low as to actually celebrate such a ridiculous, commercialized holiday on his own, but… Naruto was probably the one person on earth who could convince him to start. He’d had the thought to anonymously send him a rose or maybe shove a box of chocolates in his locker, but he was too wimpy. The last thing he needed was for Naruto to somehow find out it was him. It would make things way too weird. Now they weren’t just best friends, they were _roommates_. Bed mates. He cringed internally. _Don’t say “bed mates”, that’s just old-timey talk for gay as fuck lovers…_

Naruto sat next to him, shivering a little at the touch of the cold metal despite his many layers of clothes. 

“Havin’ fun freezing to death out here?” he asked. Sasuke shrugged.

“I’m not cold.”

“You really are a human furnace.” He shrugged again.

“So what happened? The girls driving you insane already?” Sasuke snorted.

“Didn’t even give ‘em a chance.”

“Smart.”

Sasuke finally glanced over. Naruto held a rose, twisting it around between his fingers. Sasuke sat up, eying it, trying not to let his face betray his feelings. _Did someone ask him out? Is he in love with someone else? No, stop, he doesn’t belong to you. He’s not yours. You can’t force him to stay single just because you have feelings for him that he’ll never even reciprocate. Just be casual, be cool…._ Naruto smiled, scratching at the scars on his cheek.

“It’s from my secret admirer.” Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. Naruto’s secret admirer had been sending him roses since middle school. Nothing new. Sasuke wondered if it was Iruka who sent them so Naruto wouldn’t get all bent out of shape. Or maybe it was Sakura, feeling guilty for not being able to return his feelings. Whoever it was clearly had no intention of coming forward, so Sasuke didn’t feel threatened. Naruto gazed lovingly at the flower. He was always soft for plants- he’d obtained one or two more since he moved into Sasuke’s apartment, adding to his growing collection- and Sasuke had more than once been the person to pick up Naruto’s annual birthday bouquet on behalf of their friends. He was an artist; he was fond of beautiful things, no matter what forms those took. He was the kind of person who stared in awe at every sunset, who lost his breath when a chord was struck just right in a song, who always stopped to compliment a woman’s ring or a man’s watch, who sometimes painted his toenails just to feel pretty. It was one of the many, many things Sasuke loved about him. _God, I’m such a sap…_

Naruto turned his gaze on Sasuke. _I wonder if he ever stares at himself in the mirror just to look at his own eyes. So gorgeous…_

“Y’know, I’ve always wondered who my secret admirer is. You'd tell me if you knew, right?” Sasuke nodded.

“Of course I would.” Naruto nodded back, fingering the rose’s delicate petals. Sasuke swallowed a little. “Naruto…” He swallowed again. It was suddenly very hard to speak, and those eyes on him weren’t helping. “I was just wondering… well, since we don’t know who your secret admirer is… have you ever wondered what they might be like?” Naruto smiled a little.

“I try not to think of it. I don’t wanna ruin the surprise by trying to guess. And I don’t wanna have unfair expectations of them in case they do decide to make themselves known one day. It’s just nice to know someone out there is thinking of me.” Sasuke nodded.

“Why do you think they don’t want to come right out with it?” Naruto shrugged.

“Maybe they’re afraid of being rejected.”

“Would you reject them?” Naruto shrugged.

“Maybe? I’d have to know what kind of person they were. I think as long as they liked me for who I am, I’d be willing to give them a shot.” He laughed a little, looking up at the sky with its icy winter-blue, so sharp compared to his warm eyes. “I don’t think I’d even care if it were a guy or a girl. If they liked me for me and were genuine, then I think it wouldn’t matter.”

Sasuke’s heart slammed against the inside of his chest. _“I don’t think I’d even care if it were a guy or a girl.”_ It played over and over in his head. _Does that mean… I have a chance?_ Naruto turned to him now.

“What about you, Sasuke? You ever intend on giving someone a chance?” He blinked. _Yeah. You. I’d give you as many chances as you wanted…_

“Y-you mean, like, the girls?” _Jesus, Uchiha, get it together…!_

“Yeah. I mean, clearly you’re not interested in Sakura. But what about any of the others?” He shook his head. _I only have eyes for you. You’re the only one who matters to me…_

“I don’t think so. I… I want what you want. Someone who likes me for me, and is genuine. I don’t… think any of them know me enough to like me. They just like the idea of me.” Naruto nodded.

“I get that.”

For a moment, they just shared silence, listening to the boughs of nearby trees creaking in the wind and the occasional squall of a bird overhead. 

“I’m sure one day you’ll find what you’re looking for. Who knows? Maybe it’s already in front of you and you just haven’t seen it yet.”

Naruto may as well have put a stake through his chest. He just stared at him, and he stared back, and Sasuke could have sworn there was a knowing glint in those distractingly enchanting eyes.

“Anyway, I’m s’posed to be in math and it’s fuckin’ freezing out here. See you later?” Thoughts of all the things he should say swarmed his brain, flooding any kind of coherent response. He just barely managed to nod as he watched Naruto jump down and walk away with a wave. Sasuke waved back. Kept waving as the side door to the school shut behind him.

“I’m a fucking idiot.”

___

He’d been hiding in the library since seventh period so he could warm up; he hadn’t seen Naruto eighth period because he had to meet with Iruka for their monthly check-in. Sasuke had considered that timing a blessing; he wasn’t sure he could face Naruto right now. Was he stupid? That was clearly an invitation to confess his feelings, right? Or maybe he was reading too deeply into things. Maybe he was engaging in a bit of creative wishful thinking. Was Naruto referring to someone else? To no one in particular? Sasuke’s head was spinning. 

He sat as far away from Sakura as humanly possible during circle time, leaving her at Naruto’s mercy. Naruto had calmed down a lot with his affections over the years, so he didn’t feel too bad about it. Sasuke thought maybe Naruto had finally accepted that she wouldn’t reciprocate his feelings, and was doing something similar to what Sasuke was doing; setting them aside for the comfort and protection of the person he loved. He paused mid-stretch at the realization. _Yet another commonality. Yet another thing we can relate to each other over. But this one I can’t talk to him about…_ He sighed to himself. He was sure Neji noticed- his eyes and ears were keen as ever- but he didn’t care. _Maybe I should just say it already. Maybe just hearing the rejection I know is coming will help me stop fixating on it…_

His thoughts went around in circles throughout the run of the show. He was only half-focused on saying his lines and hitting his marks during the dances. Kakashi only snapped at him once, though, so he supposed he was less distracted than most of his peers. He stopped them to yell so many times, they could hardly make it through the entirety of the show in the few hours they had. Sasuke hoped beyond hope that they wouldn’t have to run the gun scene, but they did. 

Today was a noise day. He forced himself to take deep breaths with the gun in his hand. He refused to check it again for bullets. _There are no bullets. It’s as dangerous as a toy. No bullets, no harm. Can’t shoot Naruto if there’s no ammo. It’s okay-_ He set his shoulders and watched Naruto run across the stage. _It’s okay-_ He raised his arms, aimed. _It’s okay-_ He pulled the trigger as Naruto’s foot hit the little yellow X on the floor and the sound went off, echoing in the entire auditorium over the speakers. Naruto fell, and as Sakura picked him up he turned his head just enough to give Sasuke a wink. He felt completely immobilized, the sound of the shot still in his ears, piercingly loud. He swore he could smell blood, he could taste it, he could see a red haze on his hands in the periphery of his vision that disappeared the moment he looked too closely at them. Walking forward into the light was a Herculean task. He could barely speak the lines they’d come up with for Kakashi’s ending. He let Sakura knock him over, take the gun, point it at him. He was cold and numb and when she dragged him into a hug he couldn’t even raise his arms to hug back. He barely heard Kakashi call it a day. He only inhabited his body on a conscious level again long enough to lock the gun away and hand Kakashi the key. He sat in the dark while everyone else did circle time just so he could re-learn how to breathe.

By the time Naruto came by and collected him, he was present and aware, but very, very tired. They walked home together at a slower pace than usual. Naruto was taking fewer hours at work since he didn’t have rent to pay anymore, so they had tonight and the whole weekend together. Sasuke wanted to enjoy the time he had with Naruto, but walking up the stairs sucked out the last little dregs of his energy. He wandered straight into the bedroom, rolling onto the bed and watching as Naruto dug through his drawers for a fresh set of clothes... 

_He sat in a blank white room. The walls were infinitely far away. If he stared at one spot for too long, it grew a face. His mother. His father. His brother. The man he called "the snake". He could feel each of their death rattles on his skin, their fingers pulling at his hair. They pled for mercy, for vengeance. The tension in the air was suffocating._

_The floor was turning red. Miles of blood, as far as he could see. He could not stand. He could only let the liquid slowly engulf him, sloshing hot over his body. In the ceiling was one giant blue eye staring down at him. He felt as if he were looking into the sun, but he could not close his eyes. They burned and burned and burned._

_“You’ll never escape me.” The eye blinked, and now it was amber. The atmosphere changed, shocking his system. He had to get free. He fought, trying to break out of this trance, trying to swim up before he drowned in blood. He could hear that evil laugh. It made his bones quake. He surfaced, gasping for breath. The laugh was even louder here. Bodies hung from the ceiling with the eye at the very center. It was taunting him. "You should have listened the first time."_

_There was a gun in his hand. He was pointing it at his own chest, right over his heart. A red wave crested over his head, sinking him beneath it again._

_"Now die."_

He jolted awake with a yelp, the sound of a gunshot in his ear. It was dark out, and the room was black, and Sasuke realized he was home, in his bed, his arms locked around a stuffed animal. He set it aside, revealing Naruto’s sleeping form beside him. Sasuke stared at him as he caught his breath. Naruto seemed so peaceful when he slept. He was relaxed, and his hair was tousled, and his skin had a healthy glow. His hand was curled near his mouth. Sasuke reached out and took it in his. It was warm. Naruto’s breath puffed on the back of his hand, reminding him that he was alive. It grounded him. They were safe and together.

Naruto’s eyelids fluttered. He froze. It was too late to pull away now. And in all honesty… he didn’t want to. As scared as he was… he didn’t want to let go. If anything, he just wanted to hold Naruto closer.

“Sasuke…?” Naruto’s hand exerted just a little pressure around Sasuke’s. His heart stuttered. _He’s holding my hand back…_ “Are you okay?”

He nodded. Naruto smiled a little, edging forward and leaving the lightest kiss along Sasuke’s knuckles.

“I’m glad.”

He didn’t know how to react, so he didn’t. He just watched as Naruto slowly drifted back to sleep. He waited until his breathing was even and little snores came out from between those parted lips still pressed gently to Sasuke’s hand. _We’re together. We’re safe. We’re alive._ Sasuke squeezed his hand a little. Naruto squeezed back in his sleep. _But if I died now, I’d die happy…_


	8. The Diner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> usual tw's for mental health stuff, guns

Sasuke was hypervigilant for any changes between him and Naruto. The only difference was that now Naruto sometimes held his hand a little when they were alone. It made Sasuke’s heart flutter and heat spring to his cheeks, but he didn’t hate it. Sometimes he even initiated, threading their fingers together while they watched TV or in bed as they were falling asleep. Sasuke was relieved. He wasn’t sure he could handle something bad happening between them right now. Naruto was still his lifeline. He was still the only person he really had left. Drastically changing the nature of their relationship- or god forbid, _ending_ it- wasn’t something he was ready for right now. Being able to let go of that particular anxiety was like a weight off his shoulders.

Before he knew it, Tech Week was upon them. He always forgot just how rough it was. This year was worse than any other for the simple fact that Sasuke had to hear the gunshot two or three times in a day now instead of spread out over a week. He barely had enough time between runs to get himself back together before he had to go back out on the stage. He was in constant fight-or-flight mode, and it was quickly wearing him down. By the end of the day, he was barely able to keep his eyes open. Since they didn’t get out of rehearsal until as late as ten or eleven at night, their friends took turns carpooling. Sometimes Kiba let them tag along when his sister came to pick him up. Other times they rode with Shikamaru, Chouji, and Ino. Others still, they rode with Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo. Sasuke was normally very picky about who he’d accept a ride from and when, but at that point he would have let a rat drive them around if it meant he didn’t have to walk all the way home. He was way too tired.

It was Thursday night, and they’d just finished their last dress rehearsal. Tomorrow was their first show. Sasuke wasn’t even excited about it; he was just excited for it all to be over. Today, Kakashi made them run the final scene until it was _perfect_. Which meant they had to run it over and over and over again until he was satisfied with Sasuke’s performance- Naruto and Sakura were fine, and they all knew it, but he figured they felt too bad for him to point it out. He’d hate that more if he wasn’t actively shutting down. Sasuke had lost count of how many gunshots he heard. He got it right twice, and Kakashi should have called it there. But the man was convinced it could be even better, that the third time’s the charm. That’s where it all went downhill; Sasuke just kept messing it up more as his anxiety spiked higher and higher. He got tongue-tied, he stumbled, he broke character, he even walked away in the middle of the scene to breathe at one point. Kakashi only called it a day when it was obvious Sasuke had reached his absolute limit. When he finally let them stop, Sasuke had sunk to the floor for a solid ten minutes. To outsiders, he appeared to be staring blankly at the space between his hands. Only Sasuke could see the blood on them. Only Sasuke was dizzy with the scent of it. Only Sasuke could hear their voices, final words and dying gasps. For those few minutes, he lost touch with reality in its entirety. Kakashi had to take the gun and put it away himself. It took Naruto another five minutes to talk Sasuke back into awareness enough to be reasoned with, and then coax him into standing up. Even now, climbing the stairs up to their apartment, he didn’t feel quite as if he inhabited his own body. He staggered on legs he wasn’t sure actually belonged to him, still shaking.

Naruto made him eat something- he already forgot what, hadn’t even tasted it- and drink water. Sasuke had gotten up of his own accord to wipe away the makeup. He was careful not to make eye contact with himself in the mirror; he knew right now it would just freak him out more. He took a shower mostly to scrub the ridiculous amount of product out of his hair. Naruto passed him in the doorway as he exited, eager to take his own shower. Sasuke waited on the living room floor. He wasn’t sure why he was waiting or what he was waiting for. He found himself staring at Itachi. _What a shitty final resting place. He deservs a nicer urn, at least. Where would I even buy an urn? I guess I could go to the funeral home on the corner. They’d at least be able to tell me where to go if they don’t deal with them. What kind of urn would Itachi have wanted? Probably one with a pattern on it. Maybe something similar to our dishes. He always loved those. How do I get him in the new one? Would the funeral home do that? They’re experts, I’m sure they wouldn’t accidentally spill him or something. I suppose I could do it myself if I had a funnel, but like… that’s my brother I’d be putting through a funnel. That’s fucked up. Who the fuck thinks of something like that? Me, obviously. I guess I’m really fucking morbid. Not that that’s a surprise really, given everything that’s happened to me, but still. That’s fucked up, man…_

“Hey.”

Naruto’s soft voice roused him from his thoughts.

“You wanna go to bed?” he asked. Sasuke shrugged, not once turning away from Itachi. Naruto sat down next to him, his back against the couch. “Y’know, I only met him a few times. What was he like?”

They hadn’t broached this subject. Naruto had been careful to toe around it, and Sasuke had been grateful for it. He didn’t want to talk about it. But it seemed Naruto was tired of trying to avoid the elephant in the room, and Sasuke didn’t really blame him. 

“He was good,” Sasuke managed at last. “He was a good person. He always tried his best. He raised me well. I miss him a lot. I…” Sasuke swallowed, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I loved him.” Naruto nodded, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. Sasuke didn’t push him away. In fact, he leaned into the touch.

“I know I don’t know anything about siblings. I don’t even know much about family. But… if you ever wanna talk about it, I’m here, y’know? You can always talk to me.” Sasuke nodded.

“Same to you.” Naruto nodded back. Sasuke hesitated a moment, then rested his head on Naruto’s shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind; he rubbed Sasuke’s arm absently, lost in his own thoughts.

Sasuke wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but it was evidently long enough for him to briefly doze off. He woke up because his head had slid against Naruto’s shirt. Naruto blinked sleepily, yawning.

“Le’s go bed, ‘Suke,” Naruto slurred.

“Mm-hm…”

They tumbled into bed together, falling asleep in a tangle of limbs and warm sheets.

  
  


___

  
  


Sasuke watched Neji and Tenten try to calm Lee down long enough to do his hair and makeup through his mirror. It was a welcome distraction from how nervous he was. He’d never been this anxious before a show. Usually he exuded an easy confidence born from months of practice and the reassurance that he was quick enough on his toes to keep up with anything that might go wrong on the stage. This time, though, he was uneasy. That final scene still wasn’t perfect, everyone knew it, and Sasuke dreaded the idea that he might get crushed under the immense pressure of an audience’s eyes on him in addition to his own problems. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself, sure, but more than that, he didn’t want to throw Naruto and Sakura off by breaking character or failing to say his lines. If he had a panic attack on the stage, would Naruto rush to his aid like that time before, destroying the entire scene? Would Sakura freeze, having nothing to bounce of off and overwhelmed by having to suddenly improvise everything herself? It made his hands shake. He paused again, determined not to stab his eye with the eyeliner pencil. 

“Want some help?”

He would know that voice anywhere. He didn’t even need to glance in the mirror to see who was standing over his shoulder.

“Don’t need your help, dipshit,” he mumbled.

“Aw, don’t be like that ‘Suke! Get pumped, it’s nearly showtime!” Naruto cried, taking the seat beside him whether Sasuke wanted him to or not. _This is not helping, Naruto…_ He sighed, frustrated, and handed Naruto the pencil. He took it happily, already in full makeup himself. For such a klutz, he could be so delicate and precise; Sasuke barely felt him applying the eyeliner to his lower lid. “It’s okay if you’re nervous. I get nervous sometimes, too.” Sasuke scowled.

“I am _not_ nervous.” Naruto smiled toothily.

“Then stop bouncing your leg.” 

He cursed, pressing his knee down with both hands. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it. Naruto softened, no doubt intentionally taking his time so they could talk longer. Sasuke normally would have been annoyed, but he was too intensely aware of how close Naruto’s face was to his, how easy it would be to lean in and kiss him. He wrenched his thoughts away from that topic, thankful for the foundation and concealer covering up his blush. It almost made up for the fact that wearing it made him want to scratch his own face off. 

“It’s okay to be nervous. This show’s been really hard for you. But for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a really great job. And it’s just once today, y’know? You can do just once.”

Doubt curdled in his stomach. He almost felt like he was going to be sick. _I’m still shaken from yesterday. I don’t know if I can do this…_ As if sensing it, Naruto brightened again, smiling with squinted, vulpine eyes.

“If anyone’s strong enough to pull this off, it’s you, Sasuke! You’re the toughest, most stubborn bastard I know, after all!”

Sasuke snorted, only letting one corner of his mouth raise briefly in a smile before he turned away, taking his lipstick out of a pouch on the table. Naruto immediately plucked it from his hand.

“I’m here anyway, so I may as well.” Sasuke froze as Naruto leaned in even closer, his thumb pressing against his chin to help keep his lips parted and head still. He hoped Naruto couldn’t feel the way his pulse quickened. Sasuke watched him subconsciously mimic his expression as he applied the lipstick for him. Naruto’s lipstick nearly matched his natural color, but they somehow looked even more plush than usual, already parted as if expecting a kiss. _I can’t do that, but it can’t be a bad thing to think about it, right? Maybe it’s dangerous to indulge in thoughts like that, but I can’t help it. He’s just so…_

Naruto leaned back, and Sasuke almost frowned at the loss of his proximity. He smiled, though, and it shone like the sun on the warmest days of spring, and Sasuke couldn’t possibly be upset with that expression turned his way.

“You always look pretty, but now you’re super pretty!”

Sasuke blinked, and Naruto’s eyes widened.

“Uh-”

“Ah, hehe, um-”

“PLACES!”

They jumped at Kakashi’s sudden command, leaping to their feet and offering each other awkward bows of the head.

“Uh, we’ll uh, talk later, I guess?” Naruto asked, scratching at the back of his head and definitely ruining his hair. Sasuke smiled just a little bit, but at the floor so Naruto couldn’t see.

“Yeah, sure. Definitely.”

They parted ways. They had to be in the wings on opposite ends of the stage, so they couldn’t even try to communicate with each other without risking being seen by the audience (or even worse, Kakashi). Still, Sasuke glanced over. Naruto was watching the stage intently as Hinata finished the opening announcements and the lights went up. _Naruto called me pretty. And not in a mocking “haha, look at the pretty boy” way. He meant that I’m_ _pretty_ _pretty. Is there any way I misheard him? No, that was clear as day. He definitely meant it, too, or he wouldn’t have looked so embarrassed._

Sasuke thought about it the whole time he was waiting for his first scene to start. Between what he’d said on Valentine’s Day, and the hand-holding, and now this, it was too obvious to ignore. There was something else between them, something more, and it wasn’t one-sided. Naruto felt it, too. _How long has he known he has feelings for me, too? Was everything before today just coincidence, or has he intentionally been trying to give me hints? Am I just not getting it? Am I the stupid one this time?_

He was frustrated at the fact that he had to slip into character and concentrate. It was hard to suppress his whirlwind of thoughts and floods of mixed emotions. But he became Chino, and it all faded to a dull enough roar that he could play the part without the audience noticing anything was wrong.

Things were going well. No one had majorly flubbed yet. No wardrobe malfunctions, no missed songs or scenes, no broken props. Naruto and Sakura were in good voice. It was going almost _too_ well. Sasuke half-expected something to go seriously amiss as the intermission between Act I and Act II began. He kept his eye on the fake couch, on the sliver of metal he could see from his spot all the way back in the wings. He hated that Kakashi had made him plant it before the show began instead of between acts like he used to. He knew it was just to make sure Sasuke didn’t fuck anything up, but he really hated it. It left far too much time for someone to tamper with it. _I wish Kakashi would have listened to me about that. I’m uneasy..._

“Hey.”

He glanced over. Naruto offered him a cup of water from the cooler backstage. He drank, careful not to ruin his makeup. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”  
“Did I freak you out?”

“No.”

“Can you look at me?”

He did. Naruto looked gorgeous. Even with sweat dripping down the back of his neck and makeup smudged on the collar of his shirt, he looked beautiful. It was the eyes; they were alive with excitement and anticipation and just a little bit of nervousness. This was Naruto in his prime. He smiled that same sunny smile from earlier.

“Now was that so hard?”

Sasuke snorted, crushing the cup and shoving it in Naruto’s shirt. He squawked indignantly and Sasuke snickered under his breath, only loud enough for Naruto to hear.

“Bastard!”  
“Dumbass.”

There was no malice to their words. He was assured of it by Naruto’s little chuckle as he left to throw their cups away. Naruto’s brief presence had eased the tension, but it returned the moment Sasuke’s gaze found the gun again. The lights were starting to go down in the audience and up on the stage. Sasuke took his last relaxed breath.

Act II ushered in fresh waves of anxiety. His chest felt so tight, he wondered if it would cave in. He played his scenes on autopilot. When he finally picked the gun up again, there was no relief. He didn’t check it for bullets, because he knew there weren’t any and he knew that and he _had to stop_ . He had to stop. _I can’t let this fear control me. No one’s tampered with it. There’s no ammo. Nobody’s gonna get hurt..._

He forced himself to stay in character as he moved toward the back of the stage. He drew up false anger as Naruto- no, Tony- ran across the stage toward Sakura- Maria- and he watched their arms fling wide to embrace each other. _Shoot, shoot, shoot…!_

The sound rang out, and Chino fought Sasuke to stay in control as the lights changed colors dramatically. He lowered his arms, imagining the shaking was from rage and vindication instead of the dread that coursed through him quicker than poison.

Once he stepped into the light, it was all muscle memory. He and Maria screamed at each other, she knocked him down, the gun went skittering away, and the scene ended with her sobbing against his chest, insane with grief. The audience’s clapping was loud, whistles searing the air. In the dark they separated, and Sasuke returned to the driver’s seat as he scrambled to find the gun before he dove into the wings. He hated that he had to hold onto it while they did bows. It made him sweat even harder under the stage lights, even with it tucked beneath his waistband, out of sight, putting only himself at risk if it went off. _Except it won’t, because there’s no bullets. No one can get hurt…_ Still, he put it away the moment they disbanded, locking it up and bringing the key to Kakashi. He was glad to get rid of it, wiping his hands even though there was nothing on them, trying to scrape away the sensation of the grip and the nagging worry that there was blood on him. He wasn’t paying much attention to where he was going; next thing he knew he was in the locker room changing, even folding his costume unthinkingly. The others were busy celebrating outside. Sasuke couldn’t find it in him to rejoice with them. _Yeah, a first show well done. But I’ve got four more shows to get through. There’s a non-zero possibility of screwing up royally. I’m already exhausted, after all…_

He disrobed as fast as he could. By the time the others started filling the locker room, he was already in the showers. He watched the makeup swirl down the drain. He grunted with the effort it took to wash and comb the product out of his hair. All in all, it took several minutes longer than usual. When he finally got a towel around his waist, the other guys were starting to filter in. He avoided all of them, as was his custom, but he _especially_ avoided Naruto. _I don’t need to give myself a coronary right now. Watching him shower would definitely do it…_ His mouth went dry at the thought, shaking his head to clear it as he dressed in his own clothes. _We’ll have to run laundry tomorrow so our costumes are clean…_

“Sasuke!”  
  


He jumped. Naruto leaned on end of the aisle, still dripping wet with one towel hanging from his hips and another draped across his shoulders. Leftover eyeliner was still smudged beneath his eyes.

“A few of us are gonna go to the diner down the street. Wanna come? And before you say no, consider this: I don’t have my keys, so you’ll have to stay up to let me in anyway.” Sasuke sighed. _I truly don’t want to be around people anymore. Are you just excited that things went well, or are you trying to put off the talk you promised? I guess it doesn’t matter. I’ll have to be up anyway. If I go with them I’ll be able to eat a meal I don’t have to cook…._

“Fine. I’ll come.”

“YAY!” he cried, careening into him so hard they nearly tumbled to the floor together. Sasuke’s heart leapt into his throat, his skin flaring as if on fire everywhere Naruto touched.

“Get off me, stupid! And put some clothes on!” His voice cracked humiliatingly. Naruto laughed it off, shuffling to the side and picking up his pants. 

“Jeez, Sasuke, you wanna scream a little louder?” came Kiba’s voice as he ambled by, stopping to cock his hip against the end of the aisle. He was at least wearing pants, still shirtless as he rubbed his hair dry. 

“Like you wouldn’t scream if a naked guy jumped on you,” Shikamaru drawled, smacking Kiba in the head with his towel. 

“Hey, that hurt!” he yowled, rolling his towel and trying to whip Shikamaru with it. He missed. “And why are you taking Sasuke’s side?”  
“I dunno, Kiba, maybe ‘cause he’s the one being harassed?”

“Hey, I’m not harassing him! And I was covered, Shika!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes, zipping his backpack shut and slinging it over his shoulders. He shoved Naruto as he passed.

“Hey, where are you going, bastard?! We’re all going together!”

“I’m just getting water, idiot! What, do I need your permission to move freely?” 

“He’s just concerned for his boyfriend’s well-being,” Sai said. Sasuke flipped him the bird as he passed and the others started laughing. _Going along with one of the longest-running jokes in the club won’t make you a part of the in-group, asshole. Just shut up and sew your buttons._ All he said, though, was “get bent, loser”. 

“Gladly! Just let me know when and where.”

“You’re disgusting,” Sasuke sneered, leaving. His face was so hot, he could probably cook an egg on his forehead. He needed that water _desperately_ now. _Stupid Sai. I hate that guy. What right does he have to make that kind of joke? He hardly knows either of us. With the others it’s different, we’ve been through school together for so long, and they were there when that rumor started. Sai doesn’t know anything. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid…_

He decided to walk to the diner alone, setting their large table aside for when the rest showed up. He’d assumed it would be the usual crowd, and he was quickly proved correct as Naruto and Kiba’s voices became audible at the front. Sasuke just drank his coffee, tilting his head in greeting as they filtered into their usual spots. All except Sai, who decided to sit right next to him, in the spot normally designated for Naruto. 

“Get the _fuck_ away from me,” he growled before Sai’s ass even hit the chair. He put on another fake smile.

“Apologies, Sasuke. Is this seat taken?” He swung his legs over it.

“Yes.”

“Sasuke, don’t be mean!” Ino admonished.

“Shut up and get some control over your pet.” She gasped, affronted.

“Pet?! He’s a human being, Sasuke! I would never treat another person like a pet!” He snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” She narrowed her eyes, but patted the seat next to her in invitation nonetheless. He glared at Sai the whole time, dropping his legs so Naruto could sit.

“I can’t believe you guys let me walk around with all that eyeliner still on my face,” he whined as he returned to the bathroom, plopping into the seat beside Sasuke. He resisted the urge to lean against him, instead drinking more of his coffee. He focused on the bitter taste instead of Naruto’s sweet face, and the warmth of the mug instead of Naruto’s body heat. 

He maintained his usual silence, the others’ chattering washing over him. Ino and Sakura bickered. Chouji and Shikamaru gossiped. Kiba caused trouble, shooting straw wrappers and tossing napkin balls while Hinata tried to rein him in. Aside from Sai, all was as it should be. They ordered their food. Sasuke forcibly took his time eating his sandwich and fries, even though he was hungry. He was so nervous earlier, he’d hadn’t been able to eat anything that day but an orange. He refused to let that show. Naruto had no such reservations; he ate with the same zeal he acted and spoke. He had a zest for life Sasuke couldn’t embody himself. Maybe that was why he adored him so much. _Don’t stare. We’ll talk soon. He always keeps his word. I just hope… please, Naruto, please share my feelings…_

“Sasuke, Sasuke, this milkshake is way too big! Drink some!” he urged. Sasuke rolled his eyes, but drank anyway, only because Naruto was the one asking. Mint chocolate chip. Sasuke always wondered why Naruto didn’t go for something sweeter, like strawberry or banana. _Maybe there’s a such thing as too sweet even for someone like Naruto…_

“You do this every time,” Shikamaru tutted. “You get excited and order the biggest one you can, then never finish it.” Naruto laughed boisterously, scratching at the back of his head.

“Guilty as charged! Is that really a problem, though? Someone always ends up getting free milkshake, so it’s a win all around!”

“Yeah, usually Sasuke, who doesn’t even like sweets.” 

He glanced up at the mention of his name, shrugging.

“It’s got mint,” he offered by way of explanation.

“So what?”

“It balances the sweetness.”

“Alright, smartass, then what about when he gets the chocolate peanut butter?” Kiba said. Sasuke scowled, and Naruto answered before he could.

“He loves peanut butter! I caught him eating a spoonful out of the container the other day.”  
“Hey!”

“And the coffee flavor?” Shikamaru interrupted before they could get into it. 

“He always adds some of his own coffee to it,” Chouji pointed out. “I bet the bitterness of the black coffee dulls the sweetness, right?” He wasn’t sure why Chouji feigned a beginner’s understanding of food- the guy knew damn well how the flavors worked, he was slated to go to culinary school once they graduated- but he went along with it and nodded.

“Alright, alright. It still seems odd to me,” Shikamaru gave in, swirling his Coke around his glass, making the ice cubes clink. Sasuke defiantly drank even more of the milkshake, cringing as he sucked a glob of chocolate syrup up the straw. Shikamaru smirked. 

“Shut up,” Sasuke coughed. Thankfully, nobody else seemed to notice.

The truth was, Sasuke really didn’t like the milkshakes. The coffee ones were the easiest to make tolerable. The mint chocolate chip and chocolate peanut butter ones were usually way too sweet, the ratio of chocolate to the other flavor always far too high for him. But at this point, it was basically tradiiton for them to eat off each other’s plates and finish each other’s food. Sasuke also ate the tomatoes off Naruto’s burger. In exchange, Naruto took the sweet pickle from Sasuke’s sandwich and a handful of fries he knew he wouldn’t finish. The portions were always too big, but Sasuke was too stubborn to admit it.

Sasuke felt something touch his leg, nearly making him jump. It was Naruto’s hand. Right there on his thigh. They made eye contact. “ _What the hell are you doing?!”_ Sasuke’s raised brow asked. “ _Don’t worry about it,”_ Naruto’s wink replied. Sasuke tilted his head. _“Stop fucking around Naruto.”_ He softened, his thumb making a little circle on Sasuke’s jeans. His gaze flickered between the others and Sasuke. _“Let’s get away from them.”_ It wasn’t often Naruto signalled he wanted to leave, so when he did, Sasuke made it happen almost instantly. He gave Naruto a private smirk. _“Leave it to me.”_

He stomped on Naruto’s foot, making him howl in surprise more than pain.

“What the hell, bastard?!” he cried.

“I told you, quit leaning on me like that, stupid!”  
“Excuse me for being fuckin’ tired!”  
“Guys, stop!” Sakura fretted, glancing around at the other customers. None of them actually seemed to care; even the waitress just blew a bubble with her gum, accustomed to the group’s antics. Sakura seemed to think they were staring though.

“Tell it to this guy!” Naruto argued, jabbing Sasuke’s elbow harder than necessary. He shoved him back.

“Watch it, moron!”

“Hey, enough!” Ino snapped. “Go outside and cool off!”

That was exactly what they were hoping she'd say. Sasuke snorted.

“Fine by me.” He grabbed Naruto by the back of his shirt, hoisting him out of his seat and dragging him toward the side door. Naruto complained loudly and, Sasuke knew, falsely.

It was bitterly cold outside. Winter wasn’t releasing her hold over the city just yet, waging a losing war against the coming spring. Sasuke let go of Naruto once they were out of sight from the diners, walking together toward the alley behind the building. They let their shoulders bump together amicably a few times, assuring each other things were good, it was all just acting. Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets, leaning against the brick wall. Naruto zipped his jacket down a little, tugging at his collar as if warm and clearing his throat. Sasuke could tell by the dim light of the streetlamp that Naruto was actually sweating a bit.

“So we’re gonna talk here?” he asked. Naruto nodded.

“It’s as good a place and time as any, right?” Sasuke shrugged, waiting. Naruto swallowed, pacing a little. “So uh, about what I said earlier…” He sighed. “I meant it. I… _do_ think you’re pretty. I have for… a while…” He smiled, but there was no joy in it. Just an anxious baring of teeth. “I didn’t say anything ‘cause I was worried about ruining the friendship. Especially since we live together now. And I… I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but part of me is… I’m glad you know. How I feel. ‘Cause I’m not sure how much longer I would have been able to keep it to myself, anyway.”  
  


Sasuke wished he could figure out what to do or say. He knew Naruto would just talk himself into a corner if he let this continue. _He likes me back. He’s liked me back for a while. I can’t believe I was so blind. I was so scared. Naruto…_ Naruto gave a watery laugh.

“I can’t believe I’m really doing this right now. You probably hate me, I should just shut up and leave you alo-”

Naruto’s lips were even softer than Sasuke had imagined. They tasted just a little bit like chocolate still. Sasuke felt Naruto’s light fill his whole being, blinding him. They stumbled back against the other wall. Sasuke stroked Naruto’s cheek, asking for permission, a response, _something_ . Naruto’s reply was loud even without his voice; his arms wrapped tight around Sasuke’s waist, and he arched just a little against him, inviting Sasuke to lean against him with his whole weight. Their heads tilted to the side, deepening the kiss. _I’m kissing Naruto. I’m kissing Naruto and…_ It felt more right than anything ever had before. Their hearts beat fast against each other. He felt Naruto’s body relax. _He’s enjoying this…_ A glorious heat was sweeping through Sasuke’s body. He felt alive and bright. He was infused with an energy he’d never felt before. He almost wanted to run just to burn it off. Naruto’s tongue swiped experimentally against Sasuke’s, and he nearly passed out, moaning into Naruto’s mouth before forcing himself to separate. His breath puffed visibly in the air between them, mixing with Naruto’s into one cloud. That same electrical current from previous encounters was running through his whole body now, making him tremble a bit.

“I like you, too. I’ve liked you for years,” Sasuke admitted in a rush, already itching to be touching him again. The bricks against his palms were grounding, but he wanted to lose control. He wanted to lose himself in Naruto. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t wanna scare you away, you’re all I have, I.... fuck…”

He leaned in, this kiss more aggressive, more desperate, betraying the neediness he felt. Naruto gasped, hooking his arms under Sasuke’s and balling his hands into fists around the back of his jacket. Sasuke anchored one hand firmly into Naruto’s hair, the other squeezing his hip. Sasuke saw fireworks behind his eyes.

He wasn’t sure how long they stood there, kissing in the cold, trying to meld into one another. He wasn’t sure who even broke the kiss. Now they just stayed tangled up in each other, their foreheads pressed together. A lock of Sasuke’s hair tickled Naruto’s cheek; he reached up and tucked it behind Sasuke’s ear for him. It was such a tender gesture. It nearly broke Sasuke’s composure down entirely.

“Naruto…”

“Sasuke…”

Something moved in the corner of his eye. He launched himself away from Naruto, dropping immediately into a fighting stance. There was nothing there. No one, nothing. He blinked, panting hard, heart racing for a different reason now.

“Dude, what the hell?”

“I thought… I thought I saw something…”

Naruto’s brows knit together in concern.

“Has sleeping been that bad lately?” Sasuke shook his head. He’d gone long enough without sleeping to hallucinate before, but this wasn't one of those times. _I slept. Why am I seeing things…?_ He straightened, stuffing his hands back into his pockets.

“Guess I’m just a little jumpy.” Naruto nodded understandingly, clapping a hand over his shoulder. 

“Why don’t we go home, ‘Suke?” he offered with a smile.

He nodded. Home sounded good.


	9. The Possibilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this took about a thousand years longer to update than i thought it would. sorry for the wait everyone! usual tw's for mental health stuff, very mild implied homophobia i guess??

They spent the morning in a rose-colored haze. Naruto had fallen asleep with a kiss from Sasuke, and Sasuke had woken up to a kiss from Naruto. They worked in tandem to make breakfast, then held hands at the table while they ate. Sasuke refused to be embarrassed about it. He’d waited far too long for this to let his own brain sabotage it. Naruto’s presence glowed beside him, and sure it made him blush, but it also made him smile. He was in a good mood even as they hauled their laundry to the cleaners. They teased each other and chatted, Naruto perched on top of the washing machine and Sasuke half-reading a book in a chair opposite him. Sasuke felt like he was floating. He understood now what “being on cloud nine” meant. He felt giddy with every brush of their fingers and he blushed every time Naruto smiled at him and he didn’t have to worry about hiding it from him anymore. They stood so close together while they folded their clothes, they may as well have been attached at the hip. They squabbled over which sock belonged to whom, Naruto tutted about how Sasuke should wear more color, and Sasuke clucked his tongue at Naruto’s ridiculous patterned boxers. It was normal but also brand-new, and Sasuke loved it.

It wasn’t until after they’d brought their laundry home and started walking to the school that he started thinking anxious thoughts again. 

They were holding hands, walking in a tunnel created by construction barricades and awnings on the sidewalk. Naruto was smiling and warm. He was a little ball of light at his side. Sasuke’s worries were a dark cloud that would smother it, and he wondered if it was better to do it sooner rather than later. The choice was taken from him; Naruto’s smile faded, one eyebrow raised.

“What’s wrong?” The grip on his hand tightened. Sasuke squeezed back. He swallowed, forcing his lips to twitch upward a little.

“Nothing, really.” Naruto pouted. Sasuke’s lie wasn’t nearly convincing enough.

“Lemme guess: you’re wondering how the fuck we’re gonna keep this a secret from the others, right?”

He swallowed. _He reads me like I’m some kind of open book…_

“You _do_ wanna keep it a secret, don’t you?” Sasuke swallowed again.

“I-I don’t know. I didn’t…” _Go ahead, say it. “I didn’t think that far ahead.” Just admit it…_ Naruto saved him from himself with a shrug.

“It’s okay. They’ve been joking about it for so many years, it shouldn’t really be a surprise, but there’s still some fear that they won’t accept it, right? I get it.” Sasuke nodded dumbly. “Let’s do this, then: if they ask, we won’t deny it. In the meantime, we’ll just act how we usually do. Discreet. I can be discreet.”

“I know,” Sasuke said quickly. “I know.”

“I mean, part of me wants to be super loud and proud about it,” Naruto continued, “but… I know that wouldn’t be comfortable for you. We’re a couple, I have to take your needs into consideration too, right? So we’ll keep it private, for now at least. Sound good?” He nodded. It was exactly what Sasuke would have proposed had he thought about it for a few minutes. Ambiguous, discreet, quiet, all of those words were perfect. “Cool.” 

Naruto suddenly swept Sasuke into his arms, waggling his eyebrows.

“Besides, it’s kinda nice to keep you my little secret.” He snorted, pushing Naruto away as he made an obnoxious kissy face. Just like that, the tension was gone. 

“This is the furthest thing from discreet, moron.”

They pushed each other around as they neared the corner, laughing. Naruto’s hair was still damp from his earlier shower, and his nose was a little red from the lingering cold, and Sasuke loved him so much he thought he could just burst. Instead he just gave Naruto’s hand one last squeeze before they crossed the street, stuffing his hands in his pockets as they found themselves just a block from the school.

Sasuke’s anxiety spiked again as they entered the locker room to change into their costumes. The other guys hardly looked up, greeting them loudly as usually. 

“You guys smooth things over?” Kiba asked.

“Nobody’s got a black eye or a limp so I’m assuming they did,” Shikamaru deadpanned.

“Yeah, we’re fine, you know how it goes,” Naruto dismissed, pulling his shirt over his head. Sasuke made it a point to change with his back to Naruto, just in case something in his face gave them away. He didn’t want to think about Naruto’s unclothed skin anyway, not now. The thought that one day they’d see each other undressed in an erotic sense was almost more than Sasuke could handle right then. _Relax, relax, relax. Take it slow. It’ll happen when it happens. For now, enjoy the puppy love. Let it be sweet. We have the rest of forever to be like that together, after all…_

“Uchiha! Mr. Hatake wants you!” Neji said from somewhere in the back. Sasuke groaned, tossing his vest on and his jacket over his shoulder.

“Ooh, you’re in _trouble_!” Naruto taunted in a little sing-song, balancing on one foot as he put on his pants. Sasuke knocked him over with one light push. “Ah, you fucker!”

Sasuke heard the others jeering as he left. Kakashi was waiting in the backstage area, slouching as usual, a book in one hand and the other in his pocket. 

“Enjoying your softcore porn?” Sasuke sniped. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

“It’s called _erotica_. It’s literature.”

“Whatever. Whattya want?” He dangled a set of keys from his finger.

“Time for the gun.”

Sasuke soured. 

“I still hate that we’re planting it before the show starts. It feels like a bad idea.”

“Who’s the adult here, Sasuke?” He sighed irritably.

“You.”  
“Exactly. And who’s got two decades of theatre experience on you?”

“You,” he answered with the world’s most dramatic eye roll.

“Okay. So you can trust me to make this decision, right?”

“I guess,” he grumbled.

Kakashi unlocked the briefcase. Sasuke eyed the door, feeling as if someone was standing outside. _You’re just being paranoid. Calm down, calm down…_ The gun was cold in his hand. As much as he hated planting it before the show started, it was always a relief to have it out of his hands for a while. He checked it, as always, for bullets. Kakashi had the good sense not to comment on it. He clapped his hand over Sasuke’s shoulder. There was something resembling compassion in his eyes.

“It’s alright, kid. Just trust me.”

Sasuke snorted, shrugging his hand off. _Like I’ve never heard that line before…_

He left the gun on the hook built into the back of the prop couch. The stage crew and assisting underclassmen didn’t seem to be paying much attention to him at all, flitting about trying to get the stage together as quickly as possible. Still, he couldn’t shake the sensation of being watched. _There’s no one looking. No one’s out to get you. Things are good. You’re just freaking out because you’re not used to things being good. It’s okay. Just chill out…_ He forced himself to walk away.

They didn’t have much time to get ready. Kakashi had asked them to come as late as possible, knowing that a bunch of teenagers wouldn’t be too keen on an early-morning dress rehearsal and clearly having given up pretending he could wrangle them all competently. Sasuke didn’t half-ass his makeup, so to speak, but it definitely didn’t look as good as when Naruto had sat down and lovingly done it for him yesterday. Oh well.

“Hey, Sasuke!” _Speak of the devil-_

“Hn?” he replied, focusing on his eyeliner.

“Wanna go to the diner for lunch between shows? We’re tryna get the whole cast to go!” Sasuke considered this a moment.

“You got diner money?”

“Yeah, I got ya!”

“Alright then.”

The little glow that lit in his heart kept him warm even as they had to sprint to their places, Sasuke still feeling disheveled even though he was nearly as well-put-together as last night. _Maybe it’s not a proper date, but I like to think it counts. It’ll be our first time out together as a couple. Everybody was leaving when we met back up with them again last night, after all, so it’s not like that could count as our first date…_

He tried to push thoughts of Naruto aside as he walked out onstage. He was Chino now, and Maria was the focus of his romantic attention. He did not think about how he’d rather have Naruto’s big hands in his than Sakura’s dainty little ones. He didn’t think about how he’d rather admire blonde hair than pink. He especially didn’t think about how he’d rather have a set of clear cerulean eyes gazing at him like that than green. 

Nope, not even a little. 

He sighed. The gun was harder to hold than ever. Pointing it at Naruto’s back had him holding back tears for entirely new reasons. It hurt. It hurt to even pretend he wanted Naruto dead. But he pushed those feelings aside and took the shot- pretended to, _pretended_ to take the shot- and the whole scene was just an inner monologue of _as dangerous as a toy, as dangerous as a toy, as dangerous as a toy_. 

He tugged at his collar backstage after the bows, waiting for Kakashi to come take the keys. When the man didn’t appear in a timely enough fashion, Sasuke grunted and went searching for him. He didn’t even bother with the formality of speech; he just took his hand, slapped the keys into his palm, and stalked off. He didn’t bother changing fully out of his costume, either. He just threw on a different shirt and jacket. They had just enough time to walk to the diner, eat, and walk back as long as they didn’t screw around too much. Neji had been smart enough to call ahead and let them know how many people were coming, so they could at least prepared for the large group.

Naruto walked beside Sasuke, but spoke with the others. Sasuke spent most of the walk giving Sakura one-word answers to various questions and statements until she gave up, and outright ignoring everyone else. The only person he wanted to pay attention to was Naruto, and the only person he wanted attention from was Naruto. Sitting down beside him was a comfort he craved, that he allowed himself to indulge in. Sasuke’s right foot crossed over Naruto’s left beneath the table. It was minimal contact, hardly notable even if someone did catch it, but it meant everything to Sasuke. They shared their meals and a milkshake- coffee flavored, thank _god-_ like usual. Naruto talked and talked and talked, and Sasuke sat in almost complete silence. Again, he had the feeling of things being entirely normal, yet still somehow new. _I’m glad we’re not going public yet. I… kinda like having you be my little secret, too, Naruto…_

He felt someone staring. He glanced over quickly, and he couldn’t be entirely certain, but he could have sworn by the way her hair swung that Hinata had been looking their way. He brushed it off. _Harmless. She was probably staring at Naruto. I do feel a little bad about that. She’ll probably be crushed when she finds out we’re together. It’s no secret she’s had a crush on him since the dawn of time. Snooze ya lose, I guess…_ His gaze cut over to Sai. _You’re the one I’m nervous about. You’ve come onto both of us before. If he finds out about us, we’ll never hear the end of it. If he asks for a threesome I’ll knock his teeth out, I swear to-_

His thoughts froze as Naruto’s hand settled on top of his under the table. He glanced up at him. Naruto smiled brightly, rubbing his knuckles with his thumb. Sasuke wanted to lean on him, but instead he bumped their shoulders together.

“Hey, lovebirds! You wanna make eyes, go do it somewhere else!” Kiba teased. Sasuke felt a column of flame shoot up his spine, heating his face. He couldn’t even come up with a response.

“As if you weren’t making eyes at Ino ten seconds ago,” Naruto sniped back. Kiba’s face went ruddy and several of the group went “ooh!” in response.

“Hey, I was not!”

“Yeah, okay,” Shikamaru snorted.

“I wasn’t!”

“Aw, c’mon dog boy, it’s okay if you were. You’re kinda cute, after all.”

“Ino!”

Naruto’s knee nudged Sasuke’s. He shot him a lopsided smirk, as if to say _mission accomplished_ . Sasuke couldn’t help but smirk back a little around the straw in their milkshake. _Yes, yes, crisis averted. Thanks, Naruto._ He said that with a little squeeze to Naruto’s knee under the table. 

They finished their meals and paid, rushing back to the school. Sasuke was glad he hadn’t completely changed- watching Lee and Kiba race each other to change back made him even more certain of that decision- and relieved that Naruto was too busy heckling Sai over something a few rows down to change near him. _Last show today. You can do this. Just don’t get distracted. Keep your head. You got this…_ The group made their way backstage. Sasuke hung toward the rear, trying to keep away from the others. He went to pass behind the back curtain to cross the stage when someone grabbed his wrist, pulling him into their chest. He gasped, reeling back to fight when the scent of them washed over him.

“Naruto!” he snapped. “What the fuck?!”

“I’m sorry.”

Their lips met as Naruto swept him aside, his back against the wall. He didn’t even struggle; he just melted into the kiss, his fists balled in the front of Naruto’s shirt. He could feel Naruto smile against him, only able to see the faint glimmer of his eyes in the pitch dark.

“You just seemed so tense the last show. Relax. You’re not actual shooting me.” Sasuke grimaced.

“I know.” Naruto rubbed his arm a little, this kiss softer than the last.

“You can do this. Break a leg, bastard.” Sasuke pecked him on the lips.

“You too, stupid.”

The second show did go much better. Sasuke didn’t know how Naruto managed to send him reassuring smiles and glances while acting, or from the wings across the stage without getting caught, but he did. It kept Sasuke stable throughout the performance. It wasn’t until he had the gun in his hand again and was pointing it at Naruto that his anxiety peaked again. And then, before he knew it, the scene was over. The noise of the gunshot still made his skin prickle everywhere, and he still hated having the gun on his person during the bows, but soon he was putting it back in the case and Naruto’s arm was around his shoulder and things felt… okay-ish. Not great, definitely, but better than usual. _Maybe I’m finally getting over it,_ he thought as he changed, Naruto fielding most of the compliments and congratulations from the others on his behalf. _Maybe the tomorrow’s performances will go even better. Maybe by the time our last show ends tomorrow night I’ll be in a better place, I’ll finally be able to say I accomplished something with this…_ The thought made him feel good. He felt confident, for once, in his abilities. _And it’s all thanks to Naruto…_

They hitched a ride home with Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo. It was cramped, especially for Naruto since he was in the middle seat, but he didn’t complain. He just chattered excitedly with Karin beside him, with only occasional snarky remarks from Suigetsu while he drove. Juugo sat shotgun, quiet as always, and Sasuke could sort of vibe with him even though he was in the corner furthest from him. Sasuke was too tired to join in the ruckus. He spaced out with his head against the window, enjoying the sound of Naruto and Karin and Suigetsu talking, enjoying the hum of the car and Juugo’s silence and the fact that he was surrounded by friends. By the time they rolled to a stop in front of their building, Naruto was starting to yawn, too.

“Alright, moron, let’s go,” Sasuke coaxed as he got out of the car. Naruto was lingering with Karin, and to his surprise, they shared a hug as they parted. Naruto bounded out after him toward the door, waving to the others as they sped off. _Weird. Karin’s not usually one for physical contact she didn’t initiate herself. I must have missed something important…_

Naruto beamed the entire way up the stairs. He was still smiling as they kicked off their shoes and Sasuke locked up behind him. He followed Naruto down the hallway, stopping just behind him. He was just standing in the empty area between the kitchen and living room. Sasuke realized he was trembling.

“Naru-?”

He turned around with tears in his eyes, throwing himself at Sasuke. He barely reacted fast enough to catch him.

“What happened?! What’s wrong?!”

“Karin! She, I-!” He hiccuped, burying his face in Sasuke’s chest. He wrapped his arms around him, patting his back, hoping he was being comforting instead of awkward. It took Naruto a while to get himself together again, peeling off him to wipe his face on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

“Gross, at least let me get you-”

“I think Karin and I are related!”

Sasuke’s eyes widened, then widened even more as he realized just how much that meant.

“ _What_?” he asked, incredulous. Naruto nodded, his smile wobbling with the threat of more tears.

“We were talking, and she said it was funny my last name’s Uzumaki, ‘cause her mom’s maiden name was Uzumaki. And I told her Uzumaki was my mom’s last name, that’s where I got it from. She asked me if I knew my mom’s name, so I told her yeah, it’s Kushina, and she said it sounded familiar, so I’m gonna go over to her place tomorrow before the show and we’re gonna look through her photo albums together and see if we can find her, and I, I-!” He hiccuped again. “I’m just so _happy_ , Sasuke!”

He threw himself into his arms again, crying what Sasuke now understood were tears of joy. He carded his fingers through Naruto’s hair, holding him tight. _I’m happy for him. For the first time, he’ll be able to experience what having family feels like. He’ll know what it is to have kin…_

Still, a piece of him worried for Naruto. Family was one of the most painful things a person could have, after all. _I just hope he doesn’t end up hurt…_

That night, after Naruto fell asleep, Sasuke crept out to the living room and picked Itachi’s urn up, sitting on the floor with him.

“If Naruto does have family out there, then that means he might want to spend time with them. He might forge relationships with them like you and I had, like we had with our parents. I want him to be happy. He deserves to know what kinship feels like, what having a family feels like, but I’m… afraid for him. What if they end up hurting him? Or worse… what if my bitterness or jealousy or whatever gets in the way of his happiness?” Sasuke swallowed. “You were never resentful of anyone or anything, Nii-san. You didn’t have a jealous bone in your body. If you were in my place, you’d only ever be happy for him. Please, help me be like you. I want to be happy for him. I don’t want to be resentful of the fact that he might have family when mine’s gone. I don’t want my feelings to sabotage his. So… please…”

He sighed. He didn’t know what he was trying to ask. _And anyway, you’re just a pile of ashes. What could you possibly do to help?_ He set Itachi back on his shelf, taking a few moments to just gaze over his resting place. _I’ve made up my mind, then. No matter what, I’ll support Naruto. He deserves at least that much…._

  
He crawled back into bed. Naruto had become a starfish in the middle of it, choking out a stuffed animal in one arm with one leg dangling completely off the mattress. Sasuke shoved him over and rearranged the blankets. He curled up against Naruto’s back, his arm slung over his hip. He breathed the scent of Naruto’s hair, tried to make his breathing match Naruto’s pace, bathed in his warmth. _Things will be okay,_ he thought. _They have to be…_


	10. The Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for gun violence, blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe how long this took me to post, i'm sorry ꒰๑•̥﹏•̥๑꒱ my personal life has been A Mess but things are good now! hope you enjoy the angst >:3

Sasuke woke up alone for the first time in a while. 

The apartment was silent save for the creaking of floorboards beneath his feet and the ticking of a clock on the wall. Naruto’s shoes weren’t at the door, which he had carelessly left unlocked. Sasuke bolted it again, tutting at the keys he’d left on their hook and pocketing them for later. _I wonder how long ago he left. I must have been sleeping pretty deeply if I didn’t hear him go. Did he get there okay?_ He jumped as the phone rang in the living room. _I swear if that’s him…_

He padded over and picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey Sasuke, it’s me! I figured you’d be up by now, I’m with Karin and you won’t believe it- we’re related! Isn’t that great?” Naruto rambled. _Chipper as always…_

“Uh… yeah,” Sasuke replied with his crackly morning voice.

“Okay okay, I know you just woke up, I won’t keep you on long. Can you do me a favor though?”

“Bring you your keys and meet you at school early so you can tell me everything?” he guessed.

“Stole the words right outta my mouth! I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Yeah. See you then.”  
“Alright, love you, bye!”

“Uh-”

The line went dead. Sasuke set the phone down gently, then sank to the floor. _He just said “love you”. For the first time, he said I love you. Did he even notice he said that? Where would he have gotten that from? He’s never said “love you” at the end of our calls before, and it’s hard to imagine there’s anyone else in his life he’d say that to often enough that it was just a weird muscle memory thing. He… loves me…?_

Sasuke let out a giddy little screech, flopping back on the floor and covering his face.

“Naruto loves me,” he said to himself, to the walls, to no one and to the whole universe at once. “He loves me!” He blinked. “And I didn’t get a chance to say I love him, too.” He sat back up. _I don’t know where he was calling from. Probably a payphone. Can’t call him back then…_ He nodded to himself. “Okay, I’ll say it back today. As soon as I get a chance.” He nodded again, determined. “I’ll tell Naruto I love him, too.”

He couldn’t suppress his smile or his blush. He all but danced around his apartment as he prepped lunches for the both of them and ate his own breakfast. He sang in the shower and while he combed his hair. It was all he could do to keep himself from skipping down to the school. _Naruto loves me, Naruto loves me!_ his thoughts chimed. _Nothing could possibly ruin this day!_

He found Naruto backstage, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, leafing through a photo album with a smile. He gave Sasuke a hug as he sat down beside him, and in the empty area he felt safe enough to leave a kiss on the top of Naruto’s head. He beamed, shoving one side of the album into Sasuke’s lap.

“Come look with me!” He pointed to a young girl with flaming red hair and an eerily familiar smile. “That’s my mom, Kushina. That’s Karin’s mom, Ritsuko.” He pointed to a slightly older girl, equally red hair cut clean and short, with a cunning glint to her eye. “They were cousins! So that makes Karin my cousin, too! I think.” He pointed to the adults in the picture, naming an Aunt Shiori as Karin’s grandmother, a woman named Kazusa as his own grandmother, an Uncle Yasutake as Karin’s grandfather, and a man named Namio as his own grandfather. As they flipped through more pages, he pointed out others: Mochiaki, Futaba, Keigo, Ikumi, Hisae, Chiyoko, Daishin… The names swam in Sasuke’s head, too many for even him to remember. It was astounding to him that nearly everyone had some shade of red hair.. _Just like my family. Almost everyone had dark, dark hair. Both of us have strong genes in us…_ “And look, Sasuke!” he said, pointing to another page. All three pictures were clearly of Kushina, all grown-up, next to a man with familiar blonde hair and blue eyes. “That’s my mom and dad! I’ve never seen these pictures before. This must have been after they got engaged ‘cause look, she has a ring on her finger now!” 

Sasuke nodded. They looked happy, smiling authentically for the camera. He could see where Naruto got his cheerfulness from. In the first picture they simply stood side-by-side. The other two were candids- one with their noses pressed together playfully, maybe about to kiss, and another of Kushina’s back against Minato’s chest. She was laughing hard, tears at the corners of her eyes, Minato’s hands somewhere on her abdomen hidden by her legs, perhaps tickling her. He was laughing too, much less pronounced. They were photos of a couple clearly in love. _I wonder if Naruto and I will have pictures like this together someday…_

“What was your dad’s name?” he asked, in pure curiosity.

“Minato Namikaze.” Sasuke nodded.

“You have his color and build,” he noted, “but everything else is your mom. Especially your face.” Naruto hummed an agreement.

“That’s what Karin said, too. Which of their smiles do I have?” 

“Her smile, definitely.” He nodded.

“We were having trouble with that.” Sasuke nodded again, turning back a few pages. “Something else. Look, see your grandfather’s ears?”

“Yeah, what about ‘em?”

“They’re the same as yours.”

“I have my grandpa’s ears?”  
“Appears so.”

Naruto smiled. It wasn’t the sunshiney grin he was used to. It was melancholy and his eyes greyed like the sky just before rain fell. Sasuke slung an arm around him as he sniffled, holding back tears.

“I never thought I’d get to do this,” he said. “I never thought…” Sasuke nodded, pressing another kiss to his temple as he started to cry. Fat teardrops plopped onto the pages of the photo album; Sasuke wiped them away and shut it so nothing would get ruined, setting it aside near Naruto’s bag. “I’m happy I have family, I really am, but Sasuke, I…” He hiccuped. Sasuke wiped his tears on his sleeve, and Naruto pushed him away. “I’ll get you all gross.”

“I have to change anyway.”

Naruto took that as the invitation Sasuke intended it to be, burying his face in his sweatshirt and sobbing outright.

“I’m so happy,” he said again. “So why does it hurt so bad?”

Sasuke closed his eyes, pretending his heart wasn’t shattering into a million pieces. He didn’t have anything comforting to say, so he just petted Naruto’s hair and rubbed his back and held him as close as he could. He understood why it hurt. _If I looked through my old albums, I’d hurt for the people I’ve lost. But for Naruto, it’s an ache for people he never got a chance to know. His pain is different from mine, but I understand it…_

Sasuke heard people approaching. Sasuke had leaned back against the wall by then, and Naruto had settled between his feet, curled up against his chest and wrapped up in his arms. _This is too intimate a position for them to not ask questions…_

“They’ll find us like this.”

“I don’t care. I need you.”

Sasuke didn’t need to be told twice.

When the door on the far side of the room opened, Sasuke glared daggers at the entering people, daring them to say anything at all. It was the infamous Ino-Shika-Cho trio. They gaped in various states of surprise. Shikamaru quickly covered Ino’s mouth and steered her back out while Chouji took all of their bags and dropped them on the floor. He flashed Sasuke a nervous smile before he followed them out, the door shutting quietly behind him. _Of all the people who could see this, those three are probably the best. Shikamaru will keep Ino quiet, and Chouji’s too nice to do anything. They won’t blabber to anyone…_

“Who was it?” Naruto asked after a long silence. 

“No one we have to worry about.”

Eventually they separated. Sasuke accompanied Naruto to the locker room so he could wash his face. By then, others were arriving, filtering into the locker room one by one. Most looked tired- it was only ten in the morning, after all- but a few were particularly chipper. Lee, for instance, was always a morning person. Sai seemed unaffected by the time of day. No one could really tell what was going on with Shino. And Chouji, when they briefly crossed paths, seemed fine. He smiled at Sasuke and Naruto the same way he usually would. Shikamaru’s gaze was cutting, though, in the aisle diagonal from theirs as they changed. _He’s smart. He figured out the exact nature of our relationship already. Will he confront us both, or just one of us? Will he do anything at all? The way he’s looking at us suggests he will…_

Despite having been the first to arrive, Naruto and Sasuke were among the last to finish. Sasuke went to follow Naruto out when Shikamaru stopped him with a firm hand on his elbow. They hung back, waiting until they heard the door close to make a move.

“Look, I don’t know what exactly you and Naruto are doing together and frankly I don’t care,” Shikamaru said, arms folded across his chest as he leaned casually against the lockers. “But just know that if you hurt him in any way, this whole cast is gonna be hunting you down. Some with far more brutal intentions than others. Do you understand?” 

“Please. I’m not stupid enough to believe anyone would take my side.”

“I’m just giving you fair warning, Uchiha. This crowd doesn’t give second chances easily, and you’ve already had yours.”

“Tch. Like I don’t know, Nara.”

They held eye contact. Finally Shikamaru sighed, patting Sasuke’s shoulder as he left.

“You’re a brave man. Good luck.” Sasuke snorted. _Like I’ve ever been able to rely on luck…_

Just like yesterday between shows, it was a mad dash to finish hair and makeup in time. Ino pointedly ignored Sasuke, which he was fine with, but he didn’t like how short she was being with Naruto. He didn’t seem to notice or mind, for what it was worth. He just jabbered on like usual to her and whoever planted their ass in the seat in front of him. 

“Karin!” he cried when she came in, giving her a big hug.

“Ugh, get off me, doofus!”

“Are you free next weekend? We should all go to the movies!”  
“Who all?”

“You and me and Sasuke and Suigetsu and Juugo!” he said excitedly.

“Naruto-”

“C’mon, Karin, cousin bonding time! Please!” 

“Wait, you’re cousins? I didn’t know you were cousins,” Kiba said.

“We didn’t either until this morning! Come look!” He was pulling out the photo album when Karin smacked his hand.

“We don’t have time for that now, stupid, the show starts in an hour!”

“That’s plenty of time!”

“Kiba hasn’t done his hair or makeup yet!”

“But Karin-!”

Sasuke shook his head, letting their bickering fade into background noise as he started the arduous task of taming his hair. _At least I don’t have to worry about those two. They already antagonize each other as if they’ve been bonding their whole lives…_

Naruto did end up showing Kiba the album, as well as Lee, Sakura, and Shikamaru. Sasuke watched closely from a nearby table, taking his time doing his own makeup. Naruto only seemed sad for a moment, a wistful smile on his face as he showed them the only page with pictures of his parents together. There were a few more pages in the album, pages that might have more photos of his parents, but just as before, that page seemed too emotional for him to continue. He shut the album despite the protests of his friends. _It’s okay, Naruto. You don’t have to do anything before you’re ready,_ he thought.

“Hold onto it for a while,” Karin was saying, putting the finishing touches on her hair. “You can make copies of as many as you want. I only have one other album, and none of your direct family members are in it. I took a look through it last night to be certain.” She sighed a little. “I’m sorry I don’t have more for you.”

“Are you kidding? The fact that you managed to hold onto this so long is a miracle on its own. And it’s more than I’ve ever had. Thank you so much, Karin.”

They shared another hug as Kakashi and Hinata appeared in the doorway, calling for places. Sasuke noticed the way his eyebrow raised at the sight of Naruto and Karin suddenly being so close. _So he does pay attention to the interactions between his students. I guess he cares more than he lets on…_ The cousins separated with matching smiles, and Sasuke finally rose from his seat to get up onto the stage. Kakashi handed him the gun on the way; Sasuke had completely forgotten about it in the excitement of everything else.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, racing to plant it and dive behind the wings. He finished just in time for Hinata’s announcements. _Alright, let’s go…_

  
  


The Sunday matinee saw a large number of seniors and small children in the audience, and a very discombobulated cast. _I can’t believe I was only worried about myself and Naruto being distracted,_ he thought, watching helplessly as Shikamaru entered from the wrong side of the stage. That wouldn’t normally have been a problem, but seeing as they had a little doorway they were supposed to enter through together, it kind of was. Sasuke couldn’t fix that, so he just went along and entered as he was supposed to through the fake door. _Everybody seems off their game. We’re all tired, I guess…_

There were three more noticeably large mistakes through the rest of Act I. Someone- Sasuke didn’t know who- lost a shoe during the big dance, sending it flying toward the front row audience. It thankfully didn’t hit anyone, but came close enough to frighten them. Chouji and Neji both unexpectedly flubbed lines. Ino had a wardrobe malfunction so catastrophic, Sai had no choice but to toss a cardigan over her in the middle of a scene. Her dress had torn all the way down the side of the zipper in the back. Sasuke wasn’t sure the audience noticed that she’d briefly run out in the middle of the number and then run back on for her next line, or if they _had_ noticed they still didn’t know whether they realized it was a mistake or not, but everyone in the cast had collectively held their breath. Intermission couldn’t have come soon enough.

“Everyone in the back. Kakashi wants to speak to us,” Hinata declared, looking grim. Sasuke followed the others back there. Naruto hung around near him in the corner, discreetly holding hands behind their backs.

Kakashi stalked in looking absolutely livid. Which was a feat considering his face was mostly covered at all times.

“Kids,” he began. They all shuddered. They all would have much preferred yelling to the stony growl he gave now. “I don’t know what the hell is going on with all of you, but you better get your shit together in the next ten minutes or I'm gonna lose it. We didn’t spend all these months rehearsing just to fuck it up now. Got it?” They all nodded, faces in various states of distress. Sasuke wasn’t particularly scared of Kakashi, but he _was_ worried he’d be the next one to fuck up. The gun scene was already hard, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little thrown off by everyone else’s fuck-ups, and-

Naruto squeezed his hand.

“Calm down,” he whispered. Sasuke frowned, taking his hand back.

“I am calm.” Naruto pouted, certain he was lying through his teeth, but they didn’t have time to argue. Kakashi had left and beckoned for the rest of them to follow. Sasuke stood in the wings as usual and eyed the gun.

He wasn’t able to pay attention to anyone else during Act II. He focused on himself, getting Chino to do all the things he needed. His throat went dry the same way it always did when he got the gun back in his hands. His heart pounded the same as always as he stepped into the shadowed part of the stage. His sweat dribbled down the back of his shirt the same as always as he raised his arms and aimed. _You got this. You got this. You got this…_

The shot rang out. Naruto fell, and Sakura caught him, having run a little further out than she was supposed to. No harm no foul. She screamed and raved. She stole the gun from Sasuke, sent it flying away, embraced him. The lights dimmed, and the audience roared to life with an unanticipated passion. Sasuke retrieved the gun again and shook through the bows, relieved that at least he’d done well and the nightmare show was over. Kakashi snatched the gun from him as he had them all circle up on the stage, the curtains drawn as the audience members filtered out. Sasuke didn’t hear what he was chastising them about, lost in his own world. He just leaned a little against Naruto’s shoulder, relying on the sound of his breathing to pace himself. _Don’t look at your hands. There’s no blood on them. They’re just sweaty. Everything’s fine. Naruto’s sitting right here, alive and well. Please relax, please relax…_

Most of the cast sat around backstage. There wasn’t enough time to go anywhere for food unless one had a car. Naruto and Sasuke ate the lunches he’d made that morning, shoulders touching as they sat side-by-side. _Now’s my chance. I should say I love you back. I should say I love you back…_ He swallowed, turned. Naruto looked dauntingly beautiful even as he was scarfing down a sandwich at lightning speed.

“Naruto?”  
“Mm?” he replied, mouth full.

“This morning, when you called, you… Well, I…” Naruto cocked a brow, waiting. _Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? Just say it!_ “I didn’t get a chance to respond. So I wanted to-”

“Naruto!” 

He perked up at the sound of his name. Sakura bounded over.

“Do you wanna run the last song real quick? I feel like I was flat last time and it's bothering me a lot.”

“Oh, uh, sure. You mind?” he asked, turning to Sasuke. He felt himself deflating, losing his nerve, so he just waved Naruto away. He scampered off with Sakura in tow, leaving Sasuke to finish his lunch alone. _Maybe it’s because there’s so many people around who might hear. Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous. I’ll just wait until we’re alone. Really alone. Tonight, when we get home. Then I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him I love him, too. Because I do. I love him so much._ He sighed to himself a little. _One last show. One last show and I can put this all behind me and go back to feeling some sort of normal. Maybe. I hope. Fuck…_

It felt like no time at all before Kakashi and Hinata were summoning them all back to the wings. Sasuke wished he hadn’t eaten at all. He was so nervous. Not just about this last show, but also about Naruto _. I have to say it tonight. No chickening out. When we get home, I’m saying it. Just gotta get through this show without throwing up. We’re good. It’s all good. Kakashi had the gun between shows, so it’s fine. Everything is safe. Everything is good._ He wiped his sweating palms on his pants, shook out his hands a bit. _I’m ready. Let’s go._

No one could be sure if it was Kakashi’s verbal lashings or just the fact that most of the cast had eaten and napped a little, but it was as if they were all reset. As if someone had rewound them all to last night, full of energy and highly focused. The momentum from the others kept Sasuke going. He had to concentrate very hard to keep up. _I can do this. I can do this. I can do this…_

They reached the intermission with no major slip-ups. At least, none that Sasuke had noticed. He was a bit busy being self-absorbed. _It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being self-absorbed. It’s getting me through the show, right? If I fall apart, it could affect Naruto or someone else’s performance. So right now, focusing on myself is good, actually…_

Act II began. In much too short a time, he had the gun back in his hands. Nerves coiled icy-hot in his stomach. _Relax, relax, relax, relax…_ It was the only word he could get through his head. He felt himself blanking. Lines? What were lines? Blocking? He didn’t know what that was. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-!_ He stepped out into the shadowed area, pulling the lever for the safety off. His heart raced too fast, his hands trembled as he raised his arms, tracking Naruto’s back. _Steady, steady… now!_

The kick-back shocked him. The sound did not come from the speakers, but from the object in his hands. He smelled gunsmoke, and for once he knew he wasn’t imagining it. _No._ He looked up. Naruto was crumpled on the floor. There was a red spot on the back of his shirt, vivid against stark white. _No!_ Sakura’s scream was only delayed by a moment, but it was real and raw and it clawed its way over his eardrums through the lingering ring of the shot. _No no no no no-!_

“What have you done?!” she shrieked, tears in her eyes. Sasuke was still hanging back in the shadows. A light was turned toward him, blinding white as his fear. _I shot Naruto. How did this happen? Kakashi and I are the only ones who ever touch the gun? How? HOW?!_ “How could you?!” Sakura continued, rising to her feet, wiping very real tears from her eyes. He stepped back a little.

“I-I-”  
“You killed him!” she cried, lunging. He gasped as they fell back, the gun falling out of his hand and spinning toward the back. _NO, NO!_ He twisted, scrambling to go get it and turn the safety on, but she pulled him back by the ankle.

“No, wait-!”

She threw him onto his back, and in an instant her fist was flying at his face. Her punch was earth-shattering. He could swear he felt his brain hit the inside of his skull. He went limp beneath her, dazed.

“You shot him!” she wailed. “You shot him, how could you?! How could you do this?! You heartless _monster_!” He took another punch.

“I’m sorry!” 

“Sorry doesn’t bring him back!” Another blow. Pain bloomed behind his right eye.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…!” It was all he could say. It was all he had to offer her. _Please, Sakura, I didn’t know there were bullets, I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I shot him, I shot him-!_

“Shut up! I hate you! Do you hear me?! I HATE YOU!”

The blows just kept coming. He wasn’t sure if the lights faded or if he did. He knew he was still mumbling the same two words. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” _I shot Naruto. He’s all I have left and I shot him…_

Someone dragged Sakura off him once the curtains closed. He turned, crawling along the floor toward Naruto through a dizzy haze, but something heavy was placed on his back, preventing him from going any further. He couldn’t open his right eye anymore, but he could still see blurry bodies crouched near Naruto’s, blocking Sasuke from getting closer. 

“Please, I’m sorry, Naruto, I’m sorry…!”

No one answered him. He couldn’t get out from under this weight, flailing uselessly. He dropped his face to the floor and screamed. Primal and wordless, helpless, anguished. _I’m so sorry, Naruto. I don’t know how this happened. I’m so sorry…_

  
_It’s all my fault…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear the next chapter will actually be up fast, i have it half-written already. you won't be left in suspense forever!


	11. The Clink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw's for suicidal ideation, jail time, revenge fantasies, mentions of death and gun violence, grief, mental health

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i didn't answer any of the comments from the last chapter but i just knew i'd give away spoilers and i didn't wanna do that. please know that i read all of them and i love you all so much. your comments made my day every time and i'm so glad i'll be able to talk to you all about it in the comments of this chapter!!! thank you for supporting me <3

It hadn’t seemed real at first. He’d hoped beyond hope that he’d imagined it all and that Naruto would get up and laugh with those squinty, devious eyes and say “Gotcha, you bastard!” 

But no. His castmates had held him down. He squirmed and screamed until his throat went raw, but they wouldn’t let him near Naruto, and they crowded the injured boy in a way that kept Sasuke from even seeing if he was okay or not. When EMS arrived, they took the place of the assembled students in blocking his view, and one tried to approach Sasuke himself. He refused medical care outright, nearly foaming at the mouth by that time, and they didn't push the issue. The cops arrived soon after. The cuffs bit him around his wrists, drawing blood as he struggled, still screaming and desperate. Next thing he knew his heels were dragging against the concrete outside, trying for all the world to stop the inevitable. The car door slammed shut, and the school’s windows were stained red and blue for a moment before they sped away. The window was blessedly cold against his burning skin, and his hyperventilation made the glass fog.

It was so hard to stay quiet. Sasuke was the keeper of dead men’s secrets and the one who kept their lessons alive. He held them so close to his heart that they endured even through the panic. He sat in a metal chair with his knees tucked under his chin and he shook so hard it rattled. The men were big, they felt so  _ so _ big, and Sasuke wasn’t quite sure how old he was now because he felt like a fearful child, but he said in his strongest voice, “I am invoking my right to legal counsel. I am claiming my right to silence.” And then he clamped his mouth shut, pretended the joint hinging his jaw was a bolt tightening so much his teeth nearly shattered in his mouth, and he stuck by his word and didn’t say a damn thing until a lawyer finally showed up. He didn’t trust the cups of water they offered him and he hid his face behind stringy, sweaty hair as much as he could, and he pretended he wasn’t cold because fuck, if he thought this was uncomfortable, how cold must death feel? And he waited and waited and waited. He was prepared for this, sort of. Itachi had told him many, many times to do exactly what he was doing now. “Avoid the cops when you can, and when you can’t, don’t talk to them without an attorney.” Itachi was so smart. Sasuke wished he was around now. Itachi would have kept in touch and told him what was happening and done everything he could to fight for him. Now Sasuke had to either fight for himself or give up, and he genuinely didn’t know which to choose. He was tired and his head hurt and his heart hurt even worse and where the  _ fuck _ was his lawyer?

He was left alone with his thoughts when the cops weren’t trying to interrogate him (illegally, after he’d made it clear he wanted legal counsel, but whatever). He assumed Naruto was dead. The shot had pierced his back, toward the lower left side- it was seared into Sasuke’s memory as much as the feeling of his brother’s last breath against his skin and the way his mother’s hair stuck in the blood on the carpet- and he knew that any number of things could have gone wrong. What if it punctured an organ? What if his ribs splintered into a million pieces? What if it shattered his vertebrae and severed his spinal cord? What if Naruto was left paralyzed, trapped in his own body, instead of dead? Was that better or worse? Thinking about it too much made him nauseous. Or maybe that was the concussion, courtesy of Sakura’s surprising strength. Maybe both. How was he to know?

His lawyer showed up after god knows how long. There were no windows in here and the clock was broken. He told her what happened in a flinty monotone, his voice catching here and there. He was certain she didn’t believe in his innocence, but he couldn’t really blame her for that one. Who would? The gun didn’t magically load itself, and all signs pointed to Sasuke being the guy who put the bullet in. There was no way in hell he could claim he wasn’t the one who fired it, he very clearly did. And knowing he could act, maybe they didn’t believe his very real distress. Maybe they thought it was all a farce to get himself off the hook. Come to think of it, was he even technically innocent? He  _ did _ shoot him. He  _ did _ point the gun at him. No one was coercing him into doing it. He just didn’t know there was a bullet in it. Was there a precedent for that? Was it even possible for him to be innocent under the law in this very particular case? He almost laughed at the absurdity of the whole situation, but that would just make him look insane, and though an insanity plea was rather appealing at the moment he’d really prefer to save that in case he needed it. 

The first two days, he’d been in too much pain (physically, mentally, emotionally…) to think properly. His brain was about as useful as a plate of scrambled eggs. But he tried anyway. He ignored the pain, ignored his cellmates, ignored his meals. He just stared at the concrete wall and tried to think. His brain would mold a key that opened that cell door and let him walk free again. What he’d do once he was out, he didn’t know, but it would probably involve illegal activities he would definitely be guilty for and would probably admit to happily. He just had to figure out who to go after. But it hurt to think, he clutched his head, wrapped his pillow around his skull as if that would help hold his brains in- or maybe to smother himself?- and he found himself doing the same thing he’d spent most of his waking moments doing since they tossed him in the clink: weeping. Silently, of course, he wouldn’t want to attract attention, but crying all the same. Not for himself, but for Naruto. Always for Naruto. No one had called to tell him otherwise, so he still assumed Naruto was dead and everyone blamed him and he thought maybe he deserved it somehow. _I must be cursed._ _Everyone I love is ripped away from me. Everything I touch dies. It’s my fault. It’s my fault and he’s the one who paid the price. I should have checked the gun. How could I have convinced myself that checking was bad? I could have prevented this whole thing. I’m careless and stupid and definitely cursed…_

By day three, Sasuke was flip-flopping wildly between suicidal ideation and revenge fantasies. He thought of at least three different ways to end it and was debating with himself whether it was even worth writing a note or not.  _ Everybody would be better off,  _ he thought. _ It’d save a few people some time and effort, at the very least. And I’d never have to feel this pain again. _ But then he thought of how Naruto’s death would never be avenged, how sad his brother would be that he didn’t get to live a full life, how disappointed his father would be that he took the coward’s way out, and how the person  _ really _ behind it all would continue to walk free. Free to ruin anyone else’s life at the drop of a hat. Sasuke seethed.  _ I can’t allow that. If I can’t get justice, I’ll get revenge. What have I got to lose? There’s nothing holding me back now. I don’t have a life left to destroy. I’m freer than ever even behind bars. I’ll get outta here one way or another, and I’ll make them pay. Whoever you are, I’m coming. _ And so he started formulating plans for that, too, memorizing the guard’s patrols and noting where the security cameras might have blindspots and paying close attention to the keys and the exact noise the cell door made when it unlocked. It would be his most difficult escape ever, but he could do it if he had a little time. And considering it currently looked like he was  _ never _ getting out of here, he had plenty to work with.

It was Kakashi, of all people, who called him in the middle of these horrific musings.

“He’s alive, but in the hospital. They did an emergency surgery to get the bullet out and start putting him back together, and he’ll need at least one more. It’s gonna take months to recover. But he’s still here. He’s alive.” Something like hope filled his chest, painful, nearly bursting. He held back a different kind of tear. He would have feared the pressure would make his eyes pop out of his sockets if he wasn’t so fucking  _ relieved _ . Naruto was alive. Naruto was alive and that was all he cared about in that moment.

“Where is he?” he asked, his voice cracking. It was the first time he’d spoken since he saw the lawyer.   
“I can’t tell you that right now. For safety reasons. But once you’re out, gimme a call and I’ll bring you to him.”

“How do you know I’ll get out?”

“Because I believe you. I’m doing what I can to help out here, but...” Kakashi’s voice faded into background noise. “ _ I believe you.”  _ That stuck in Sasuke’s head and played on repeat like a broken record. 

Well. That changed everything. 

Sasuke heard the warning that his time was running out and said a quick goodbye. He hung up the phone and shuffled back to his cell and sat heavily on the edge of his bed.  _ Someone finally fucking believes me. And it’s someone on the outside. Thank god. Okay. New plans, gotta make new plans… _

He had to get out of here, point-blank. To get out, he’d have to pin this on someone else or break out. It was probably better to get out the legal way. But he wasn’t about to make random accusations that might hurt his chances more than help. He had to think hard, be his own advocate and detective and maybe even attorney. He had to be strategic. He had to do the things he knew best: set his feelings aside and focus. Think. Work smarter, not harder. 

It was sometime between day four and day five now. Sasuke had figured out when the gun could have been loaded ages ago- there was a pocket of time that it would have been unsupervised onstage before the second Sunday show started- but what was less obvious was who or why. Clearly Shikamaru had figured out they were a couple, but he didn’t care. He’d even gone so far as to warn him. Chouji may not have figured it out, but even if he did, he was too nice to do anything about it. Ino was probably pissed, but not enough to load a gun. Especially with Shikamaru keeping her in check. He considered Karin- maybe Naruto had told her when they were “bonding” and felt that Sasuke was a threat to their burgeoning familial relationship or seen Naruto as a competitor for romance- but then he remembered she was almost as afraid of guns as Sasuke himself. He’d overheard her during a rehearsal saying she was happy she didn’t have to hold it. “I’d be just as much of a wreck. I don’t envy him in the slightest.” She would have surely acted strange afterward if it was her, and she was the type to do the dirty work herself, not get someone else to do it for her. Not to mention she was loyal. She owed Sasuke big time, after all, and even without that sense of obligation, she was a close friend. Sasuke just didn’t see her betraying him and her newly-discovered kin like that.

In other words, she was another dead-end.

He sighed, shifting from his side to his stomach, wrapping his arms around the pillow.  _ I don’t know any of the underclassmen well enough to gauge. Konohamaru idolizes Naruto, so I don’t think it’d be him or his friends. Which narrows it down to a few kids neither of us really know at all. So they’re all out. Focus on upperclassmen…  _ He stared at the dark back wall of the cell, as if the darkness would give him answers.  _ If Suigetsu found out he would have teased me about it already. Juugo is the quietly supportive type. They’re both loyal to me in a similar way as Karin. Suigetsu finds Naruto amusing, Juugo seems unbothered by him…  _ He huffed to himself.  _ Maybe I’m coming at this wrong. It indisputably had to be someone from the cast, but maybe they found out about us outside of the drama club setting. Where have we been together…?  _

A flashbulb memory of a shadowy figure around the corner of a brick building.  _ The night we first kissed. I didn’t imagine it. Someone must have been there.  _ He sat up, hugging the pillow tightly to his chest.  _ It had to have been someone from the cast who was there that night. That narrows it down a lot. Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru are already out. Kiba? _ He shook his head.  _ No, he’d probably just tease us like Suigetsu. He’s good friends with Naruto and he pokes fun at me a lot but I don’t think he hates me. He also talks a big game but he isn’t the violent type, he’s lost damn-near every fight he’s been in. And he always prefers fists to weapons to settle problems.  _ Sasuke nodded to himself. A pretty solid analysis. He actually knew Kiba better than he thought he did. _ Sai? _ He soured.  _ As much as I dislike him, I don’t think he’s homicidal, just an asshole. He’d probably just try to make us uncomfortable, not ruin our lives. Who else was there that night…?  _

He closed his eyes, willing his brain to function for just a little longer.  _ Sakura… and Hinata…  _ He opened his eyes again, nodding to himself.  _ Those are the only other people it could have been. Which one…?  _ They both had the motive: long-time, unrequited crushes. Sakura was the violent type- the state of his face could attest to that- but he remembered her reaction all too well.  _ That wasn’t acting. The three of us have known each other far too long to  _ _ not _ _ know. Naruto and I can always tell when she’s lying or exaggerating or acting. She definitely had no idea there’d be a real shot. She was as blindsided as I was. Her reaction was genuine. And she certainly didn’t pull her punches…  _

He swallowed.  _ So that leaves Hinata.  _

Under any other circumstance, he would have discounted her immediately. But this time…  _ It makes sense,  _ he realized.  _ She’s had a crush on Naruto for years. She spent a long time stalking him. She might still be, for all I know. I assumed she stopped because I stopped seeing her around, but maybe she just got better at it. She’s quiet and fast, she’s always scaring people backstage. She could have seen us and gotten away without either of us noticing her. And seeing us might have destroyed her. I can see it: the passive facade finally gave way beneath the immensity of her rage or jealousy or… whatever the fuck else she might have been feeling, I don’t know. She would have had time to come up with a plan- could put her on the hook for pre-meditated murder, that’s good to remember for later- and the means to do so. She had the interest in guns, she asked me about them a few months ago. Oh shit, did she use what I told her to come up with this?  _

He shook his head. He couldn’t jump down that rabbit hole right now. All he could do was file that away for a future breakdown and move on.  _ She’s also the stage manager. She would have been on the stage helping with set-up at the time the gun was left unsupervised. I don’t think she’s quite off her rocker enough to want him dead, but me in jail and him vulnerable? It’s perfect for her. Injured and in need of care. He doesn’t have many people in his life he can turn to. It’s a chance for her to get close, build a bond, cement a place for herself in his life, distance him from others and manipulate him…  _ His heart thrummed an angry beat in his throat.  _ I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner. I’ll kill her with my bare hands. How dare she-! _

He paused.  _ No. No, I can’t afford to be angry. I could jeopardize everything by coming across as dangerous. I have to convince them that Hinata is the dangerous one. Not me. Then I’ll be able to get back to Naruto. He’ll get justice, and seeing her go away will be as close to revenge as I’ll get.  _ He nodded to himself.  _ Okay. I know what I have to do…  _

Sasuke spoke with his lawyer first thing in the morning, then the police. And for another week, he waited. He wasn’t sure if they had taken him seriously, if they were actually investigating Hinata, if anything was happening at all. The longer he waited, the more anxious he became. He was starting to grow certain that nothing was going to happen, that he’d have to find another way out, that he’d have to resort to breaking himself out and making her pay for what she’d done himself.  _ If the criminal justice system won’t do it, I will,  _ he thought in a feverish whirl, pacing across the floor. It was probably driving his cellmates nuts, but if he didn’t move he’d scream, and they’d probably throttle him for that.  _ I’m no stranger to vigilante justice. I’m no stranger to spite and vengeance. I’ll kill you with my bare hands, Hinata. You and anyone you might have conscripted into this little plot of yours. _

On the seventh day since he made the accusation, he was starting to doubt himself.  _ Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t Hinata after all. Maybe I fucked up and blamed the wrong person. And if that’s the case, they’ll just assume I’m even guiltier. Fuck, I’m never gonna get out. I feel like a caged animal. How much longer can I take this? Naruto, I need to do this for Naruto. As soon as I know what’s happening with the case, I’ll be able to go back to the drawing board or start enacting the escape plan. I just can’t keep waiting like this. Please, somebody tell me something…!  _

His cell door opened. He didn’t dare hope. He honestly thought they were trotting him out for a check-up since he was overdue to see a doctor, but instead they started processing him.  _ I’m going home _ , he realized.  _ I’m going home! _

As suddenly as he’d been incarcerated, he was free to go. In and out in less than two weeks.

Within a half hour of making his final call from prison, Sasuke was plunking his ass down in the passenger’s seat of Kakashi’s car. He’d scoffed at the sporty black thing he rolled up in, and now he was feeling leather interior beneath his palms.  _ Guy probably lives in a dump to be able to afford a car like this…  _

“Don’t fuck up the upholstery,” Kakashi warned. Between the sunglasses and the ever-presesnt face mask, Sasuke couldn’t decipher his expression.

“Like I have anything fuck it up with.” It was true; he was back in his costume. The blood spatters on his shirt from his split eyebrow were long, long dried. All he had in his pocket was his wallet. “So where’s Naruto?”

Kakashi snorted as he pulled out of the parking lot. Sasuke cut his gaze toward him.

“What?”

“You two are ridiculous. Obsessed with each other.”   
“Excuse me for wanting to check on my roommate-best-friend-thing,” he huffed, folding his arms over his chest and leaning away from Kakashi.  _ Should have called Iruka… _   
“I’ve been around the block a few times, kid. I know idiots in love when I see them. Just call him your boyfriend and move on.”

He probably should have had a rebuttal for that, but what use was pretending? Word would be out soon enough if it wasn’t already. This incident was sure to be all over the news by now. Sasuke was strangely okay with everyone and their mother knowing.  _ I’m ashamed of a lot of things, but being with Naruto isn’t one of them. I thought I’d have more feelings about this, but in light of everything else, it just seems trivial.  _

“Anyway, Naruto’s at home,” Kakashi finally answered, breaking that train of thought. “Karin’s taking care of him.” Sasuke nodded.  _ Good, yes. She’s trustworthy. I’m sure she’s been treating him well and keeping everyone else away…  _

“What do I owe you for the ride?”

“Nothing at all.” Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

“How generous of you,” he said slowly, clearly suspicious.

“Consider it my way of apologizing.” Sasuke furrowed his brows.

“Apologizing?” The man sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“You were right. It was a bad idea to use a real gun. It was a bad idea to plant it so long before it was used. As the director and the adult in charge, I should have been more careful.”  _ Holy shit, I never thought I’d see the day…  _ Sasuke blinked a few times, resisting the urge to pinch himself and make sure this was all real.

“Well, how could you have anticipated something like this? It’s not like we’re all incredibly troubled or something,” he said sarcastically. Kakashi smacked his arm.

“Smart ass.”   


Sasuke smirked, and he thought maybe Kakashi was smirking, too, beneath the mask. For a little while, they rode in silence. Sasuke cleared his throat.

“So uh… I take it they booked Hinata?”

“Sure did. You’d be a helluva detective, Uchiha. Nobody ever would have thought the Hyuuga girl was capable of something like this.” Kakashi shook his head. “It’s still a bit surreal, but she confessed and everything.”  _ Of course she confessed. Probably cracked under the slightest pressure…  _ “I’m not sure how up-to-date you are on this, but she got her cousin booked with her.” Sasuke suppressed a gasp.

“ _ Neji _ ?”

“Yep. They’re still sussing out whether he knew he was an accomplice to the crime or not. I wouldn’t be too surprised if he knew and helped anyway. Loyal to a fault, that kid.” Sasuke shook his head.  _ I’ll admit I wondered if she had help, but Neji? He’s so… _

Sasuke couldn’t think of the word. All he managed in response was a soft, “Wow”. The conversation hit another lull. 

“How’s he doing?” Sasuke finally asked after several long minutes. It was a simple enough question, but he feared the answer more than anything else. He knew next to nothing about Naruto’s condition. For all he knew, Naruto was still an inch away from knocking at death’s door.  _ I need to know, though. I need to know what I’m walking into… _ Kakashi drew in a long breath.

“Good, all things considered. He’s had two surgeries now, just got released from the latest. There’s probably some physical therapy in his future. He’s definitely in pain and upset right now when he’s not doped up. Understandably.” Sasuke grimaced. “Good news,” he continued, “is that the prognosis is good. They’re saying he should make a full recovery, barring any more unfortunate circumstances. It’s miraculous, really. No major organ damage, and his ribs only broke, they didn’t shatter or anything. His spine wasn’t even touched.” Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief.

“That  _ is _ good news.”   
  


More silence. It occurred to Sasuke that Kakashi knew his way, weaving through the city without any directions. 

“I grew up around here, y’know,” he said, as if reading Sasuke’s thoughts.   
“Yeah?”  _ It’s not like him to share personal information. Why is he doing this…? _

“Mm-hm. Used to be a boys’ home on Third and Overdale. That’s where I lived.” Sasuke nodded along. “Yep. Spent most of my childhood and teenage years around here. Know it like the back of my hand.” 

“Mm-hm.”

“One of my friends actually lived in your building. 4B.” Sasuke nodded along, trying to figure out where Kakashi was going with this. He drummed his fingers along the steering wheel. “We have more in common than you might think.” He snorted. “I’m serious, you little punk! Think about it. Orphans who experienced great traumas, grew up in the same place, both turned to theatre as an escape-”

“I guess.”

“-and I’m gay, too.”

Sasuke started.

“Huh?”   
“Gay. Homosexual. A man who loves other men-”   
“Okay, yeah, I get it!” Sasuke interrupted, blushing all the way up to his ears. “Why are you telling me this?” Kakashi shrugged. 

“Just trying to relate. I’m not great with kids.”

“Tch. I’ve noticed,” he grumbled. Kakashi shot him what Sasuke assumed was an annoyed glare.

“Look, I’m just trying to say we’re a lot alike. I understand you, in a way, so if you ever needed someone to talk to… “

Sasuke blinked confusedly a few times as he trailed off.

“Are you  _ serious _ ?”

“Do I seem like I’m playing?” Sasuke scoffed, propping his foot up on the inside of the door.

“No, it’s just… not like you.”

“Not like me?”

“Did I stutter?” Kakashi chuckled.

“You’re a smart ass, but I like you. Guess I’m getting soft in my old age.”

Kakashi slowed to a halt on Sasuke’s street. 

“Now go take care of your boyfriend. You have my number if you need me.” Sasuke nodded, pausing as he stepped out of the car.

“Thanks, Mr. Hatake.” He could have sworn the guy smiled under his mask and behind his glasses.

“That’s Kakashi to you.”

Sasuke watched him drive off and disappear down the street before peering up at his building.  _ I did it, Naruto. I got out. I’m home. _

He stomped up the stairs as fast as he could, pausing only to test the handle on the door to his apartment.  _ Locked. No keys… _ He knocked loudly.

“Who is it?” said a familiar voice.

“The one paying rent. Let me in.” 

The door opened partway, the chain lock still in place. Red hair and a honey brown eye came into view.

“Were you released or did you break out?” He snorted. 

“Released. Will you let me into my own house now?”

In less than a heartbeat, the door was open, Sasuke was pulled inside, and it was slammed shut again, Karin’s body forcing his back against it. She was anger incarnate. 

“Now you listen to me and you listen good. You hurt Naruto, you make me think for even a second he’s in danger, and I will rip you limb from limb. Understand me?” He raised his hands in surrender.  _ Well I wasn’t expecting a welcome back party, but this is a bit much. She’s only known they’re related for what, nine days, and she’s already become this protective…? _

“I hear you.” She backed off a little, but not far. Sasuke attempted to step around her, but she blocked him.

“Nuh-uh. Don’t take another step.” He leaned back against the door. “Tell me your version of what happened. Right now.” He rolled his eyes.

“Once upon a time I was in a play where I was forced to pretend to shoot a gun at my best friend. One day there was a bullet in it and I didn’t know. Then I went to jail for shooting him and I had to be the one to figure out who could have put the bullet in despite having a busted up face and a concussion and y’know. Not being in any way a detective. Now I’m home, and if you don’t fucking mind I’d like to see Naruto.” She glared at him, but stepped aside anyway. 

“You don’t have to keep calling him your best friend. Everybody knows.”   
  


He ignored that particular provocation.  _ So everyone  _ _ does _ _ know. I suppose we’ll have to deal with that later…  _ She followed him at a distance as he looked around. Naruto wasn’t in the kitchen or living room, and the bathroom door was wide open with the lights out.  _ The place is clean. That’s nice…  _ He opened the bedroom door. “Naruto?” he called softly, completely different from how he’d spoken to Karin. 

He was lying in bed, pillows and stuffed animals supporting his head and neck, jammed under his knees to keep the pressure off his back. He shifted, but didn’t wake up yet. Sasuke came closer, sitting on the edge of the bed. He hesitated only a moment before he llaid his hand over Naruto’s. He looked tired in a way Sasuke had never seen before. Dark bags underscored his eyes. His hand was cold and clammy as usual. Sasuke reached under the bed for the cardboard box of extra blankets. He fanned one out, then draped it gently over his sleeping partner. Naruto mumbled something incoherent, reaching for Sasuke’s hand again. He took it in his, interlacing their fingers, and for the first time since the incident Sasuke felt like he could breathe again. Naruto’s eyes fluttered open partway. 

“Sasuke?”

“I’m here,” he assured, rubbing his thumb along Naruto’s knuckles. He smiled.

“Knew it wasn’t your fault… knew you’d come back…” Sasuke hummed, sweeping Naruto’s hair back from his forehead to see if he had a fever.  _ Seems fine. Same temp as usual…  _

“Of course I came back. You’d drive your cousin crazy if I left you alone that long.” Naruto laughed.

“I’m a real pain in the ass,” he agreed.

Sasuke became cognizant again of the fact Karin was watching as her shadow fell over him. She was leaning in the doorway, trying and failing to be subtle.  _ Must be a family trait,  _ he thought wryly as he glanced back at her. He patted Naruto’s hand before he stood to face her.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” he said, dipping into a bow. She was still tense, still eying him warily, but she nodded all the same. 

“Care instructions are in the nighttable drawer,” she said gruffly. She pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket. “I’m giving you my number, plus the hospital, surgeon, and his doctor. Drop me a line if you have questions or need a babysitter.” She handed him the note folded into neat squares, then thumped his head hard while he was distracted. “And don’t fuck up.”   
“Ow! Okay, I won’t!” He rubbed at the spot. “Fuckin’ concussion wasn’t enough…”   
“Don’t be a baby.” She gestured from her face to his. “I’ve got my eye on you, Uchiha.”

“Alright, Matsumoto.”

She raised a hand in farewell.

“Bye Karin,” Naruto murmured. 

“See ya, cuz.” Sasuke listened to the front door shut and, to his surprise, lock from the outside.

“You gave her a spare key?” 

“Needed to get in ‘n’ out somehow,” Naruto slurred, not even opening his eyes. 

Sasuke sat back on the edge of the bed, nodding. The mattress sank a little beneath him. He cupped Naruto’s hand between both of his, resting them on his knee.  _ I’m home. I’m home and everything’s gonna be okay now…  _ Naruto gave another soft smile, tilting his head toward Sasuke but still not opening his eyes. “I missed you,” he sighed. Sasuke smiled a little.

“I guess I missed you, too,” he teased. Naruto snorted amusedly.

“So tell me: d’you become somebody’s bitch in jail?” Sasuke gave his own snort.

“I’m nobody’s bitch.” Naruto raised a brow, cracking one eye open.

“You make someone else your bitch?” Sasuke flicked his cheek, eliciting a whine.

“No, stupid. The only bitch in my life is you.” Naruto laughed.

“Bold of you to assume I’d be the bitch in this relationship.”

“You’re stupider than you look if you think  _ I’d _ be the bitch.” 

Naruto just laughed again, his thumb stroking Sasuke’s palm in a tender way that felt very at-odds with their conversation. He loved it. It was so quintessentially  _ them _ . He raised Naruto’s hand and pressed his lips to each of his knuckles, like a giant leaning from the sky to kiss the hills of the earth. Naruto smiled and blushed, eyes hooded. 

“I missed you so much,” Sasuke said sincerely, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” Naruto reached up with that same hand to cup Sasuke’s face.

“A’course I am. Couldn’t just leave you behind, could I?”

A torrent of emotions surged through him at that. It was sudden and brutal, nearly overwhelming him. He swallowed thickly, forcing it all back down as he leaned forward and their lips met. Naruto’s breath fluttered against his face, and fingers combed through his hair, and Sasuke’s heart sang _ I’m home, I’m home, I’m home _ . He pulled away only enough that he could press their foreheads together. His thumb traced Naruto’s cheekbone, swooped down to feel the line of his jaw.

“I love you, too,” he blurted out. Naruto’s breath hitched. “You said it on the phone the other day and I was so scared I’d never get to say it back. I love you. I love you so much.”

“I said it on the phone?” Sasuke laughed wetly, holding back tears.

“You’re so fucking stupid…”

They kissed again, slow and deep, and Sasuke didn’t care that Naruto tasted like bitter medicine, he only cared that he was alive and breathing and he didn’t hate him.  _ Naruto has every reason in the world to hate me, but he doesn’t. I love you, I love you…  _

He pulled away, trying to turn and hide the tears that made his vision swim, but Naruto grabbed his wrist and tugged until he turned back around.

“Why are you crying?”

“Everything.” His answer didn’t make sense, he knew that, but his head was spinning with emotions and memories, and once the waterworks started he wasn’t able to hold them back.

“Since when are you such a crybaby?” Naruto said, but he guided Sasuke down to lay beside him all the same. Naruto stroked his hair, twisting the locks around his fingers, and Sasuke’s breaths came in big hiccupping sobs, like a small child. “You gotta calm down,” he soothed, rubbing the space between Sasuke’s shoulder blades. 

“I know,” he said into a pillow, voice muffled. “I know, I know, I just, I can’t, I-”

“Shh…”

It couldn’t have been very long that Sasuke laid there bawling like an infant, but it was certainly long enough to be embarrassing. He sat up slowly, wiping his face on his sleeve. Naruto looked dazed, as if he’d been falling asleep, and Sasuke wouldn’t blame him if he had as he eyed the medicines on the nighttable.  _ Wait a second. _

“Where’d we get a nighttable?” he asked. Naruto blinked a few times, sounding a little “hm?” as he glanced over. Sasuke didn’t miss how his eyes widened for a second.

“O-oh, uh, well…” he stuttered. Sasuke felt his stomach twist into a cold knot.

“Let me take an absolutely  _ wild _ guess,” he growled. “Hinata?” Naruto paled.

“I-it was before I knew, it’s not like I can move it myself, it’s a perfectly good piece of furniture-”

Sasuke cut off the stream of half-baked excuses with a raised hand. He had to close his eyes a moment to compose himself.

“It’s hideous,” he sniffed. “We’ll make it nice sometime.”

Naruto’s chest deflated with a sigh of relief.  _ I’m mad at Hinata, not Naruto. I’ll consider this part of her reparations to us. It’s not actually hideous, but I won’t be able to live with myself if I just leave it as-is. We’ll claim it. Ours, not hers. Strip her away from it. Maybe that’s stupid and territorial and possessive but  _ _ fuck _ _ I don’t care…  _

“Are you feeling alright, Naruto?” he asked at last, distracting himself from that line of thought.

“Hm? Yeah, just a lil foggy…” Sasuke nodded. 

“Do you need anything? Food, water, more pillows?” 

“No,” Naruto yawned. “Just you.” Sasuke couldn’t help but smile, pushing Naruto’s hair back again and leaning forward to plant a kiss there. It made Naruto smile back, even with his eyes closed.

“Just a moment.”

He got up and changed into the pajamas he’d left out for himself the last time he was home. It felt like so long ago. It was weird to have his own clothes again instead of the garish orange prison uniform he’d been forced into.  _ Naruto would have loved it,  _ he thought, and it was so stupid he actually laughed to himself a little.

“Somethin’ funny, bastard?” he asked as Sasuke returned to his spot next to Naruto, this time carefully removing a stuffed animal supporting his neck and replacing it with his own arm and slipping under the covers. Naruto hummed contentedly. Now that he knew Naruto was okay and they were okay, Sasuke’s relief gave way to a bone-deep exhaustion.  _ Naruto needs the sleep too, so it’s a win-win…  _

“Just a stupid thought. I’ll tell you later.” He punctuated that with a yawn. Naruto yawned back.

“M’kay. G’night, ‘Suke.”   
“Good night.”

  
Sasuke didn’t comment on the fact that it was four in the afternoon. He didn’t care. He just inhaled Naruto’s scent, reveled in the rise and fall of his chest as he snored, and if a few more tears slipped out, then Naruto would be none the wiser.  _ I swear, Naruto, I’ll protect you. I’ll never let anything like this happen again. I won’t lose you…  _ He pressed his nose into Naruto’s hair.  _ I’m meant to be right here. Beside you. And I won’t ever leave again…  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it ends on a fluffy note <3 can't wait to hear what you all think of this chapter! probably won't be able to work on another chapter until after new year's, so sorry in advance for the long wait. happy holidays to all those celebrating!


	12. The Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends, i've returned! thank you for your patience. this chapter is a lot of talking, but so important to establishing relationships with other characters and digging up a little bit of naruto and sasuke's pasts. hope you enjoy it!
> 
> obvious tw for injury recovery, tw for mentions of past crimes (murder, arson, robbery, etc.)

It was only eight in the morning, but Sasuke had been up for hours already. He’d woken Naruto a while ago to take medicine, but he’d quickly gone back to sleep, now snoring loudly in the next room. Sasuke had read the care instructions over and over, memorized the medication schedule Karin had put up on the fridge, and spent longer than he wanted to admit learning the instructions for each medication and all of their side effects. He felt a bit more confident having the written guidance of a doctor to go by. _I’ve helped Itachi out when he was injured before, but he was rarely under a doctor’s supervision and mostly tended himself. I imagine things will be very hands-on with Naruto…_ He swallowed. The note Karin had left him with her number on it had gotten warm in his hand. He was used to Karin’s moods, used to her blind furies, but this one stung a little. _It was almost like she hadn’t heard. Is it possible she didn’t know that my charges were dropped? That Hinata was taken into custody? No, it can’t be. Naruto knew, after all. Somebody had to tell him. I’d assume it was her, right-?_

He jumped at a knock on the front door. _Who the fuck would be here at this hour on a Friday?_ Another knock had him getting out of his seat. _I swear to god if it’s Karin I’ll lose my shit…_

He looked out the peephole, expecting to see flaming red hair. Instead, he saw a head of pink. _Sakura?_ He pulled the door open partway, the chain lock still engaged.

“What?” his asked, voice gravelly from hours without use.

“May I come in?”  
“Depends. You gonna punch me again?”

“No! No. I promise. Please… let me in, Sasuke.” He took a deep inhale, fingering the knife in his pocket. 

“Alright.”

He unbolted the door and left it open, wandering back into the kitchen. He placed the care instructions on the fridge with a few magnets and preemptively placed two mugs on the counter. He listened to the door shut and shoes slap on the floor as they were kicked off.

“Lock that,” he called. He heard the bolts sliding into place. He nodded to himself, filling the kettle with water and setting it to boil on the stove. He leaned back against the counter as Sakura entered, looking around with wide eyes. “Never seen an apartment before?” he asked snidely. She hardly reacted, clutching a basket tightly to her chest.

“No, I just…” She laughed nervously. “I’ve never been to your house before. It’s more… homey than I thought it would be.” He shrugged.

“It’s mostly Naruto’s.” She nodded a little, still looking around as if she’d never physically set foot in a kitchen before. Anxiety hummed a tune inside him. He hoped she couldn’t hear it.

“Oh, um… I brought this,” she said, thrusting the basket out toward him from across the room, hanging her head a little. “I… I wanted to say I’m sorry. M-mostly for punching you a bunch, but also…” She hung her head a little lower. “I-I… you… Fuck...” _Oh shit, she’s gonna start crying-_

“It’s fine,” he said, if only because he didn’t know what else to say. She shook her head.

“It’s really not.” She laughed again, veering quickly toward hysteria. “It’s really not.”

Sasuke still didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing at all. The silence didn’t last long before the tea kettle started whistling.

“Tea?” he asked.

“Um…” He nodded at her indecision, turning and making two cups nonetheless.

“My mother liked having hard conversations over tea,” he offered. “She belived the heat softens the heart and sharpens the mind. The leaves purify and cleanse. A cup during to get you through the hard times, and a cup after to ease it.” He felt more than saw Sakura nod. _Not sure why I’m telling you this, but here I am…_ “Anyway… what kind?”

“Uh, green tea. If you have it.” He nodded, listening to Sakura take the seat he had formerly occupied.

“Anything in it?”  
“Honey?” He nodded, stirring it in. She set the basket down on one end of the table and folded her hands in her lap, wringing her fingers together. 

He brought the mugs over carefully, setting one in front of her and one in front of himself. Both happened to be Naruto’s creations. Handmade, clearly imperfect, but cute in his very specific way. Sasuke’s had frogs all over it, and the handle was supposed to be a cattail while the saucer beneath it looked like a lily pad (sort of). Sakura’s was designed to look like cup ramen, and the handle was a stray noodle. The saucer was just the plastic lid of the cup ramen. It was clearly a more recent piece than Sasuke’s frogs, done with a steadier hand and a greater eye for detail. Sakura took a few moments to examine hers, spinning it around on the saucer and idly stirring the spoon Sasuke had left inside. He drank his own tea boiling hot. _This is awkward. We’ve never had a real conversation before…_

He drew in a steadying breath.

“So Sakura… what’s on your mind?” She gulped audibly, deciding to take her first sip of tea now to buy herself a few extra seconds.

“I feel bad about a lot of things. I… I want to apologize for them.” Sasuke nodded sagely, keeping his eyes on his fingers drumming silently against the tabletop so she didn’t feel forced to make eye contact.

“Like what?”

“Well first off, for going berserk and beating you half to death.” He snorted.

“I’ve had far worse.”

“I’m sure, but that doesn’t make it right.” She heaved a sigh. “For a second, I genuinely thought he was dead. My brain just skipped straight to the worst case scenario. And I was so… so _angry_. I thought…” Another sip of tea. “I thought you’d betrayed him again. And I… as much as he annoys me sometimes… I couldn’t bear the idea of him going through that pain again if he lived. The idea of him dying by your hand like that… it took me to a very dark place very quickly.” 

Sasuke nodded a few times, sipping his own cup.

“That’s understandable,” he murmured.

“It’s a reason, not an excuse. I’m truly sorry. That reaction was way outta line. And… thinking that after all you two have been through, that you’d do something like that… It’s heinous. It’s awful. I should be ashamed for even thinking that way. I _am_ ashamed of thinking that way.” She looked up at last, and her gaze was steady and eyes determined. “I’m sorry.” Sasuke nodded again, not breaking eye contact.

“Thank you, Sakura. I forgive you.”

She nodded back, and slowly her gaze sank back to the cup between her hands. Sasuke tilted his head to the side a bit, studying her.

“That’s not the only thing bothering you.” She swallowed, rubbing her thumbs on the ceramic.

“I also wanted to apologize for…” She paused, taking a sip of her tea and swirling around her mouth just once, as if the word she was looking for would seep out of the flavors on her tongue. “Being a pain in your ass all these years, honestly.” His brows raised, a silent invitation to explain. She sighed again, shoulders rolling forward and hair covering most of her face. “You’ve made it clear over and over again you don’t particularly care for me. I kept pursuing you out of stubbornness. And I guess… out of habit?” She pursed her lips and shook her head. “No, that’s not it. I just… I didn’t know how to talk to you any other way. I didn’t know how else to show you I still cared about you. The truth is… I don’t think I have feelings like that for you anymore. I don’t think I have for… a while now. But I kept it up because I didn’t want you to think I stopped caring about you altogether. I was stupid and… I’m really sorry.” She glanced toward the bedroom, where Naruto was still snoring rather loudly. “I promise you, I’m out of your hair. My only concern is that you two are okay. If you ever need help or something, you can call me. Naruto has my number somewhere.”

Sasuke nodded a few more times, processing her words and sorting his thoughts out into a coherent response.

“Thank you, Sakura. It means a lot to hear that.” She smiled a little, her grip on the mug tightening a little bit.

“I know this sounds weird, but do you think… we could start over? You and me?” He quirked one brow, which she knew meant she had to elaborate. “I… I wanna be your friend. For real this time. No more flirting, no more asking you out, no more desperate attempts to be alone with you. Just… friends. Because I care about you. And I care about Naruto. And I really do just want you both to be happy. So… can we start over?” He took another sip, contemplating.

“Well, I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, setting his cup back down. “In fact, I don’t even know who you are. What’s your name?”

It took a moment for her to catch on, but when she did, a grin spread wide over her face. She offered her hand.

“Sakura Haruno. I’m a friend of Naruto’s.” Sasuke’s lips twitched up into a smirk, taking her hand and shaking it.

“Sasuke Uchiha. I’m his boyfriend.” He gestured to her mostly empty cup. “Would you care for some tea?” She smiled again.

“That would be grand.”

They chatted for the next hour. Sakura got him up to speed on school and friends since he’d been away. He updated Sakura as much as he could on Naruto’s condition. For the first time in the many years they’d known each other, Sasuke felt almost comfortable around her. He didn’t have to evade her constant come-ons or worry that she was baiting him into going out with her. This right here was exactly what he’d always wanted from her. Just a simple friendship, nothing more.

She ended up having two more cups of tea before she rose from the table, stretching a bit.

“I’m sorry to cut this short, but I promised to do some chores in exchange for Dad’s silence about me playing hooky today. Tell Naruto I said hi. And if either of you need anything at all, please call me, okay?” He nodded.

“Thank you again, Sakura. Get home safe.” She grinned again as she walked down the hallway and toed on her shoes.

“I will, I promise. And Sasuke?” He turned back around, having been mid-step back toward the kitchen. “Thank you for hearing me out. I… I’m really glad we can be friends now.” He nodded.

“Me, too.”  
“Oh! And don’t let Naruto eat all the snacks in that gift basket himself. Those are for _both_ of you, got it?” Sasuke barked out something resembling a laugh.

“I’ll moderate him.”

“Alright. Bye for real.”

“Bye.”

The door shut. He waited until her footsteps faded down the stairwell to set all the locks in place again. _That was… wow,_ he thought, mindlessly clearing the table and washing the dishes. The water was warm on his hands. _I thought it would be years before she got to that point. And I never thought she’d actually tell me to my face that she was over me. I thought she’d just… fade into the distance after graduation. The fact that she wants to start over and build an actual friendship with me is nothing short of miraculous. She’s… she’s not a bad person, just… had some issues. I’m glad she worked things out for herself. If she’s genuinely not hung up on me anymore, then she could be a lifelong friend._ He dried the dishes, too, and set them back gently in the cabinet. _I love Naruto, of course I do, but… it would be nice to just have friends, too. Friends without the obligations or strings attached or complications that people like Karin, Suigetsu, and Juugo have. Just someone to shoot the shit with and chat. I could see us going for coffee sometimes or having her over for lunch with me and Naruto._ He _could_ see it, almost as if it were happening in front of him. The three of them talking and laughing over sandwiches cut into triangles and a pitcher of iced tea. He couldn’t help but smile a little. _That would be nice…_

He was drawn out from his thoughts by rustling sounds in the bedroom. He pushed off the counter and slid the door open a crack. Naruto still looked asleep, but he croaked out a soft, “Sasuke?”

“Yeah,” he answered.

“Ngh…” He’d clearly been trying to extricate himself from the tangle of blankets, but wasn’t able to accomplish much. _Hm, he’s still pretty out of it. I thought these were only supposed to last a little while? Then again, he’s usually pretty groggy when he first wakes up…_

“What do you need?” Sasuke asked. Naruto heaved a sigh, tired just from thinking about it.

“Gotta piss.” Sasuke nodded. _That’s about what I was expecting…_

“Alright. Don’t rush yourself,” he reminded him. “I don’t want a repeat of last night and I’m sure you don’t either.”

“What happened last night?” he groaned as Sasuke helped him sit up. 

“You insisted on going by yourself, went way too fast, and you would have cracked your head open if I wasn’t there to catch your stupid ass. Remember?” 

He grunted. Sasuke wasn’t sure if he should take that as a yes or just a sign of pain. Naruto, who was known to whine for ten minutes about a papercut, was surprisingly quiet when it came to real pain. He gave no other indication that this hurt, even though Sasuke knew it must. _I forgot,_ he thought as Naruto wrapped his arm around his neck and, together, got him out of the bed. _He’s a baby about little things, but when he’s really hurting he gets so quiet. I can’t believe I forgot that…_ He leaned heavily on Sasuke as they walked together, one step after another. Naruto couldn’t put much weight on his left leg without aggravating the injury to his back. Sasuke was prepared to make Naruto take it slow, but evidently Naruto had learned from last night; he didn’t try to hurry himself along this time, and he let Sasuke help him until they were inside the bathroom. 

“It’s probably better if you sit,” he suggested. Naruto scowled, staggering a little.

“Could probably stand,” he muttered.

“I don’t think that’s smart.”

He mumbled something unintelligible as Sasuke loosened his pants for him and lowered him, very slowly, toward the seat.

“Don’t look,” he grumbled. Sasuke snorted.

“Like I wanna watch you piss.” Sasuke turned his back and flipped the sink faucet, letting that sound drown out Naruto’s. 

“Sasuke,” he called after only a few moments. He nodded, pointedly not looking as he helped Naruto back up, pulling his pants up only enough that Naruto could grab them and pull them the rest of the way up himself. He hobbled the three steps to the sink on his own, washing his hands under the water a little clumsily. The real struggle, evidently, was with figuring out how to use the hand towel. Sasuke smothered the urge to laugh at him, instead coming over and taking the hand towel off the rack. Naruto fumbled trying to take it from him.

“Just let me,” he said, taking the towel and drying Naruto’s hands himself. Naruto grunted his delayed assent. Sasuke shook his head fondly, hanging the towel back but retaining his hold on Naruto’s hands. “This still doesn’t feel rea,” he admitted. Naruto’s brows furrowed. His eyes were starting to clear.

“Whattya mean?” Sasuke shrugged, tracing the bones in Naruto’s fingers with the pads of his thumbs.

“I mean this time yesterday I was staring at a concrete wall, and now I’m here with you almost as if I never went away to begin with.” Naruto pouted.

“It felt like you were gone forever.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Sasuke snorted. “It’s not,” Naruto repeated, tilting Sasuke’s chin to make him meet his gaze. They were still a little hazy with medication and a little glassy with pain, but beneath that they were hard and serious. 

Determined to make him understand a truth he could never accept.

Sasuke looked away, opening the door and focusing on helping him out to the kitchen. Naruto groaned as Sasuke helped him sit down.

“Good?”

“Yeah, yeah. Once I’m down I’m good, once I’m up I’m good, it’s the process in between that hurts.” Sasuke nodded. 

“Fair enough.”

Sasuke turned and started prepping something for Naruto to eat, not really even paying attention to what he was making. Naruto rarely made demands for something specific, relying on Sasuke to feed him a somewhat balanced diet. _Like a wife…_ Sasuke snorted at the thought.

“Something funny?”

“Just a stupid thought.”

“Tell me. I’ve been bored outta my skull. Your stupid thoughts’ve gotta be better than mine.”

“Well, I was just thinking how-”

He was cut off by knocking at the door.

“Again? Why isn’t anyone at school?” he wondered aloud.

“Wait, again? Who was here?”  
“Sakura. She said hi. And don’t eat all the snacks.”

“Wait, what-?”

Sasuke could hear the voices on the other side, and he rolled his eyes as he swung the door open.

“What the hell are you three doing here? Go. To. Class.”

“Well y’see, Sasuke, without you we just reverted back to our delinquent ways. What’s the point in going to school if you’re not around?” Suigetsu replied smoothly, shoving him aside to walk in and see the apartment. “Nart! Wassup, bud?” Sasuke sighed, stepping aside and letting Karin and Juugo in, too. 

“Hey, can I talk to you?” Karin asked, looking worried. _Oh fuck this-_

“Little busy, Karin. Take a seat.”

He locked the door and brushed past her, taking the eggs and vegetables back out.

“Who’s eating?” he called.

“Me!” all four chorused.

“Food allergies,” he demanded.

“None.”  
“None.”

“Strawberries.”  
“Gluten.”

“Karin, you’re allergic to strawberries?” Naruto asked.

“Yeah. Sometimes I eat ‘em anyway but I don’t have any meds with me so I can’t.”

“What exactly is gluten anyway?” Suigetsu asked, looking to Juugo for an answer but receiving it from Karin instead. Sasuke just sighed again, focusing on the bowl of beaten eggs and veggies that would soon become omelettes. _Good thing I was already making something that’s safe for all of them…_

Sasuke added the spices and started heating the pan. He felt Karin sidle up next to him, feigning casualness as she pulled down the appropriate number of plates.

“Okay, so I know you’re probably pissed and you have every reason to be, but I’m sorry for how I behaved yesterday. I felt betrayed ‘cause Hinata was splitting the care with me before she was arrested and I took it out on the next available target. It was a douche move, there’s no excuse for it, and it’s okay if you never forgive me, especially after everything you’ve done for me and the boys, and-”

“Karin,” he interrupted. 

“Yeah?” He shot her a meaningful glance.

“Hand me the pepper.”

She smiled. He didn’t have to be as explicit with her as he’d been with Sakura. She knew him much better. The understanding of his forgiveness was mutual, though he’d certainly dangle it over her head for teasing purposes later, and things were fine between them now. As far as Sasuke was concerned, they’d never _stopped_ being fine, actually. Karin’s moods could be volatile at times, not too unlike Sasuke himself. Where he took to coldness and silent treatment, she broke out in sudden outbursts of anger. He could understand that. _A lot like Sakura,_ he realized, flipping an omelette over. _It’s surprising they aren’t closer. They’re very similar that way. Normally even-keeled and competent, but when anger takes over they become totally different people. Karin will make you feel like human garbage, Sakura will beat you to a pulp. I wonder if they formed a united front, would they go at each other’s throats or destroy everything in their path? It’s an interesting thought. If they both start hanging around more often, it’s likely we’ll find out…_

Sasuke handed a finished omelette off to Karin.

“Naruto,” he instructed. She nodded, passing it to him. Sick and injured people always eat first. He started on the second omelette. “So Karin, tell me. What made you think Hinata was a good choice?”

“Why wouldn’t she have been a good choice? Up until the news broke, she was just a quiet, awkward-but-well-intentioned schoolmate. When she showed up offering to help, I wasn’t in a position to turn her down. Naruto wasn’t in great shape, and I couldn’t be here twenty-four-seven.” He nodded. “If it makes you feel any better, she didn’t spend much time alone with him. Sakura, Shikamaru, and Kiba all came around to help, too. I was here the most, but them being here let me sleep and go to work.” He nodded again. “She didn’t do anything suspicious around any of us.” Another nod, flipping an omelette again.

“Does Naruto remember anything?”  
“He couldn’t think of anything weird, either. He just liked the nightstand.” Sasuke rolled his eyes. “I offered to chuck it out the window. Still could, if you want.”  
“Nope. I have plans for it.”

“Gonna go back to your old ways and burn it?” she asked cheekily. He snorted.

“More like decoupage it.” Karin snorted back.

“It’s incredible I didn’t realize you were gay sooner.”

He hummed noncommittally, handing her the next omelette. She set it in front of Juugo for good behavior, no doubt. Suigetsu was always in trouble as far as she was concerned.

“So, uh… you two. How have things been?”

“Well, I just got out of prison and he’s been too doped up until about five minutes ago to do much of anything so. Good, I guess?” She laughed, hopping up to sit on the counter. He batted at her leg. “Hey, hey, no! We prepare food there!”

“Jeez, alright. Whattya gonna do next, shake your fist and tell me to get off your lawn?”  
“God, I’d _die_ to see Sasuke at seventy-something years old yelling at kids to get off his lawn,” Suigetsu cut in. “Promise me you’ll live long enough for me to see that?” Sasuke snorted.

“Your ass’ll be senile and trapped in a nursing home by then.”

“Hey, I’m not that much older than you!”

“He _is_ the baby,” Juugo pointed out. Naruto cackled.

“Are you serious?! You guys call him ‘the baby’?!”

“Of course, he’s the youngest! He’s the only one allowed to be the baby!”

“Wait, wait, but I’m younger than Sasuke. What’s that make me?”  
“Well, Naruto, that makes you the youngest,” Karin said, pushing her glasses up her face. “And I believe that means you have taken the title from Sasuke.”

“Really?! I’m the baby?!” Sasuke bit the inside of his lip to keep from laughing, flipping the third omelette.

“Do you wanna be the baby, Naruto?” he asked, glancing back over his shoulder. Naruto flushed.

“W-well, not if _you_ wanna be the baby…” Sasuke finally barked out a little laugh.

“It’s fine. You’re the youngest, you’re the baby. That’s the rule.”

“Aw, guess I can’t tease Sasuke about changing his diaper anymore,” Suigetsu lamented. Sasuke sent him a withering glare, reaching for a kitchen knife. “Hey, no stabby! We made a deal!”

“You had to make a deal with him to not stab you?” Naruto asked. Suigetsu laughed.

“Kid, there’s a whole lot about Sasuke you don’t know. Wanna hear some stories?”

And that’s how a friendly visit became a trip down memory lane. A trip Sasuke did _not_ want to take. He tuned out, focusing on the food. He ate his omelette at the counter, with his back turned. He served drinks and did dishes. He set out snacks. And when they still weren’t finished, Sasuke went into the living room and curled in the corner of the couch with a book he wasn’t really reading. He heard everything despite himself. The time they robbed the mayor’s house. The time they torched a rival gang leader’s car. The time they hunted down a former associate of their boss and nearly ripped him to shreds. The time they called in a bomb threat to the school to evacuate it, pluck one of the students, and use her as a hostage to get to her older sister. In return, Naruto told them about their middle school years, before Sasuke met the other three. He told them about the scraps they’d gotten into and the cigarettes they smoked when they ditched school and the booze they bought from high schoolers just to turn around and sell for a mark-up to kids their own age. He tried to ignore it, tried to understand how the four of them could have _possibly_ thought these were good times to reminisce on, but it didn’t work. He just ended up gripping his book with white knuckles and boiling over. He only tuned back in when he heard Karin’s voice float his way.

“Alright, boys, we’ve bothered these two long enough. Naruto needs to rest and I’m sure Sasuke has other things he’d rather be doing.”

“Ah, that’s right. The lovebirds haven’t had a proper reunion yet, have they?” Suigetsu said, waggling his eyebrows. Sasuke rolled his eyes and Karin smacked him upside the head. All was as it should be. And yet, Sasuke felt dread coiling cold in his chest as he ushered them out. Karin kissed his cheek on her way.

“Thanks for being so chill about all this. It’s… not exactly a normal situation to be in.” He just snorted.

“Our group? In a normal situation? It’ll never happen.” He waved her off. “It’s fine. Go home and get some rest.” She smiled as he shut the door behind her, set all the locks, and scrubbed the kiss from his cheek with his sleeve. _Gross._ He sighed at the door. _And now, time for the conversation I absolutely did not want to have and am gonna be forced to anyway…_

He turned back into the kitchen, busying himself with packing away the remains of the snacks and placing the empty dishes in the sink.

“Sasuke,” Naruto called. He didn’t look yet, opening drawers and rummaging through them to look busy.

“Hn?”

“Can we be in bed a while?” He swallowed, nodding as he turned back around. Naruto hissed as Sasuke helped him stand back up and hobble to the bedroom, and he held back a cry as Sasuke helped him lay in bed, arranging the pillows and stuffed animals to keep him supported.

“Meds?”

“No. Just you.” Sasuke nodded again, slipping under the covers beside him and curling against his side. Naruto idly toyed with his hair, and for a few moments it was just the sound of their breathing that filled the room. “You got into some wild shit when you were younger.” Sasuke nodded, tensing. “Will you tell me about what was going on in your head during that time? Please?” Sasuke sighed.

“It was a bad time.”

“I know. Tell me about it.” Sasuke glanced up. Naruto’s eyes were closed, waiting, ready to listen. 

“I was angry,” he admitted. “I was angry and confused and scared. It made me weak and vulnerable. So when someone powerful turned up and offered to lend me some, I took it. I did what he said. I may be the youngest, but I was the leader of our little band. If he told me to torch a car, I brought the kids out and torched a car. If he wanted someone dead, we killed them.” 

Naruto inhaled sharply, hard enough to hurt his ribs, Sasuke was sure.

“Why?” he exhaled. Sasuke swallowed.

“He told me he knew who killed my parents. All I had to do was earn the right to that knowledge.” He glanced up. Naruto was staring at the ceiling, wide-eyed. “Are you afraid of me now, Naruto?” He squeezed Sasuke’s hand.

“No. I’m afraid _for_ you.”

“Don’t be. He’s dead as a door nail.” Naruto heaved a deep sigh of relief.

“Thank god.”

He cleared his throat, rubbing the spaces between Sasuke’s fingers.

“Did you enjoy it?” he asked.

“Enjoy what?”  
“Committing crimes? Doing his bidding?” Sasuke snorted.

“Not even a little. But the consequences for not doing what he wanted were too great to refuse.” Naruto swallowed thickly. 

“What were the consequences?” Sasuke shook his head.

“I don’t wanna talk about that now. You’ll have nightmares.” Naruto swallowed again.

“And you?” He snorted again, sitting up.

“I was gonna have them anyway.”

He occupied his hands with sorting Naruto’s pills. Antibiotics and painkillers, mostly. 

“Open,” he instructed softly. Naruto opened his mouth. Sasuke placed the pills on his tongue and handed him the water. He watched Naruto swallow them. “Show me.” He opened his mouth, lifted his tongue. Sasuke nodded, satisfied, and set the empty glass on the nightstand. He patted the top of it. “Whattya wanna about this?” Naruto hummed, eyes closing. 

“I have a few ideas. Can you get me some paint?”

Sasuke finally found it in himself to smile.

“As much as you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so apparently i'm illiterate?? forgot to proofread before i hit post and Hoo Boy is this something. think i caught all the mistakes tho haha (；・∀・) hope you liked it! chapter 13 will hopefully be ready by late jan/early feb.


	13. The Retiree

Sasuke was mid-way through scrubbing the floor when the phone rang. Karin and the boys had come by to take him to a follow-up appointment with a doctor. Sasuke had stayed home at Naruto’s request, because he’d been expecting a call and needed Sasuke to take the message for him.  _ This must be it.  _ He got up, wiping sweat from his brow and tucking the phone between his shoulder and his ear.

“Uchiha-Uzumaki residence, Uchiha speaking.”

“Oh, Sasuke. What a pleasant surprise,” came a familiar voice. “How are you?” He swallowed.   
“Fine. And you, Iruka?”  _ Is Naruto in trouble? What’s going on? I’ll kick Iruka’s ass if Naruto’s in trouble, it’s not his fault he’s not in school- _

“Good, good. Is Naruto there?”

“No, he’s at a doctor’s appointment. He asked me to take your message.” He pulled off his gloves, grabbing the notepad and pen.

“Oh, alright. I need to speak with him about graduation. He can reach me at this number-” 

Sasuke nodded, scribbling down the number and repeating it back to him.

“And Sasuke, while I have you on the line, I’d like to speak to you about graduation as well.”

“Okay,” he said apprehensively.

“Are you planning to come back to school?” 

Sasuke blinked a few times.  _ I hadn’t even… thought about it…  _

“Yes. Once Naruto’s better.”   
“I see. And you’ll have an estimate of his recovery time when he returns?”

“I would assume so, yes.”

“Alright. Let’s do this then: when I finish with Naruto, have him hand off the phone to you.”

“Okay. I’ll have Naruto call you back when he gets home.”

“Excellent. Thank you, Sasuke. Be well and let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Sure. Thank you, Iruka. Goodbye.”

He breathed a sigh of relief as he placed the phone back in its cradle. He hated talking on the phone for any amount of time, and  _ especially _ about stressful things. He dragged his feet back to the spot he’d left off scrubbing, resuming his task with far less gusto.  _ I didn’t even think about school. My only concern was Naruto. But he’s okay, he’s going to continue being okay, and I have to start thinking about the future again…  _ He sighed, wiping sweat from his brow on his sleeve.  _ I’ll stay out of school and take care of Naruto as long as it takes. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I don’t care if I graduate late, I’m not on a timeline.  _ His eyes widened.  _ But for Naruto it matters. He’s waiting on acceptance letters for art school. If he doesn’t graduate on time, he won’t be able to go. _

He took a deep breath. _ Alright, alright. If Naruto has to stay out of school a while longer, then he’ll need tutoring to graduate on time. I could drop out for the semester to tutor him. He’ll graduate and be able to go to art school, I could try to make up the work from this semester over the summer, and by the time fall semester starts I’ll be ready to go with him. _ Sasuke blinked.  _ Should I be assuming he wants me to come? I mean… yeah, it would make sense for me to come. I’m his boyfriend and rent-payer. And… I don’t think either of us are too keen on being separated again…  _

The front door flung open.

“We’re home!” Naruto called.

“Welcome home. If I’m making all of you lunch then somebody needs to run to the store,” Sasuke called back.

“No, we gotta go, Sasuke,” Karin responded, helping Naruto hobble down the hall. 

“Come to the living room,” he directed. She steered Naruto toward the couch.

“Why is the floor w-” Sasuke rolled his eyes, gesturing to the bucket of water. “Oh.”

“Take it Iruka called?” Naruto asked. Sasuke nodded.

“Number’s on the table. Hand the phone to me before you hang up.”

Sasuke finished the last spot on the floor as Karin set Naruto down on the couch. He winced a bit- it was past time for his meds- but didn’t complain, just waited patiently for Karin to drag over the phone table. 

“Alright, I’ve got the other two in the car, I gotta go. See you Thursday, yeah?” Karin said.

“Yeah. Thanks again.”

“Any time. Bye.”   
“Bye.”

He heard her leave and lock the door. Naruto cursed as he misdialed, hung up, and tried again. Sasuke dumped the bucket out in their tub and quickly rinsed himself off, wriggling into a fresh set of clothes he’d set out before he began cleaning earlier. When he emerged, Naruto was still on the phone, scribbling notes on the pad of legal paper.

“Alright. Thank you, Iruka. You’re saving my ass,” he said, glancing at Sasuke as he approached. He tilted his head to the side.  _ Can I sit with you?  _ Naruto nodded, patting the empty spot next to him. “Do you mind if I stay here while you talk to him?” he whispered, palm covering the receiver. Sasuke snorted.

“You don’t have a choice, stupid. You can’t walk by yourself.” Naruto stuck his tongue out at him, uncovering the receiver.

“Yes, I hear you. Okay. Thanks again. Here’s Sasuke.”

Sasuke took the phone from him.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Iruka replied. “So, Naruto will be out of school another month, at least. Which means you, presumably, will also be out another month, correct?”   
“Yes.”   
“That may pose a problem for you with graduation, then.”   
“I’m aware, and if I may propose a solution?” Iruka didn’t answer immediately, perhaps a little stunned.

“I’m listening.”

“I’m assuming Naruto’s work will be sent home, and that he’ll need a tutor, right?”   
“Yes.”

“I’ll be the tutor, and make up the last half of this semester over the summer.”

“You’d have to travel to the school on the other side of town for that.”

“I could do that.”

“There won’t be a graduation ceremony.”

“Don’t care.” Iruka sighed on the other end.

“Alright. I’ll do my best to arrange that for you. I’ll call back next week, okay?”   
“Okay. Thanks.”

“Please call me if you need anything.”

“Will do.”

“Alright. Be well, best wishes for Naruto’s recovery.”

“Thank you. Bye.”   
  


Naruto’s head was cocked slightly to the side when Sasuke placed the phone back down.

“So you’re gonna be my tutor?”   
“Most likely.”

“Didn’t think to ask me first?”   
“Didn’t think you’d mind.”   
“You ruined the possibility of them sending Ms. Kurenai, y’know.”

“Or Ebisu.”   
  


Naruto cringed, sticking his tongue out in distaste. Sasuke chuckled, patting Naruto’s knee as he stood up.

“Hungry?”

“Starving.” Sasuke rummaged through the cabinets. There wasn’t much left; it was shopping day, after all.

“Ramen?” he called out.

“Have I  _ ever _ said no to that?” Sasuke laughed, pulling down a few packs and setting a pot of water to boil. He came back and helped Naruto out of his seat. He grunted.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Meds wore off, y’know.” Sasuke nodded, lowering him as gently as he could into a kitchen chair.

“What did the doctor say about weaning off the painkillers?”

“All good. We can start tonight if we want.” Sasuke nodded.

“Did he say how much to do?”

“He said start by cutting one pill in half. If it’s too much, then cut it in a quarter instead.” Sasuke nodded, unsure of how he’d cut a pill that precisely but more than willing to try.

“And the antibiotics?” 

“I’m done once I finish the bottle.” Sasuke nodded. 

“Good, good.”

They shared a companionable silence while the water boiled. Sasuke dropped the blocks of noodles in and stirred idly. He added vinegar, soy sauce, and garlic to go with the seasoning packets. Sasuke glanced back at Naruto. He looked half-asleep, yawning.  _ Maybe reducing the painkillers will help him get a little energy back. As it is now, all he does is sleep…  _ He stirred the noodles.  _ I need to go grocery shopping tonight. Who can I get to watch him? Karin and the boys are busy. Sakura? No, she’s going for a final interview at the state college.  _ His lips pursed into a thin line.  _ As much as I’d like to call Iruka, I don’t think I should. I suppose I could call Shikamaru or Kiba, but I don’t know them that well. They could be busy. Kakashi?  _ He sighed under his breath.

“What are you thinking about?”

He glanced at Naruto over his shoulder again.

“Who’s gonna babysit you so I can buy groceries.” Naruto snorted.

“I’m sure I’ll survive an hour by myself.” Sasuke swallowed, anxiety piercing cold through his heart.

“I don’t think so. You shouldn’t be left alone when you’re doped up like that.”

“We’re cutting my dose down, though, so I won’t be nearly as out of it as usual. As long as I pee before you leave everything should be fine.” Sasuke shook his head.

“I don’t like it.”

He fixed them each a bowl and set them on the table. Naruto’s gaze was steady, albeit tired, and there was a determination in them that made Sasuke sigh preemptively.

“I know you’re scared, Sasuke, but Hinata’s gone. Nothing’s gonna happen to me, y’know.” Sasuke gripped his chopsticks a little tighter.

“Forget Hinata. What if there’s a fire? You couldn’t get out.”

“What are the chances the building will catch fire in the forty-five minutes you’re gone?”   
“Non-zero.” Naruto rolled his eyes.

“Okay, so tell me, Sasuke: have you come up with anyone who could watch me?” He bit his lip.

“Do you know where Kiba and Shikamaru are?”   
“Kiba’s working at the clinic, Shikamaru’s probably away for a debate.” Sasuke sighed heavily.

“I’ll call Kakashi.”

“Kakashi?! I don’t wanna see him!” Naruto whined.

“Well, Sakura’s away for a college interview and Karin and the boys are busy. We don’t really have any other options.”   
“What about Iruka? I like him.”   
“Do you really want him to think we can’t handle this on our own? He might send a social worker or some shit.” Naruto grimaced.

“Yeah, you’re right. Neither of us need more of them meddling.”

“Exactly.”

They ate through the next silence.

“Call Kakashi,” Naruto relented at last.

He was there in half an hour, which was shockingly fast considering the number of times he’d been late to his own drama club rehearsals. 

“Yo,” he greeted. Sasuke stepped aside to let him in.

“Shoes off, please. I just scrubbed the floor.”

“Oh, how-”   
“If you say ‘domestic’ or ‘cute’ I swear to god-”   
“Alright, alright,” he placated, laughing. Kakashi followed him down the hall.

“Want anything? We have leftover ramen if you’re hungry.”

“Thanks kiddo, but I’m good. Maybe later,” he said, shrugging out of his jacket and draping it over one of the kitchen chairs while Sasuke washed dishes.

“Naruto’s in the bedroom. He already took his meds and is probably asleep by now.”

“So I’m just gonna watch him sleep?”   
“You can read anything you want,” he offered, pointing with his shoulder toward the bookcases. Kakashi’s eyes crinkled in that smirking way they had.

“You’re really worried about something happening to him, huh?”

“Of course I am. I love him.”

He paused at how easily the admission came out. _ I don’t think I’ve said that to another person before. How weird…  _

“I can tell.” Kakashi’s voice had something soft to it then, like maybe he was remembering a past love. Sasuke chose not to acknowledge it, turning as he dried the dishes.

“Anyway, I’ll be an hour at most. Thanks again for coming by on such short notice.” Kakashi waved a dismissive hand as Sasuke made his way to the door, tugging on a pair of shoes and a jacket.

“Not like I have anything better to do. I’m just a bored old man.” Sasuke snorted.

“Have fun, don’t break anything.”

“Aw!”

Sasuke always meticulously organized his grocery list by location so he could zip down the aisles with his little granny cart as fast as possible. He  _ hated _ the grocery store. The lights were too loud and people were constantly pressing up against him and everything had a weirdly sterile smell that reminded him just a little too much of hospitals. It’s why he normally went on Monday nights, when there wasn’t as much traffic. With Naruto shopping was more bearable, but also took longer because he tended to pick things up as they went along or go back to retrieve things he forgot about (or return things Sasuke refused to spend money on). This was the first time Sasuke had to do it himself since they started living together. It was weird not to have Naruto yammering in his ear or trying to help him calculate which products were a better deal (he was always wrong) or dancing beside him to the music playing tinny and sharp over the store’s speakers. It only solidified the fact that Sasuke couldn’t stand it if anything worse happened to Naruto.  _ This would be my life again. Alone. I… Have I already forgotten how to be alone? Jail was awful, even surrounded by others. The thought of being alone in my apartment the rest of my life....  _ He shivered, and chose to shove that imagery aside so he could focus on getting through the checkout line. He gave the cashier a smile that was barely a showing of teeth, and she pulled up an equally unenthused expression.  _ Thank god, I hate the chatty ones…  _

He wheeled the cart back uphill. It sucked, since it was heavy now with groceries, but at least it had wheels. He bitterly recalled the days where he and Itachi were too poor to buy one, and they’d had to haul their bags home with plastic cutting into their skin.  _ Can’t believe he could have bought a cart that whole time. Stupid ANBU undercover shit.  _ He heaved a sigh.  _ I have to make sure they stay out of our lives. Akatsuki, too. Have to keep Naruto safe, promised Itachi…  _ He grunted as he heaved the cart through the door to their building and into his arms, walking it slowly up the stairs.  _ I’m sure they’ll think I’m vulnerable. Fresh outta jail, recently outta the closet… yeah, they’ll be gunning hard for me.  _ He paused halfway up, readjusting his grip. The metal was hurting his hands, but such was life.  _ With Naruto injured, he could easily become a bargaining chip for either side. All they have to do is threaten him and I’d fold right away…  _ He set the cart back down on their floor with a sigh, stretching his neck and rolling his shoulders. He wheeled it down to their door, fishing his keys out of his pocket.  _ We’ll be okay, though. We’re keeping a low profile, he’s only with people we can trust- _

He paused. Kakashi was standing at the kitchen sink, his sweater abandoned on the same chair as his jacket, leaving his arms bare in a tanktop as he washed dishes.  _ No.  _

“You’re back early.” _No!_ He blinked up at Sasuke. “Oh, what, the outfit? You guys keep it like a sauna in here, I had to take off the sweater.” Sasuke shook his head.  _ No no no no no…!  _ Fear rattled in every bone, screaming at him to run, but he didn’t. He just stood his ground and stared with large, unblinking eyes. “What’s up, kid? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“ANBU,” he finally managed, the memory of that swirly design tattooed into his brain as surely as it was tattooed on Kakashi’s arm. He blinked at Sasuke again.

“Wanna speak up? I’m an old man, remember.”   
“You’re ANBU.” And just like that, fear turned to rage as all the pieces fell into place.  _ He was assigned to watch me he’s been watching for months he’s onto me he’s onto us he’s gonna try to recruit me I can’t let him recruit me I can’t let him destroy my family I can’t-!  _ “Get the fuck out of my house!” he snarled, snapping his knife out.  Kakashi set the glass he’d washed slowly on the dish rack, raising damp hands in surrender, the dish towel still clutched in one.   
“Now, Sasuke, there’s no need to do something rash-”

“Why did they send you?!” he demanded.

“They didn’t.”

“Liar!” he accused, his own pulse hot in his ears. 

“I swear it's the truth. I’m  _ retired _ .” His face twisted into an ugly sneer.

“Oh, so I’m just supposed to believe an ex-ANBU has  _ coincidentally _ been watching me for months? I’m not stupid, Kakashi!”

The man sighed. Sasuke tracked his movements carefully as he lowered his hands and dried them briskly on the towel.

“Why don’t you take a seat, Sasuke?” he offered, going to sit down in a chair.

“Didn’t I tell you to get the fuck outta my house?” he growled. Kakashi blinked impassively, and that made Sasuke want to scream, but he was cognizant of Naruto in the next room so he kept his voice low. Kakashi sighed again.

“I’m gettin’ too old for this shit…” He straightened up in his seat. “ANBU didn’t send me. I really am retired. But I _was_ sent.”

“By who?”

“Your brother.”

Sasuke froze. The fear was in his veins now, pumping slow and cold as if his blood had turned to slush. 

“ _ What _ ?!” Kakashi took a deep breath, studying Sasuke. It made his skin crawl.

“I was the one who recruited Itachi into the force. He was my direct report. I spent a lot of time watching both of you over the years. When I retired, he requested I become your drama instructor so someone could keep tabs on you.” Sasuke’s head spun. He felt sick, free hand gripping the grocery cart to ground himself.

“ _ Why _ ?” Kakashi’s gaze met his, hard and serious.

“Because Akatsuki is planning something big, and ANBU is gearing up to deal the deathblow.”

Sasuke’s breathing was going haywire.

“My job isn’t to recruit you,” Kakashi assured, hands up and placating. “I’m doing this as a favor to Itachi. I owe that boy my life. I wasn’t there to save his, so the least I can do is make sure his brother lives. You’re in danger, and you need me around if you’re gonna get out of it unscathed.” He couldn’t respond. So many scenarios flashed across his mind at once, he could feel himself short-circuiting. They all ended with Naruto in a pool of blood just as his brother and mother and father and  _ that man _ had been, and- “I’ll give you some time to process this. In the meantime, tell me if anything happens.”

Sasuke’s eyes trailed him the whole way to the door, watched him slip into his shoes and pull his sweater and jacket back over his head, but he was hardly paying attention, mind still reeling. 

“See ya soon, kid.”

Sasuke crumpled to the floor the moment he heard the click of the door shutting. He gripped his chest. Each breath stabbed the inside of his ribs, and there was a metallic taste in his mouth that made him shudder.  _ Get a grip, Uchiha, get a grip!  _ He leaned back against the cart, head tilted back as he fought for control over his body.  _ Panic attacks won’t help. Panic attacks won’t help…  _

He wasn't sure how long he sat there. He swayed as he got back up on his feet, shaky with pins and needles in his legs. He staggered down the hall and locked the door. _Gotta… secure the house… but groceries first…_ He stowed them away mindlessly, probably putting several things in the wrong places but he couldn’t care less at the moment. As soon as the cart was empty, he checked the windows in the living room, not only making sure they were locked but also making sure the pieces of wood he’d lodged between the top and bottom panes were still strong. _Okay. Bedroom next._ He jumped at the sight of bright blue eyes, fully expecting Naruto to be asleep. Instead, he was upright in bed, brows knit together in concern.

“What’s ANBU?”  _ Fuck…  _

“I’ll explain when you’re  _ not _ high,” he grumbled, slipping in to check the window.  _ I should set up a trap or something. God knows I’m not gonna sleep well, but I need something to wake me up in case I do and someone tries to get in- _

“You’re getting weird. Talk to me.” Sasuke frowned.

“I’m always weird. Go back to sleep.”

“You sounded angry. Did you and Kakashi have a fight?”

“I’ll explain when you’re not high,” Sasuke repeated, twirling his knife in his hand as he thought about what to do.  _ We don’t need an alarm in the morning, I’m basically living on Naruto’s medicine schedule by now. I could rig the alarm clock to a pulley system that responds to the window opening or closing- _

“I’m a lot more with-it now. I’ll remember what we talk about this time.”

Sasuke sighed, raking an irritable hand through his hair.

“Naruto, I don’t really  _ want _ to talk about-”

“That’s the thing, though: you  _ never _ wanna talk.” He folded his arms over his chest and pouted for emphasis.  _ Don’t take the bait, don’t take the bait- _

“There’s nothing you can do about it, so there’s no point in talking.” He examined the window again.  _ Did I already check it? Fuck it, I’ll check it again. Last time I didn’t double-check something, Naruto ended up shot…  _ So he returned to the window and checked the locks again, checked the pieces of wood, and picked his train of thought back up.  _ So pulley system, alarm clock. So if the window opens, it’ll make a sound and alert me. I can hear it from everywhere in the apartment- _

“What if talking about it made you feel better?” Naruto insisted. “What if I actually  _ can _ help with something? We’ll never know if you don’t tell me anything.” Sasuke’s jaw ticked.

“It won’t make me feel better, and there’s nothing you can do. Trust me.”

“I do trust you, but Sasuke-”   
“What part of ‘I don’t wanna talk about it’ don’t you understand, moron?” Naruto’s face cycled through emotions too quickly for him to decipher, but Sasuke soured when it settled on cold and determined.

“Fine. I won’t make you do it now. But we  _ will _ talk about this.”

With that, Naruto sank back down into the bed and pulled the covers up over his head. Sasuke bit back harsh words, stalking out of the room and slamming the door shut. He knew a cue to leave when he saw one.

For the first time since Naruto moved in, Sasuke slept on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> our first real lovers' quarrel, oof. hope you liked it. 
> 
> be prepared for a very angsty next chapter, hopefully up by the end of this month!


	14. The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angsty hurt/comfort, get it while it's hot folx!!!

The ticking of the clock was excruciatingly loud in the tense quiet of their kitchen.

Naruto sat across from Sasuke. Sakura had arrived at six o’clock in the morning with a huge bundle of papers and an offer to help catch up after school. Sasuke had already been up, operating on not a single minute of sleep. He declined and sent her on her way so she wouldn’t be late for class. He was more than capable of helping Naruto with his missed school work, even with exhaustion buzzing in his head where thoughts should be. They started with history; Sasuke spent the morning completing the assignments himself in a separate notebook, and when Naruto woke around nine they ate and Sasuke began tutoring. Naruto was clearly still upset, eyebrows slanted at an angry forty-five degree angle and lips pressed into a thin line. Sasuke did most of the talking as he explained things to Naruto. When he wasn’t teaching, they sat in the same stony silence.

Naruto’s hands were buried in his hair as he reread the same page over again.  _ I wonder if he’s not retaining it because he’s lost in thought, or because he can’t grasp the material…  _ Blue eyes snapped up to meet black.

“What?” he demanded.

“Do you need help?” Sasuke asked in the most calm, even tone he could manage.

“No.” He looked back down at the page, brows furrowed even more than before.  _ Stubborn brat.  _ Naruto growled to himself, rubbing his eyes as he tried again to focus on the words.

“Would a break be helpful?”

“You shutting the fuck up would be helpful,” he grumbled. Rage flared in the pit of his stomach.

“Indecisive prick.” Naruto tensed, but did not look up yet.

“You wanna repeat that, bastard?”

“In. Decisive. Prick,” he repeated, enunciating each syllable sharply. Naruto smacked his pencil down on the table. His eyes roiled like the sea just before a storm.  _ That’s it. Take the bait so we can settle this- _ “One minute you want me to speak, the next you want me quiet. Sure would be nice if you could make up your mind for once.”

Naruto’s whole face tensed. Sasuke anticipated him to start yelling, almost looked forward to it; he knew how to handle Naruto’s anger, he was comfortable with screaming and profanity. Instead, Naruto ground his teeth audibly and shoved his seat back so hard it nearly tipped backward.

“I’m taking a break,” he announced in a husky voice Sasuke knew that meant he was approaching the breaking point. He’d been insistent on walking around on his own today, so Sasuke merely observed as he hobbled to the fridge, peering into it from a distance so he wouldn’t have to bend. _ He’s putting a little more weight on that leg now. Improvement. The exercises the doctor recommended must be working then- _ “Can I fucking help you?”

Sasuke blinked. He hadn’t realized he was staring. 

“You just gonna look at me all stupid forever or you gonna answer me?” he demanded. Sasuke soured.

“I thought you wanted me quiet.”   
“Like you’ve ever cared about what I want.”

“Maybe if you were fucking consistent I’d  _ know _ what you want.”

“I’ve wanted the same thing for years, Sasuke, but you won’t give it to me no matter how I behave. So why not act out?”   
“You’re being immature.”

“Well what choice have you left me?!” he snapped, slamming the refrigerator door. A sick part of Sasuke deflated in pure relief at the shrill quality his voice was taking on.  _ Do the old song and dance with me, Naruto. Start yelling, make it about feelings instead of explanations, let me wriggle my way out of it again by appealing to your heart rather than your curiosity- _ He took a deep breath, steadying himself with a hand against the counter. “I want to know what happened. I want to know why. And I want to know  _ now _ .” Sasuke frowned.  _ Why aren’t you yelling?! _

“That’s not how any of this works. Talking about it won’t help, it’s in the past now, there’s nothing you can do. None of it matters, remember? You said it yourself.”

Naruto laughed. Sort of. It was more a furious exhale than anything else, and tears swam in his eyes.

“You’re so fucking selfish.” Sasuke started, eyes going wide and jaw clenching so hard he almost couldn’t push words out between his teeth.

“ _ Excuse me _ ?!” he hissed. Naruto held his head up and rolled his shoulders back, defiant.

“You’re fucking selfish.”   
“I’m trying to protect you!” he yowled, his chair slamming back against the counter with how quickly he stood. The rational part of him was scrambling for control.  _ It’s supposed to be him that’s yelling, not you, don’t let him break your composure, get a grip-!  _ The roar of blood in his ears drowned that voice out, breathing harsh and fast.

“If what happened in the past is so insignificant, then how could knowing it hurt me now?” he reasoned. He took a step closer, challenging, and Sasuke’s whole body prickled with the instinct to fight or flee. “What are you trying to protect me from?”

He was caught. He was caught and he knew it, but he couldn’t handle the idea of dropping his whole burden on Naruto at once, so he did the only thing he knew how: fight.

“I can’t fucking tell you that! You know I can’t!”

“Why?!” he demanded. “Tell me why!”   
“Because the more you know, the more danger you’ll be in!”

“Danger from who? ANBU?”

“Don’t get involved with ANBU!” he cried, panic gripping his chest.

“How can I avoid them if I don’t know what they are! Sasuke, don’t you see it? You’re putting me in danger by not  _ telling _ me!”

Sasuke drew in a sharp breath, trying to make it cut through the sudden block in his throat. He was right, but that didn’t mean Sasuke had to accept it.  _ Just give him a little. Just enough to keep him safe…  _ He drew another deep breath, sinking back down into his chair and resting his elbows on the table, bracketing his head between his arms and lacing his fingers behind his head. Naruto warily followed his lead, gingerly lowering himself into the seat beside him.

“ANBU is a group of government-contracted hitmen and spies.” He sensed Naruto stiffen beside him. “They’re bad news. They’re… mobilizing to take out Akatsuki. So I’m gonna be a recruiting target for  _ both _ groups, and they’re gonna use you as leverage and Naruto, I can’t lose you, I  _ can’t _ so I-”

“Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke,” Naruto interrupted, grabbing his wrist. “I’m not going anywhere, you’re not gonna lose me. Quit freaking out.”

He was breathing raggedly again, through his teeth as fear and rage mixed into an unholy cocktail in his stomach. He gulped down a deep breath.

“Try to calm down,” he soothed again. “Tell me, Sasuke, how… how did you get mixed up in all this? I mean… Akatsuki  _ and _ ANBU?” He shook his head.  _ It’s too much. It’s too much…! _

“I… can’t tell you all that.”

“Why not?!” he demanded.

“I already told you, the more you know, the more danger you’ll be in!” he snarled, rage flaring back to life, hiding in the shadows cast by the flames.   
“Bullshit! If I don’t know anything, then how am I supposed to defend myself? How am I gonna know who is and isn’t safe? How am I supposed to look out for you?”

“I can look out for both of us!”   
“Oh yeah, ‘cause that’s been working out  _ real _ well for you so far, hasn’t it?” he snapped. 

Sasuke drew himself up as tall as he could on an inhale, chest puffed, then let it all out in one long, angry stream. It was a cheap shot. He should have ignored it, but he couldn’t. It prodded at a wound that was already oozing, and the pain seeped out under the guise of anger. 

“You have no idea what I’ve been through trying to keep you away from it all. Do you think I enjoy this? Do you think I like pushing you away?!” He slammed his fist against the table. “God _ damn _ it, Naruto, I hate this! I hate it, but I can’t stop!” 

“Yes you can.”

Sasuke snapped his head up, finally meeting Naruto’s gaze. His whole disposition had changed. He looked sad and small and Sasuke’s heart shattered beneath that blue stare wet with unshed tears.

“It hurts, doesn’t it, Sasuke?”

The question sank like a blade between his ribs. 

“It hurts keeping everything inside like that, right?” Naruto’s gaze drifted to his hands, folded on the table. “When I was a kid, before we met, I tried to keep it all inside, too. But I couldn’t. The burden was too heavy. So I found people I could share that burden with. First Iruka, then you, then Sakura and Shikamaru and Kiba and the drama club. Before I knew it, I didn’t have to keep things inside anymore, because I had so many people to help me carry the burden.” Sasuke swallowed thickly. He knew where this was going, but Naruto pinned him with a determined gaze before he could intercept. “Share your burden with me, Sasuke. Let me shoulder it and help you carry the load.” Sasuke’s voice cracked into a mirthless laugh.

“Since when are you so poetic…” The weak attempt at a joke fell as flat as he anticipated. He sighed, shaking his head. “You don’t want this burden, Naruto. It’s too great. I… I’m afraid it’ll crush you.” He scoffed. “Assuming you even believe me,” he added as a bitter afterthought. Naruto’s brow knit in concern.

“Why wouldn’t I believe you?”

“Because it sounds insane.”   
“Well, _something_ had to make you the crazy bastard I know and love.” Sasuke scoffed again, or maybe it was another misshapen laugh. He didn’t even know anymore.

“Promise you won’t toss me in the looney bin?”

“On my mother’s grave.” Sasuke heaved a weary sigh. He was so tired.

“Alright. Get ready for the fucking sob story of Sasuke Uchiha.”

_

Desperation.

Desperation had led him here, to the snake’s den. 

His parents were gone. Itachi was never home. He had no one to guide him, and no answers. Finally, someone had stepped up to the plate. He offered money, which was nice, and power, which was even better, and answers, which was what Sasuke wanted more than anything in the world. He didn’t recognize the trap already set around him.

“All you have to do is earn the knowledge.”

It sounded so simple then. _ All I have to do is prove my loyalty, do what he wants, then leave as soon as I get answers, _ he’d thought. He was young, only twelve years old, so they couldn’t ask him for anything too awful, could they?

Could they?

He worked tirelessly for a year. Thirteen years old, feeling like thirty. He was barely in school anymore. At this rate, it was either get out or dwell here forever. And still, he was not one step closer to getting any answers.  _ I’ve stolen, torched, hurt, killed… what more could he possibly want from me? _

“Who killed my parents?”

“You haven’t earned that knowledge yet.” Sasuke’s nails dug into the floor. 

“I’ve done everything you asked. I’ve never refused, I’ve never half-assed it. Why can’t I know?”

“Because I have greater uses for you still. You’re a smart boy, cunning. You’ll leave as soon as you get what you want.” 

He bristled. He had never voiced that aloud. How had he read Sasuke’s every intention? Was he that obvious? The snake was on the move, stepping around his desk until his shoes were right under Sasuke’s nose.

“I won’t keep you waiting much longer. All you have to do is eliminate a certain target.” Sasuke’s whole body clenched.  _ I hate elimination jobs. At least the others will be there-  _ “On your own.” His head snapped upward, glaring.

“No deal!”

“I’m afraid you don’t have much of a choice, dear boy.”

His backhands always hurt. He was certain a ring or two had drawn blood this time, but he ignored it, his gaze boring holes into the floorboards instead. 

“And mind your manners. You know how I feel about eye contact.” Sasuke grimaced. “You already know your target. It should be easy.”

“Who.” And it wasn’t a question because he had already resigned himself to it. No was never an option with the snake. He raised his eyes only enough to watch the man’s lips curl into a wicked smile.

“Naruto Uzumaki.”

“ _ What _ ?!” he cried, eyes flashing with fear and rage.

“You need to cut ties,” he explained, staring down at Sasuke like a bug on the ground, too insignificant to even be upset by the eye contact now. “He is the only thing tethering you to your old life. Eliminate him, become mine, and  _ then _ I will give you the answers you need.” Sasuke looked back down, swallowing hard.

“If all I need to do is cut ties, then why can’t we just send him away? 

“You need to cut ties  _ permanently _ .”

“Or what?”

“Your precious brother will die.”

Just one week. That was all he had. It was so little time. His plan was flawed, so much could go wrong, but at least he had one.

“Team Taka,” Sasuke said, feeling small as he kow-towed before them. “Please, help me. I’m begging. I’ll free you in time if you help just this once.” 

They were all indebted to the snake in some way. They had all been promised the things they wanted most, and they were getting frustrated with the lack of reward. It felt less like a job or a family, and far more like indentured servitude. Never praised, only punished. Their expressions were stony, but fire blazed in their eyes.

“I’m in,” Karin said.

“Ditto,” Suigetsu agreed. Juugo nodded his consent.  _ I hope this works…  _

He faked a blow-out argument. He challenged Naruto to a fight. The other three members of Taka blocked off the area where Sasuke met Naruto and kept watch. This was it. Now or never. He brandished a knife- not his usual one, he couldn’t bear it- with a grip hard enough to deaden the shaking of his hand.

“Why are you doing this?” Naruto pleaded. “I don’t wanna fight you like this!”

“I do,” he growled, and every word hurt as it rumbled free from his chest. He held up his knife. “Let’s get started, coward.”

Naruto fought valiantly. Sasuke pretended to be out for the kill, but he wasn’t.  _ Incapacitate _ .  _ The old man will be here soon…  _ Naruto believed his acting. He believed he was fighting for his life.  _ All going according to plan. _

“Sasuke, please!” Naruto pleaded again. “We don’t have to do this-!” Sasuke’s gut twisted, covered in cuts and bruises, panting. The words felt like acid on his tongue.

“Shut up and die already!”

The rain beat a heavy drum on the pavement. Blood swirled in the puddle beneath them. Both of their blood. Naruto’s face was still and eyes were closed. He breathed, though, Sasuke could feel it puffing hot on his face, and that was the only thing that kept him from throwing his head back and keening. Where was the old man? He should have been there by now to find him, to throw him in the car and speed him off to a hospital. If he waited too long, Naruto would die. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m sorry,” he wanted to say. “I wish there were another way,” he wanted to say. “I’m only doing this to protect you,” he wanted to say. But he couldn’t, not now. The pain was too great, his left arm was nothing but one big searing pain. It was nothing compared to the pain in his heart, though. There was nothing that hurt worse than looking down at Naruto as the rain soaked through his clothes, as if even the sky cried for the tragedy of them. 

“Naruto, I…” 

He heard the familiar sound of Jiraiya’s car coming.  _ If I don’t get away soon, this will all have been for nothing…  _ He gritted his teeth, forcing himself to stand. Pain pulsed all over his body. There would be scars. Still nothing compared to the guilt that burned in his lungs and the shame that pricked his eyes.

He limped eighteen blocks, leaving a trail of diluted red in his wake, weaving through alleys, trying to avoid being seen. Finally, he saw the nondescript blue car, and he sank into the passenger’s seat.

“It’s done?” the snake asked with that ugly, rasping voice.

“It is,” he lied.

He shoved his hand in his pocket and gripped his knife just in case he could tell.

He was standing before that snake again. Two years had passed. He belonged to Orochimaru now, had cemented his place by his side as right-hand man. Last he heard, Naruto was traveling with Jiraiya, safe. Itachi lived. Sasuke was covered in bandages from his latest mission. He couldn’t kneel, so he stood, feeling woozy. Determination alone kept him upright. 

“You’re never going to tell me who killed them, are you.” It wasn’t a question. He already knew the answer. He just needed to hear him say it.

“Sasuke, my dear boy,” he cooed, and his stomach knotted in repulsion. “I would if I could, but you haven’t earned it yet.”   
“I’ve never refused you,” he hissed between gritted teeth. “I let you make me into a monster. What more could you want from me?”

“Ah, but you  _ have _ refused me.” His face split in a gruesome sneer as he held up a photograph. “Who does this look like to you? I know how wonderful your memory is, Sasuke, you should certainly remember. Do you see the resemblance?”

His blood ran cold. The jig was up. A blonde boy with a sunny smile on a familiar street corner stared back at him as his eyes widened.  _ Why is Naruto back in the city?! Why is he here?! _

“You’ve betrayed me, Sasuke. Surely you must know what the consequences are.”  _ I have to kill him to get out of this. _ “I’m so very disappointed. You’ve been such a good boy the last few years. And your brother, he’s such a talented member of the group. What a shame I’ll have to finish you both-”

The gunshot was loud in his ears, and the man’s eyes went wide as he choked on his own blood. 

“You…” 

It was the last word before he fell dead across his deak. The gun dropped from Sasuke’s fingers. Blood pooled on the wood, and black hair became matted in it. So similar to the images that haunted his dreams, it felt like deja vu. The door unlocked. He felt numb as familiar hands seized him by the arms.

“We have to go,” Juugo’s voice said in his ear, but Sasuke couldn’t move. “Sasuke,” he called, but still he couldn’t move, rooted in place. All he could do was watch the blood spread, dripping down dark wood like wine on chocolate. He could still hear the shot, ears whining with it.  _ Long black hair, matted in blood, just like my mother, a man with a gun, I’m the man with the gun, I’m no different, we’re all the same-  _

__

He heard the voices of his comrades, his friends, and then Juugo was hauling him out of the room, and they ran to a car Sasuke had never seen before and he sat in the backseat with his knees tucked under his chin, staring straight at the back of Juugo’s seat but not really seeing anything. All he could see was Orochimaru’s dead body between flashes of his parents’ corpses.  _ I’ll never know who killed them or why. He never told me. He probably didn’t even know himself. He never intended for me to find out. All that time…  _ Every breath felt like needles stabbing at his lungs. The harder he tried to take a decent breath, the further the needles plunged. He felt Karin’s hand on his arm, hesitant, and he twitched but didn’t pull away. Her arm slid around his shoulders.

“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. We’re free now, Sasuke. We’re free.”

_

  
  


He had spared Naruto several unsavory details, and the trials and tribulations Taka went through those next few months. Instead, he focused on the tale of Itachi’s double-life and death, his own stint in jail, all the way up to what happened the night before with Kakashi. The silence that followed was thick. They sat in it. Naruto stared at his feet under the table and Sasuke stared at his hands. Sasuke almost hoped it’d stay that way so he wouldn’t have to speak anymore. It felt like one more question was all it would take to bring him to tears.

“Do you know why I came back?” Naruto spoke up at last. His voice was raw, as if he had already screamed his heart out. Sasuke shook his head. “I was coming to kill Orochimaru myself.”

Sasuke’s heart nearly stopped.

“What?” he croaked. Naruto’s hands balled into fists. 

“Jiraiya knew him. He… didn’t tell me exactly the kinds of things Orochimaru forced his underlings to do, but… he made it clear it wasn’t pretty. That you were in danger every moment you were with him and that he wouldn’t be surprised if one day he turned around and killed you. So those two years I was gone… I spent the whole time learning how to fight. I was ready. But by the time I got a lead on where he was, he was already dead, and you were gone. All of the people who worked for him were, actually.”

Sasuke swallowed. Hard.

“So that’s why, when I found you…” He trailed off, jaw tightening. Naruto nodded.

“I forgave you right away,” he finished. “I knew you did what you did for a reason. I knew that you were cornered, and if the choice was between me and your brother, you’d choose him. I probably would too if I were in your shoes. How could I hold that against you?”

Sasuke forced himself to take a breath.

“I almost killed you, Naruto. You should have resented me…” He smiled, and it was so beautiful and so sad, it made Sasuke’s control slip. A tear slid down his cheek.

“I never resented you,” Naruto said, and his eyes shone with tears of his own. “Not even for a moment. All I wanted to do was come back and fix everything. So you’d never have to face those kinds of choices again. So you could be safe and loved.” Sasuke’s vision blurred. He trained his gaze on his hands again. “I’m sorry you still had to go through so much after. I wish I could have…” He swallowed, shaking his head in a silent plea to abandon that train of thought. “I promise you, Sasuke, I never resented you. I never blamed you. I was…  _ heartbroken _ . For you, for us. I… I loved you even then.”

A sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob escaped him.

“I always loved you,” Sasuke admitted. “Leaving you like that… it hurt so much, Naruto…” His thumb wiped tears from Sasuke’s eye as they fell.

“I know, Sasuke. I could feel it. Your pain… it hurt me to know how much you were hurting.” Sasuke choked on another sob.

“I’m so ashamed of what I did to you.”

“I know. Don’t be. He forced your hand.”

“I just wanna protect you.”

“And you did. I’m alive, aren’t I?” Sasuke shook his head.

“It’s all my fault. If you didn’t know me-”   
“I wouldn’t know what love is,” he finished, blowing Sasuke’s snowballing guilt to bits. “I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be cared for. I wouldn’t know what  _ friendship _ was, let alone romance.” He tilted Sasuke’s head to face him, tears streaking down Naruto’s cheeks, too. “You’re my everything. You always have been. Let’s get through this together this time, okay? And _please_ don’t cry. You’re making me cry.” Sasuke laughed wetly.

“I can’t help it, stupid. You make me…  _ feel _ things.”

Naruto gave his own watery laugh back. Sasuke leaned over to press a shaky kiss to the corner of his lips. Naruto turned his head just enough to nudge their mouths together. They fitted together in an open-mouthed kiss. All Sasuke could taste was the saltiness of their tears. He could feel it. The burden lifting as it settled on both their shoulders.  _ There are some things I can never tell him. But at least this much… we can bear together…  _

  
They pulled away. Naruto’s smile sparkled with beams of light.  _ Please don’t let this be a mistake,  _ Sasuke begged, tracing his thumb along Naruto’s lower lip, then swooping up his cheek to clear away the tear-tracks.  _ Please, don’t let him hurt for this…  _


End file.
